Images of Our Precious One

We have received many pictures from our family members and just had to share some of them with you. What overwhelms me most about these pictures is not just how beautiful our precious Caden was, but also, the love that you see in his family's faces as they gaze at him. Our hospital room was so filled with love on June 30th, and the support we felt from our families both before and since Caden went to heaven has been, in a word, remarkable. We are forever grateful for the way in which our kin embraced our son, figuratively and literally. In most of these pictures, Caden is wrapped in a blanket that was made by his Great Granny Loretta.

Here you go:

Mommy and Son...I want to remember forever how soft his little head felt under my fingers...

Daddy's turn. There's just something about seeing an infant nestled in his father's big, strong arms...

Grandma and Grandpa Carlson...

And Grandpa and Grandma McKinney....

Here is Caden with Aunt Sarah, one after which he was named....

And, Uncle Jordan....

And, I can't sign off without one more picture of his AMAZING head of hair...

Sleep tight, precious angel.

Back to Reality...

Good Afternoon!

We are all sitting together here in our family room, eating some snacks and staring at the TV. This has become a bit routine for us this week, and I have to say, I don't mind it. We just got home from taking the kids for a swim at the local Community Center (well, the three of them swam and I sat on the side of the pool). It was so fun to watch Connor and Kylee try new things in the water, and it is always a joy to watch Brandon interact with the kids.

Aaron and Rachel (Brandon's parents) left on Thursday afternoon, and it was a bit strange having the house to ourselves again. I was nervous about how that might go...would not having extra people in the house magnify our sadness? While it was tough to see them go, we have enjoyed our time together at home....and although we have often commented on how much we miss our baby, this time of healing together as a family has been just what we needed.

Physically, this has been a tough week for me. As many of you know, a woman's body doesn't know whether or not the baby she's carried for 8 months survives or not, so I have dealt with all the typical discomforts of the postpartum period. Yesterday and today have been much better, which is a welcome relief. I have often struggled with the fact that my body is almost literally crying out for my baby, much in the same way my soul longs for little Caden.

And speaking of matters of the soul, I have also found myself grappling with the "what-ifs" surrounding Caden's birth. Not getting any time with him alive has been the thing we're both struggling with most. And then, as is so much my nature, I ask "What did I do wrong?" "If we had chosen a different path, would he have survived?" "Did we induce too soon?" Medically speaking, I know what the answer is, but as the mother of this precious baby, my heart wanders through these very dark tunnels. It is almost too easy to question decisions when one knows exactly how the story will end (you know, hindsight is 20/20)...which, of course, we didn't know until a week ago. My husband offers me great reassurance by pointing out that we made the best decision we could make with the information we had at the time. And he is right. We did the best we could. I must confess that it makes me angry to feel even the slightest guilt about our decision. The last three months have been the most painful in our family's history...if you go through that, shouldn't you get to walk away guilt-free? I think that not having answers about why Caden was stillborn is going to be more difficult than maybe I had imagined it would be.

And in the name of healing, Brandon will go back to work tomorrow. He is dreading it. He wonders how people will handle him...and is a bit fearful, I think, of people asking dumb questions or saying dumb things....but he knows, in his heart, that everyone means well. I am hopeful that it will be easier than he's thinking it will be, as anticipation is often worse than just diving in. If you think of it, please say a prayer for him. I think this is one situation where he might be grateful for the depersonalized environment of corporate America. :)

Connor and Kylee have handled all of this like true champions. They have been happy and full of life, which is just what their Mommy and Daddy need right now. They haven't said much about Caden...I am guessing that perhaps the questions will come later. We are so grateful that they appear to be coping with everything so well. Thank you all so much for your prayers for them. They have LOVED celebrating the fourth of July...Connor was totally into lighting the fireworks and watching them illuminate the sky, and Kylee, while a bit afraid of the noise, had a pretty good fourth, too.

One foot in front of the other, one step at a time...

Hour By Hour...

Good Morning. Brandon has done such a great job keeping things updated, but I have missed you all and wanted to take a turn. :)

I am feeling up to writing a bit...almost feeling as if I need to purge....you all have been such a receptive community and for that, we thank you. You have loved our precious baby Caden right along with us....

Although I knew that these days would be difficult, I had no idea just how painful they would be. My heart literally aches, and the tears burn in my eyes almost constantly. My body mourns the loss of our son, also....cramps, pains, tenderness....they all serve as a reminder that Caden is no longer inside of me. To ask a mother to tell her infant goodbye...it seems unreal to me, as I know it does to many of you. It just isn't nature's order, and although I know that God is sovereign, I can't help but question this call.

I hadn't realized how desperately I wanted Caden to be born alive. I am grappling with why God didn't allow us at least a few moments before He brought Caden to be with Him. I already know that I will probably NEVER get a reason why. I won't lie and tell you that I am okay with that. I simply am not. The look on Brandon's face when the Doctor told us Caden wasn't alive is one that won't soon be erased from my memory.

I wish I could convey to you how BEAUTIFUL Caden looked. His hair was my favorite part of him...a gorgeous color and absolutely silky soft. His little head was perfectly shaped, and his skin, although cold, was truly baby soft. His eyes were closed so peacefully, yet opening them revealed the deepest blue color you could ever imagine. His fingers were long, slender, and delicate. His little feet were also perfectly formed, with one little toe on his left foot that stuck up just a bit.

It was simply amazing to watch our family members embrace our little man. They held him so tenderly, with love reflected in their faces. It didn't matter that Caden's spirit wasn't inside his body...they showered him with love and acceptance and marveled right along with us at how perfect he was. Connor and Kylee each took turns holding him...how painful to realize that he will never get to run and play with them, but I know that he is watching over them from above. Connor really wanted to dress Caden, and carefully laid out and folded the onesie we had brought...he and Brandon worked together to get the littlest Carlson all dressed up. Now the onesie is in Caden's memory box, a true treasure.

Brandon and I were allowed some very precious time alone with Caden as well. We curled up in bed together, just the three of us, and we stroked his soft head and inhaled his faint baby scent before laying him in the basket for the last time. We knew, in those moments, that our struggles over the last three months had been worth it.

We went to the funeral home yesterday and that was a total nightmare. I know it's their job, but getting a sales pitch about purchasing family burial space just wasn't what we needed. We signed all the paperwork, and paid a bill that I had never fathomed paying...for the cremation of our precious son. Looking at his death certificate and seeing that the "never married" and "never employed" boxes were checked brought a great deal of pain, but I have to remind myself that such earthly pleasures are far beneath the splendor of heaven that Caden is experiencing right now. We picked out an urn that is a little teddy bear, and Alexandra's House will cover the cost of that for us as they assist us in memorializing our son. They offered us one last chance to see Caden, but we opted not to. A difficult decision, but we decided that the image of him resting peacefully in the white basket (the picture posted on our earlier blog), is the one we want to carry with us.

Looking at pictures of him is still so painful. I know that eventually, these momentos will bring me a great deal of comfort, but for now, they are symbols of something that has been lost. I talked with another Mom who has experienced infant loss, and she said "you just have to get through this, hour by hour." She's right. There's no way out but through it.

The day I left the hospital, it was bright and sunny out. As she wheeled me outside, the nurse said, "At least it could be rainy. That would be more appropriate, wouldn't it?" I don't know that I actually responded to her, but inside I thought, "No. My baby boy knows I need the sunshine on my face today."

Today is a rainy day. I guess God is crying with us.

Miracle of the Moment

We came across a song a few weeks ago that really spoke to us, and we wanted to share it with you. Steven Curtis Chapman simply has a way with words, and "Miracle of the Moment" is no exception:

Our Angel Baby

We're back at home now, and settling in. We are blessed to have grandparents here to ride herd on the kiddos so we can sleep and/or rest.

For those of you who want a few more details about what happened, here you go. Lindsey woke up around 4:30am wanting to be re-situated on the bed. The nurse checked her and found that she was a "6", so we figured it was go-time. We made a few phone calls to people who were to be present for Caden's grand entrance while the nurse shifted Lindsey. Just a few minutes later, she checked Lindsey again and saw that she was a "10" and ready to go. Obviously, this was incredibly fast, and we were all caught off guard. The nurses hurriedly began to prep her for delivery, and the doctor -- who lived about an hour away, so she had stayed on the floor overnight -- was called in. The wonderful perinatologist who would evaluate Caden was paged.

When the doctor came in, she took one look at Lindsey and knew she was ready to go RIGHT NOW. Lindsey asked if we could wait to let people get to the hospital, but the doctor said waiting wasn't an option. About a minute later, almost before we were even ready and without Lindsey even pushing, Caden joined us. He never drew a single breath.

He weighed 3 pounds 2 ounces, and was 15 inches long. He looked totally peaceful, with a face that resembles his brother and sister's and a fair amount of reddish-blonde hair. Despite all that we had been told about how he might appear due to the lack of fluid present, he was beautiful. Our precious little angel. Above is a picture of Caden in a basket that the hospital allowed us to use while we were there.

Thank you all for your loving prayers and support. We would not have been able to get through this without all of you! To see all those comments and visits on the blog is to know that we are loved by many, many people, and that is priceless to us. We will take the next few days to gather ourselves together and attempt to re-establish a new 'normal' pattern of life. In lieu of flowers or memorials, we are considering a few options for donations, and will post more information when we make a decision.

Thank you all for bearing this burden with us, and for lifting us up daily. We can feel that when our strength is gone, yours holds us up, and your prayers sustain us.

It Was Over Before It Began

Hard labor began around 1:30. We walked a few laps around the unit, then sat for a bit, then called for the epidural. After a couple hours of rest, Lindsey woke up at around 4:30. The nurse checked her and realized it was TIME. We made some quick phone calls to have people head to the hospital as they prepped her, but only moments later, Caden Adair was brought into this world. His spirit had already left his body, taking everyone by surprise. I guess he couldn't wait to go meet Jesus.

Thank you for your prayers.

Please continue, but for a different reason now...

Nighty-Nite!

Everything has been done that can be done at this point, so we're going to try to get some rest. If we wake up in the middle of the night for the festivities, I'll post again (if time allows); if not, I'll catch you all up in the morning. Thank you again for your thoughts, prayers, and well wishes! We appreciate how so many of you are walking this road with us!

Good night!

Evening Update

Well, we're still here, and still percolating. We've had to readjust our thinking (obviously), and are starting to settle in for the night. The doctor is supposed to come back at around 9:30 and administer the next phase of the chemical concoction, which is supposed to kick things into gear in a relative hurry. So, we may be having a looooong night tonight! Of course, no one really knows how long things will take, so we may still be here on Thursday...

Seriously, though, thank you all for your prayers and support! We cannot express enough to you how reassuring it is to know that you are all pulling for us! We will continue to post updates for as long as we are awake (and not otherwise occupied), so if any of you want to come along on our journey real-time, you're welcome to do that!

Thank you again - we'll keep you posted!

Still Here...

Not a whole lot has changed since the last post - we're just waiting for the chemical concoction to take effect and start labor. It's normal, though, for it to take a few hours to start working. Lindsey was allowed to eat lunch, which was a mixed blessing - it's good that she got to eat and drink, but it also means that labor isn't imminent quite yet.

*sigh*

She's out walking around the floor now, to try to get things rolling along. Same prayer request of the moment as last time. :)

And We're Off!!!

We're here in the hospital now, and Lindsey is all hooked up. We're listening to little Caden's heartbeat on the monitor and watching When Harry Met Sally. The doctors think it will be at least 12 hours before Lindsey goes into hard labor, but she labored for a total of 12 hours with each of our other two, so we're hoping for much sooner.

Now comes the final stage of waiting...

Prayer request of the moment:
We really don't want this to drag out any longer than it has to, so please pray that labor comes sooner rather than later.

Thursday Evening

Hello Again!

Today has had its ups and downs...it has been brightened by your wonderful comments on my previous post. It is especially fun to hear from some of you Jewell folks (hello, Link and Nan!) that I haven't had contact with in quite awhile. Thank you, also, to our readers, Kylee and Michelle...however you've found us, we're glad you did. And to all of you who read but do not leave comments, we appreciate you stopping by.

I have been dealing with some anger today...anticipating Sunday, wondering how things are going to play out....and resolving that it is just plain frustrating that we have absolutely NO CONTROL over what is going to happen.

In the midst of this, my husband has shared some Scripture with me. I am glad that he is spending time in the Word, because honestly, I haven't been able to pick my Bible up for a very long time. Not because I don't think that I should....but because I just can't. People have sent so many verses to me, each of which has touched me, so I am appreciative of those opportunities to examine Scripture. Brandon has been especially struck by the story of Abraham sacrificing his son, Issac...an eery parallel to what he is experiencing as Caden's father. We say that we are hopeful we find our own lamb soon. :) Brandon has also shared Christ's words to his Disciples before His arrest in John Chapter 14. I am so grateful for his perspective and spiritual leadership right now.

Reading Scripture, while comforting, also reminds me that God does ask His followers to do things that are HARD. He sacrificed His only Son....and it appears He is asking us to make a similar sacrifice. Ugh. I spoke to Jennifer, who lost her baby girl about a year and a half ago, and she described preparing to deliver her daughter and feeling very humbled. That is a great way to describe how I am feeling. Completely humbled. Because I know there is absolutely NO WAY I am going to survive this without God. I am powerless do to anything but the best I can do. Which, I suppose, is how I should view all of my life as a child of His...but this situation really brings it home, and I have to admit, humility is hard.

Anyway, it has come to me that perhaps I need to ask you all, our faithful prayer warriors, to lift us up in specific ways over the next few days. Please allow me to share:

-Please pray for my labor. I am scared to death that it will drag on and on...serving to make me even more crazy than I already am. Please pray that things move quickly and smoothly with that.

-Please pray for Brandon as he supports me at the hospital and grieves our son as only a father can.

-Please pray for Connor and Kylee. Kylee has had a couple of rough days...acting out, throwing things, screaming, tearing things apart...not typical of her, and I know it is a response to the tension around here. She came up to me last night and said "Mommy, I am going to miss our baby". I pulled her up on my lap and we had a good cry together. Connor appears to be doing well, but I know this weekend will be hard for him, too. Please pray for them as they grieve in their own special way for their little brother.

-Please pray for Caden...that if it be God's will, He might be healed....and if not, that we will get to enjoy at least a few moments with him alive. We are asking for a miracle....either that our son will live, or that somehow, we will have peace in the moment that we tell him goodbye.

-Please pray for our family as they support us through this weekend. They are experiencing a loss, too, and yet, are being available to us. We are so thankful.

And lastly, it is our prayer that somehow, this is reaching someone that needs to hear our story right now...maybe because they are experiencing loss of a similar kind...or maybe for another reason we can't even imagine.

Thank you all. Rest well tonight.

Thank You

Good Afternoon!

It has been an eventful day here at the Carlson home. Patti from Alexandra's House came by to drop off some scrapbooking materials and an outfit for our little man, and Jan, our wonderful friend and my co-worker, brought Kylee and I some lunch to eat. Both of these women took time to pray with me, which is just what I needed today.

We have been surrounded by prayer this week, from those who are near, and those who are many miles away. Our prayer team from church came and prayed with us on Monday evening, and then on Tuesday, our new pastor from North Star, the Children's Ministry coordinator, and the interim Pastor that has filled in as the leader for our congregation in between time came and prayed with me. What a blessing these prayers have been.

This morning, I was overwhelmed by the need to say "thank you" to so many of you. I found myself getting choked up when I stopped to reflect on just how much you all have done for us. So, I will start here, and probably summarize more than I should, but hopefully, you know how heartfelt our gratitude is.

First of all, I want to thank our friends. To Becca, who has called almost daily just to check in on me....to Trena, Jeana, Kirsten, Debbie, and Jaymie, who have helped me to laugh and have brightened my days with beautiful flowers, cards, and regular e-mails.....to Heather, who has freely shared her own experience with loss and encouraged me to think and feel in the way that is right for ME....to Dana and Jennifer, who have prayed for Caden each and every day, as have many of you....to Robyn, whose words, in person, on the phone, in a card, and on her blog, continue to impact me in a way that few do....thank you.

To Paula, for sending cards on a weekly basis and for reminding me that is it okay to question and wonder why....thank you.

To my colleagues at William Jewell College, who brought meals, picked up slack with my courses, and have asked no more of me than I was willing to give at any moment and have been completely understanding and supportive....to Wanda, who has so willingly allowed me to draw strength and encouragement from her own painful experience with infant loss....thank you. You ladies exemplify what the heart and soul of nursing is all about and I am honored to be on your team.

To Jan...how can parents express what the precious glimpses of our son mean to us and will mean to us in the months to come? For meeting us on evenings and weekends, for enduring painful hand cramps as you hold the transducer perfectly still so we could watch Caden play, for your spirit of grace and unconditional love, both for us and for our son...for bringing us a peace that only you can provide, and for treasuring Caden's life right along with us....thank you.

To our church....for putting us on the prayer list three months ago and leaving us there each week...for all the hugs and concern....for the prayer shawl (thank you, Kay)....for being Christ's arms around us as we've walked through this valley....and particularly to our small group, the (not so) Young Adults....for the endless offers of help, meals, cards, and for the laughter on Tuesday evenings....thank you.

To Caden's grandparents....our kids are so blessed to have you in their lives. Thank you for loving and praying for each of them since before they were conceived. Your constant encouragement and support is something we simply couldn't do without. Thank you for instilling within us the importance of following God's will in our lives, even when it isn't easy. Knowing that Connor and Kylee will be taken care of this weekend is something that we are beyond grateful for...and we know that, for however brief a time, Caden will get to experience your love and affection this weekend, too. Thanks for putting your own emotions aside to be strong for us. We know it hasn't been easy. We are praying for you throughout this time, too. :) Thank you, thank you.

To Caden's Aunts and Uncles....this little man is lucky to have you in his life....thank you for checking in so often, whether from Overland Park or from North Carolina...and for supporting us so faithfully through prayer.

To Jennifer A., Jennifer S., Hope, Laurie in CA, Renee, Patti, Susan, and Shelly....thank you so much for checking in on us....we are so sorry that many of you have had to walk through this valley before or are walking through it now with us....and we are grateful for those of you who just plain have a heart for those of us who have to surrender our little ones after such a short time with them. Some of you we will never meet face to face, but your words serve as such an encouragement to us. Thank you for sharing your own pain and loss and for offering us a glimpse of the healing and recovery that can follow such utter devastation....we are so grateful.

To our precious little ones, Connor and Kylee....for being the very spirit of Christ in our midst....for being the reason that I get up every morning and find the strength to move forward....for exemplifying childlike faith....for knowing that we're not going to get to bring our baby home and for still kissing my belly and drawing him pictures, anyway....for sitting on my lap and sharing my tears when Mommy just needs to cry....for having so much love to give and for giving it so freely....for reminding us that everything God creates is perfect....thank you.

To my husband....thank you for holding me, crying with me, and for being the only other soul in this world that can connect with our son as a parent. Your presence is a great comfort to me. Your steadfastness is the foundation of our family, and your strong desire to follow God's will in ALL circumstances is simply amazing. I would not want to go through this with anyone but you by my side...and for your hurt, I am sorry. Thank you for all the ways in which you have taken care of me physically...helping around the house, chasing the kids when my energy runs out, cooking meals, never-ending Wal-Mart runs....and most importantly, thank you for always being willing to take care of me emotionally, too. I am so blessed to be married to my best friend and the greatest father in the universe, be that for our children here on this earth or for the one that may be looking down on us from heaven....thank you for being you and for loving me.

And lastly, to our precious Caden....thank you, well, for being you. Thank you for kicking and for defying the odds to live long enough to make it this far....I don't know why God is calling you to come home with Him so soon, but I trust that it is because you possess something very special....you have been called to fulfill His purpose in an incredible way. If it is His will to call you home, thanks for watching over all of us and for being our very special little angel. We are forever grateful for your presence, however brief, in our lives...and for forever, in our hearts.

And to you, our reader...thank you for caring enough to check in. We are truly overwhelmed by your support and love.

Tuesday Morning

Today is a big day in my life. Let me preface this post by saying that I am a CLEAN FREAK. Before children, I couldn't leave the house without every pillow being in place and everything being JUST SO (which is also why I am NEVER on time anywhere). I once spent my spring break during my Master's program scrubbing the ENTIRE house down (walls included...and, just for the record, this is when we lived in a much smaller home). After children, I have had to mellow out a bit. I have progressed from every pillow being in place to just being happy if there isn't pee splattered all over my bathroom before we leave the house. But I still fight my OCD about having floors and counter tops pristine. For quite some time, I told myself that I was just being a good wife and mother, but now I realize that neither Brandon nor the children care in the least about man-eating dust bunnies accumulating in our corners, so I have had to accept and acknowledge that I alone derive a great deal of inner peace from how our home is maintained.

As with many psychological issues, I can trace this tendency back to my childhood, where EVERY Sunday, we cleaned the house from top to bottom (most Sundays, we did this instead of going to church, which shows you the priority placed on cleanliness in our home...oops). My mother was the "white glove test" guru. Every nook, every cranny, was scrubbed. I grew up with this, so it is a priority I have carried with me into my own home (although we are very careful about putting Jesus first in our lives and I do the cleaning throughout the week so we can go to church together on Sunday). I LOVE the smell of a clean house (I do have a strange affinity for the smell of bleach)...I adore glistening faucets and clean mirrors. Vacuumed carpets are one of my favorite things...

Now, please know that I do not carry this tendency into other people's homes. I don't care about other people's man-eating dust bunnies, and pee splattered everywhere in someone else's bathroom doesn't phase me in the least. So please don't think I am critiquing your home in any way. I am relatively blind to any filth but my own.

So, knowing this about me, you will understand that a big item on the to-do list for this week was to get the house cleaned. It is a big deal for me...I like things done a certain way and have those particular spots that make me especially happy when I know they are clean. I am a control freak about it. But today, Molly Maids will be coming to clean my house. It is a big moment.

This is big on many levels...I haven't ever wanted to hire someone to clean because 1.) I am a complete cheapskate, 2.) I would be irate if I paid all that money and then found an area that wasn't clean (or, in other words, I am convinced that I can clean better than they can), 3.) What we will pay for a cleaning would allow us about 5 meals out and I loathe cooking, and 4.) I think that being home means it is MY job to clean...and therefore asking someone else to do it is shirking my responsibilities.

This experience has allowed me to get over that. Almost everything is uncomfortable now, and for the first time, I am LETTING IT GO and realizing that I shouldn't be scrubbing the bathroom floor on my hands and knees right now. I am doing ENOUGH. I am ENTITLED to some help.

This is revolutionary for me, folks. An experience like this lends itself to many new ventures. Just being able to acknowledge that it's OKAY to have some help is a big step. Having to ask for help does not come naturally to me...but I am learning that we MUST lean on others...thankfully we don't have to pay friends and family for their help like we do Molly Maids. :) This is how Christ intended it to be. We cannot wait to give back to all of you, but understand right now, our job is to RECEIVE. And thank you for giving us so much.

Thank you, precious Caden, for helping us to learn so many new things about ourselves. We love you so much.

Check These Out

I know I just posted this morning, but felt compelled to write again because I have some things to share with all of you.

Some of the neatest encouragement we have received has come via e-mail. I want to encourage you to check out the following links...

The first is a video that is worth the 4 minutes of your time it will take to watch it. Our friend Kirsten forwarded it to us several days ago, and I just took the time to look at it today. Funny how the Holy Spirit works in that way. I especially encourage those of you who have endured the loss of a child to check this out. It is exactly what I needed to hear:

http://www.onenewsnow.com/Teaching/Default.aspx?id=77580

The second is a blog post written by our dear friend, Robyn. She has recently started a blog, and while we enjoy reading it on a daily basis, we were especially humbled and honored by her post today entitled "Prayers":

http://robynattheshallowend.blogspot.com/2008/06/prayers.html

Our friends are Christ with skin on for us. Thanks to all of you for being who you are.

Monday Morning

Good Morning!

I am going to try to post each day this week...and it is probably coming from a selfish place. As Caden's birthday approaches, I am finding that I am filled with several strong emotions...sadness, heartache, anticipation, hope, fear...and maybe taking the time to reflect on them on a daily basis will help me process a bit. We shall see.

This weekend was a good one. We played with the kids, got some work done around the house...tackling one of the last big projects I wanted to do before going to the hospital. While doing that brings a type A personality like me peace, it also brings with it an aire of finality. We are now down to our "one week to go" list. It is so painful for me to go through the motions of delivering a baby without being able to anticipate bringing him home with us.

Last night, we hosted a barbeque for a few families who are either currently pregnant with a terminally ill baby or have lost a baby shortly after delivery. These are folks that we have become acquainted with through Alexandra's House. We have communicated via e-mail, but it was wonderful to meet them in person. While our hearts ache for them, there was such comfort in getting to see that we are not alone in this experience, and that people have survived it. It was a great way to spend a Sunday evening.

We can feel the prayers of others and want to thank you for them. We have both had such a hard time over the last several days....I think there was an element of hope that maybe, just maybe, God would let us skip this part....and it is hard to know that despite all the pain and heartache of the last few months, we are now charged with mustering up the strength for this experience, too. It is just SO HARD.

In addition to much prayerful support, we have received so many wonderful gifts from friends and family...and one of them came to us last week in the form of a beautiful quilt created by one of our friends from church. It is made of cheerful colored cloth with Caden's name embroidered on it. Kylee looked at it last night and said "That's Caden's birthday present! He will use it to go night-night." The childlike perspective is so innocent, so faithful. To a child, eternal rest is not much different from a good night's sleep...resting in our Creator's arms. I am so thankful that we have Connor and Kylee in our lives.

Brandon just let me know today that the hospital we will be going to does have wireless internet access, so we will be posting regular updates to our blog throughout our day on Sunday. Please check often...we will not be shy about posting specific prayer requests. :)

Thank you all, so much, for your love and support. We are forever grateful.

"The Lord is my light and salvation--whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1

Under Two Weeks and Counting...

Good Afternoon!

I felt compelled to write a little bit today to give you all a quick update on what's been happening here at the Carlson house. We had a crazy, but wonderful, weekend filled with the celebration of Connor's 6th birthday. I will post pictures soon. :)

Connor continues to enjoy summer school and opted to go back yesterday despite having fulfilled our one week mandatory attendance. He did stay home today, saying that he "doesn't want to go EVERY day". I must say, it has been nice having him around today...and I think part of his reason for staying home is sheer exhaustion after such a long, exciting weekend.

I had my LAST Doctor's appointment a week ago. I am so relieved that I don't have to go back! We talked through some details of our hospital stay and labor...they will start my induction at 0900 on Sunday morning, the 29th, and we are hopeful that Caden will join us either Sunday evening or Monday morning, June 30th. At this point, I will plan to deliver Caden vaginally (leave it to a nurse to use that word on a public blog!), even though he is, at this time, breech. The Doctor assures me that given that he will be small, combined with my "favorable pelvis," we will have a positive outcome and not end up having to have a C-Section. I pray that she is right. The disadvantage of a vaginal delivery is that it tends to be more difficult on the baby, and therefore, decreases the odds that Caden will survive delivery. We are hoping for even a few moments with him while he is alive, so please be praying that he makes it through the birth without any trauma. It is difficult to opt not to have a C-Section...after all, as parents, our first responsibility is always to our children's health and safety, but we acknowledge that recovering from abdominal surgery in addition to the grief process is probably not the best thing for us to be doing...so please pray for a healthy and safe delivery for our little man.

As the day approaches, our emotions run wild. The relief from being done with this roller coaster will be great, but I think there is also a huge element of fear of the unknown that weighs heavy on our hearts. How long will labor take? What will Caden look like? Will he be born alive, or will his spirit be in heaven before we get to meet him? How will Connor and Kylee handle things? Are we SURE God will give us everything we need at this exact moment?!?!?!?!?! Needless to say, we'd appreciate you alerting all the prayer warriors in your life to be praying fervently for us and our families over the next couple weeks, and particularly on the 29th and 30th.

Aaron and Rachel, Brandon's parents, will be coming to Kansas City to help us with the kids while we are in the hospital, and they will stay for a few days after the delivery to help us get back on our feet and entertain the kiddos. My Dad and his wife, Lori, will also be helping with the kids, so we know Connor and Kylee will hardly miss us while we are gone, which we are grateful for. :)

We have decided to limit our hospital visitors to family...feeling that this is the best way to maximize our few precious moments with Caden. Grandparents, Aunts, and Uncles, along with Connor and Kylee, will be on hand to meet Caden and "hold our hands" as we walk through this difficult time. We are so grateful that all of you will be with us in spirit!!

Some have asked about a memorial service, and we have decided not to have one at this point in time. I know some might think that is a mistake, but we feel it is the right decision for us. We may arrange something for later in the summer, but for now, we will look forward to coming home to spend some quiet time with Connor and Kylee as we heal mentally and physically from our loss. Brandon will take a week off after Caden is born...his boss has been very gracious and encouraged him to take as much time as he needs...so we will get to be together as a family for a few days after leaving the hospital, more if we decide we need a bit longer.

Some have asked what they can do to help...we are thinking Brandon will return to work on July 7th, and after that date, the kids and I would love to have some company during the days. I am a bit frightened of how my emotional state will be after his time at home is over...so looking forward to visits from friends would be a huge blessing for me at that time. I won't be much fun to be with, but know that so many of you will love me all the same....:) The kids will also be climbing the walls, I am sure....beware that if you come over, I will look forward to showing you pictures and momentos of our baby boy if you are willing to look at them!

We have made arrangements with our Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer, and are so grateful that we will have those precious images of Caden after he is gone. We also plan to take a special blanket, created by hand by my Grandma Loretta in California, to wrap Caden in while he is with us and then bring home with us as a physical reminder of him. We have been told that the hospital will also give us handprints and footprints from our precious one. They will also send us home with a lock of his hair. And of course, there's our heartbeat bear. Forever precious.

As our delivery date gets closer, we will be keeping in touch...we continue to be so appreciative of your thoughts, prayers, and well wishes. Thanks for checking in and come back soon!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding: in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."

3D Sonogram

Hello!
Sorry to be so slow to post this, but it has been a busy weekend and I am just now finding a minute to sit down and share.

THANK YOU so much for your prayers for us on Thursday evening. As you can see, we were able to get some wonderful glimpses of Caden. Our experience at Prenatal Imaging was wonderful!! The biggest challenge was actually NOT our lack of fluid, but rather, Caden's positioning. He is laying like an Olympic diver...in the pike position!! We've taken a picture of Connor in a similar position so you can get an idea of how our little man is inside of me with his knees pressed right up by his face. Caden is still breech, with his rear down and his head (and feet!) right up in my ribs. Janette, the sonographer that worked with us, had to work really hard to get a shot of his face...but she persisted and we got at least a partial glimpse of our littlest blessing (who has been blessed with a VERY Carlson-esque set of cheeks). They sent us home with pictures, a DVD, and a CD of Caden's heartbeat. What a gift! While all of that was free, we went on ahead and purchased a teddy bear, who carries within him a recording of Caden's heartbeat. You can press on the bear's tummy and hear Caden's little ticker beating away...it is great and the kids love it, too! I will confess that I keep it close to me much of the time. It brings me comfort to listen to his heart. Connor listened for the first time and proclaimed "It sounds like a piece of metal dragging on the ground!" Ah, five year olds.

This week has been a tough one for us emotionally. I am much more physically uncomfortable and am not sleeping well at night. While I try to enjoy every kick and nudge, there is a part of me that gets frustrated with feeling out of sorts. I feel that moms who aren't going to get to bring their babies home should get a free pass from all the pregnancy discomforts...but I know this isn't how it works...nothing is easy.

It has also been a hard week because tomorrow, Connor will start summer kindergarten with the Liberty Public Schools. We haven't committed to sending him for the full summer session (18 days), but are going to try it for at least this week, so he can get used to his new school, have some experience in a kindergarten classroom, and know a little better what to expect this fall. It is very difficult and emotional for me to think of him beginning this new chapter in life...and for us to begin this new chapter as parents. He will spend most of his day with a total stranger...his teacher, Ms. McPherson...who I have been assured is a decent human being....he is doing okay with the idea...and I hope and pray that he loves school and is blessed through his experiences there. Brandon assures me that this is the right thing to do...and he usually knows what he's talking about, so we'll give it a try! ;)

As if that weren't enough, tomorrow is also the 9th anniversary of my Mom's death. They did a prayer service in church today, during which I BAWLED (we are talking the ugly cry here, people!). Sometimes it just feels so unfair that God would ask me to process and cope with ALL of this at one time, when just one of these things would be enough on any given day. He continues to give me the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I know that my strength comes about, in no small part, because of your prayers. So thank you.

This week holds another Doctor's appointment for me...Tuesday morning. I am hoping this will be the last one before we go into the hospital to deliver. I am a bit concerned about trying to deliver a breech baby without a C-Section, so plan to ask some questions about that. I will also get more information about the induction process as a whole, so that will help, too. We are three weeks away from meeting our little boy.

A Reprieve...

Hello!

We spent our Memorial Day weekend in Colorado visiting Brandon's folks. It was a wonderful chance to escape the daily routine around here...and a bit of a distraction from all that has consumed us for the last two months.

The kids had a great time, and we did, too. We took a trip to the Denver Zoo, the kids went to Chuck E. Cheese's with Grandpa and Grandma while Mommy and Daddy enjoyed an evening out, we roasted marshmallows...and just had a nice, relaxing visit. We attended church with Aaron and Rachel on Sunday and were overwhelmed by the people that knew us because they have been praying for us faithfully throughout this ordeal. It was humbling and reassuring.

One of the highlights of the trip for Connor was a fishing excursion with Grandpa and Daddy. He caught three Sunfish, and we just had to share this video of catch #3 with you (see the end of this post). Watch all the way through to the end...it's worth a chuckle.

I have been feeling well and we are now 28 weeks along. Caden is breech, so most of the time, I have a head poking me in the ribs. I am definitely starting to feel some of the discomforts of later pregnancy, but I try to be grateful for every moment...a month from now, we will get to hold this precious baby boy in our arms. The kids are more aware of the baby now, as my belly has grown a bit over the last few weeks...they both got to feel Caden move in my tummy last night and were very excited.

We told Connor about the name that we'd picked out for his brother, and, as usual, he handled it with a grace that defies his age. He said "Even though he will be born dead, he still needs a name!" (excuse the harshness of that, but those of you who are familiar with what an honest and up-front age 5 is understand). We talked about heaven, and how if Caden couldn't be here with us on earth, we wanted him to go straight up to be with Jesus. He agreed.

I had an AMAZING sonogram with Jan before we left town. She got several great shots of Caden's face, and at one point, we even got to see him put his hands in his mouth and suck on his fingers. He also opened and closed his mouth several times while we were watching...almost as if he was saying "Hi, Mom!". Brandon had to work late, so Jan and I got to enjoy the moment together, and bawled our eyes out. It was incredible.

We are supposed to be having a 3D sonogram this week. A local company called Prenatal Imaging offers them free of charge to Alexandra's House families. They have told us that it is the amniotic fluid that gives them the depth that they need for the third dimension, so the sonogram may not work for us, but we are going to try. It has struck me how badly I want this to work, as our time with him Caden be so short, so any glimpses of him alive and well are so precious...please say a prayer that somehow, the images will come across. I am frightened that this will be just another disappointment, but want to see this little guy bad enough to try. If the pictures do work, we will be sure to share them with you. It will be on Thursday at 6:00 pm.

I am in full swing with the summer session up at Jewell, and Brandon is doing well at work, too. Connor and Kylee are outdoors for every moment they can be, and it has been great to have Connor out of school. Summer school starts for him on June 9th, so we are going to enjoy our schedule-less existence for as long as we can. :)

Hope this finds you all doing well and enjoying the sunshine. THANK YOU so much for all your e-mails and comments on our blog. It means so much to us that you take time to check in and offer your encouragement. We pour over the comments and love to hear what you have to say. We are so blessed.

I found this verse and thought it was especially applicable:

"Out of the believer's heart shall flow rivers of living water."

John 7:38

We pray that the waters in your life are flowing freely.

June 30th It Is...

Good Evening.

I had an appointment yesterday with my OB and I was able to set our induction date as we were hoping to.

I will actually be going into the hospital (Shawnee Mission Medical Center) on the morning of June 29th, where they will start the process of preparing my body to deliver our son. Hopefully, after a day of cervical softening, they will be able to start the actual induction Sunday evening. The Dr. seemed optimistic that if everything goes like she thinks it will, our little man will be born at or around noontime on Monday, June 30th.

She has told me that I can have an epidural right away, so I won't have to feel any pain, which is a relief. She was very kind and supportive and said that she will be there to deliver us, which is also a relief. Dealing with the an on-call doc that we don't know would make a difficult situation even more difficult. If everything goes like they are thinking it will, I can come home Monday evening.

I was relieved to be able to set a date. But when I got home from my appointment, I fell apart. What parent wants to choose the date to end their child's life? I hope and pray that God has a different plan for our son. And while I struggle with scheduling the induction, we will be 32 weeks along, and I know that medically, "cooking" him for any longer won't make a significant difference in his ability to survive, so it then becomes a balance of maintaining sanity while doing the best thing for him. While I feel it is right, I once again struggle with the position we have been put in.

It has been a long road, and I think as the date gets closer, many things will become more real...I wouldn't have imagined they could, but I think they will.

What will he look like? Will he cry? Will he be born alive? How long will we have? CAN WE DO THIS? Questions we won't know the answer to until we're there. But I know God is with us, and we know that you all, our faithful prayer warriors, will pray us through it.

We have had several other not-so-fun decisions to make now that we know about when this precious boy will join us...

I called Alexandra's House, and they were able to give us the names of a couple funeral homes that will be able to help us with that aspect of things. It turns out that one in the area will do infant preparation and burial free of charge, which is wonderful. At this point, we are not planning to do a memorial service, as we feel that after delivery, we will be ready to spend time, at home, focusing on healing ourselves and spending time with our two beautiful children, rather than trying to work out details for a service....that may sound gruff, but it is where we are at for today.

We have talked and decided that we want to have the baby cremated, and we plan to spread his ashes over my Mom's grave in Great Bend. I know she wouldn't mind sharing her space....and that she will already be holding her precious grandbaby long before we physically place him with her.

Several of you have asked what name we have chosen for our son. His name will be Caden Adair. Another "C" for the Carlson Crew...Adair is a family name...my Grandpa Haneke and sister Sarah's middle name. Two very strong folks in our family. We figured it was a name worthy of this fighter.

MRI Results

Good Morning!

We received my MRI results, and while perhaps we got our answer as to the cause of the problem, the news is still discouraging.

According to the MRI report, they were unable to visualize any kidney tissue in the baby...known as renal agenesis. This is a fluke occurence that happens shortly after conception...as the baby's urinary system forms, for some reason, the kidneys do not. Obviously, without kidneys, the body cannot make urine like it needs to, and given that amniotic fluid is made up almost entirely of fetal urine, these babies don't have fluid around them.

While we are grateful for an answer, we are also a bit frustrated, because we were told multiple times by our Perinatologist that the baby does, in fact, have kidneys. I called the Perinatologist's office yesterday and spoke with a nurse who told me that, in all likelihood, the MRI is correct. Given that I have hardly any fluid around the baby, visualizing structures like the kidneys on the ultrasound is extremely difficult. She stated that, more than likely, while the Dr. thought she was seeing kidneys, she might have, in fact, been seeing adrenal glands or some other structures that looked similar to kidneys, but were not.

This brings about a variety of emotions for us, as you might imagine. Had we known, from the beginning, that our little man didn't have kidneys, we might have moved down a different path. Yet here we are, six weeks later, just finding out that the information we were first given was incorrect. It is very aggravating...one of many times we have been told one thing when perhaps the truth is something different.

However, we also know that there is a reason that we didn't learn this information until now. God clearly has His reasons for not disclosing this to us until this point in our journey. We are becoming more and more aware, all the time, that He is in charge and our job is simply to follow and try to trust.

The other piece of news we received as a result of this MRI is that while our baby most likely has renal agenesis, this is not a genetically-linked condition. Therefore, if and when Connor and Kylee have their own children, it isn't something they will be at an "increased risk" for. I don't know if it's more comforting or more petrifying to know that this whole condition is just a fluke.

We thank you for your continued prayers and support. I have another Doctor's appointment on Monday and am hoping to set an induction date at that time. I think it will really help us to know what day we're going into the hospital...maybe allowing us to prepare, in more ways than one, to meet our son.

The Week in Review...

Hello and Happy Friday!

Just wanted to give you a quick update here before the weekend...

We went and met with Patti Lewis at Alexandra's House on Wednesday night. She was warm and very supportive of the decision that we have made to continue our pregnancy. She asked lots of questions, provided gentle counsel, and suggested some things that we might want to think about prior to our delivery date....it was a good discussion and not as much of a downer as I had thought it might be....mostly because many of you were praying for us, I am sure. So thank you.

As a part of our visit, we got to see many pictures of the babies and families that have been through Alexandra's House, and it was incredible. Even though these babies weren't "normal" by society's standards, they were each absolutely beautiful. God's hand in creating them was so evident as you looked at their peaceful faces, some living, some having moved beyond this world. In many of the pictures, the babies were cradled in their parents' hands or arms...and in most photos, the parents were smiling, which is incredible to me....further evidence of the grace and strength God will provide us in that moment. Patti also encouraged us to let Connor and Kylee come to the hospital to meet their baby brother...she says that children don't see what the world sees...and that we should allow them the opportunity to be a big brother and big sister, because that is, after all, what they are. We're still pondering this one, but I know that the thought of our three children in the room all together is one that evokes great emotion in me...and if it's a vision that I won't get to have for long, maybe I should snag it while I can...

We do plan on having pictures of our son taken by a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep...they have a website if you want to see some of their work. These photographers volunteer their service for families like ours...www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org...get out your kleenex and have a look at these precious babies.

Jan did a sonogram for us this afternoon, and once again, our little man was kicking, poking, and prodding throughout the whole session. We did a get a good picture of his face, which is so precious to us. Jan scanned us for almost an hour, and it was such a gift (as it always is) to see his heartbeat on the screen. She tells us that she doesn't know what she is doing...but let me tell you what precious moments she provides us with, regardless of her feelings about her competence....knowing that we may not get to know our baby for long outside of the womb makes these moments even more sacred to us...we are so thankful for her time, and for the Women's Center that allows us into their space....

Next week will be a relatively quiet week. We found out that our insurance will not cover the cost of an autopsy after the baby is born, so in an effort to find out if the baby's kidney function is the cause of the lack of fluid, I am going to have a MRI done on Tuesday morning in the hopes that maybe it will provide us an answer about the root of the problem. I am scared that this procedure will only bring more bad news...but at the same time, how much worse can it be, and we feel that gaining as much knowledge as we can is important....I am guessing we will have to wait a few days for results following the scan, but we will certainly let you know what we find out.

I have remained in decent spirits this week. We will celebrate Brandon's 31st birthday this weekend, which we are all really excited about. Mother's Day will be tough this year...both because my own mother isn't here, and because my littlest one isn't healthy....but I am so grateful to celebrate this holiday with Brandon, Connor, and Kylee...God's greatest gifts to me.

Speaking of, Connor and Kylee are doing very well, and I want to post some pictures of them this weekend. Kylee got a new haircut this week that makes her look about a year older. Connor's school took a field trip out to the Shatto Dairy Farm a couple weeks ago, and I have some fun photos of that as well.

And the band plays on....

Happy Mother's Day to all you Mommies out there! :)

It All Began When...

I had mentioned in my last post that I might share a little bit of our son's history with you, especially with those of you who are checking and may not know how this all got started. :) It has been amazing to hear from all of you through comments on the blog and e-mail...it humbles us to know that so many people are praying!

I found out I was pregnant on December 10th. The first trimester of my pregnancy was appropriately miserable...I was tired, a little nauseous, and had many of the typical woes of early pregnancy. We visualized our son's heartbeat on sonogram on January 16th and it was a beautiful moment. I was overwhelmed by God's goodness, granting us three children...I know that so many women have to face multiple miscarriages in the process of creating their families...and here we were, with our third baby's heartbeat dancing on the screen. Incredible.

At 15 weeks, our friend Jan did a sonogram for us. Our baby was floating around in a fluid-filled world, happy as a clam. It was so much fun to watch our child dance and play.

My pregnancies with Connor and Kylee had been basically unremarkable. There was concern at some points that Connor might have been a bit small, which meant extra sonograms and non-stress tests throughout my pregnancy, but in the end, he was born just the right size. Other than that, both of our pregnancies were without incident and resulted in healthy, screaming babies in the delivery room. I reflect on hearing their first cries often, and grieve for this moment with our second son...I have to prepare myself for the fact that most likely, this great moment of the birth experience won't happen this time around.

Brandon and I were thrilled to be expecting. Since we have a son and a daughter, we really didn't care what the gender of this baby was. On March 31st, we went for our 20 week sonogram in anticipation of finding out who this little one was. We brought both the kids with us into the sonogram room. The sonographer put the transducer on my stomach and the first thing out of her mouth was "have you noticed that you're leaking any fluid?" I said "no". She kept going, and then said..."You have no fluid in here. They are probably going to have to do something really drastic." She stopped the scan. I was crying. The kids were just standing there, wondering what was happening. Brandon came over to me and held me. As he reached out to me, I saw the sonographer typing "limited scan due to no fluid" on the sonogram report. I fell apart.

We were whisked into our midwife's office. She explained to us that this was NOT good news. She did a physical exam and determined that my membranes hadn't ruptured. She said we needed to be evaluated by a perinatologist, and the fastest way to get this done was to admit me to the hospital. So off we went. I stayed overnight, and we had our first Level II sonogram the following morning. The good news was that the baby had both kidneys. The bad news is that we had NO measurable pockets of fluid. Not even one. We were told that most families in this situation choose to terminate the pregnancy.

They sent me home on bedrest. We went back a week later. Still no fluid. In the meantime, the bloodtest that I had drawn to detect chromosomal abnormalities came back positive for Trisomy 18 (a form of chromosomal abnormality that is believed to be incompatible with life). We elected to do a Chorionic Villus Sampling procedure to confirm the results of the blood test. Brandon held my hand as they poked the huge needle into my abdomen to get a sampling of our baby's placenta. We would wait 48 hours for the preliminary results. At this point, our medical advisors believed this is definitely what we were dealing with....a Trisomy 18 baby. We prepared ourselves.

The phone call came, and our baby's chromosomes were determined to be normal. Our medical providers were, in a word, stunned. We also found out in this same phone call that this little troublemaker is a boy, which is what Brandon had believed all along. We were ecstatic to find out we were having a son...we thought it would be special for Kylee, our middle child, to be the resident girl of the bunch. We knew Connor would love playing with a little brother. However, our excitement about this news was tempered by the grim reality of our situation. No matter what the cause, if there is no fluid, there can be no lung development. They had no great answers for us about the cause of the oligohydramnios.

We went in for one last Level II sonogram the next week. Still no fluid. Our perinatologist asked us if we wanted to terminate or continue on. She said that she didn't believe that it was worth doing any further sonography, because she has never, in her 22 years of practice, seen fluid reaccumulate at this stage of the pregnancy. In her opinion, our child is doomed.

I think that deep down, we both knew what our choice would be, but we left the office and talked about it. We decided to continue on. The road has been rough.

As you probably know from reading, we are Christians. We believe that our faith, above all else, should drive our decision-making. So it did, and we are continuing on. We are surrounded by an amazing church family and so many wonderful friends who are praying us through this. Our families have been a great support, too. The offers of prayers and help have come from so many...and we especially thank those of you who don't even know us for your prayers.

Don't get me wrong...there are moments when I am so angry at God I can't even speak. I have learned, through other experiences with loss, that we may never understand why this is happening to us....so we pray for strength to just make it through. So far, so good. I do have a little bit of hope that sustains me. I know that God has a perfect plan for this little one, and while I hope that he defies the odds and gets to stay with us, I also know that might not be what God has designed him for. And while I won't like it, I will surrender him to Jesus and know that he will be far more happy and healthy in heaven than we could ever hope to be here on earth.

I had a tough moment in the car yesterday when I realized that I may never get to have a birthday party for this baby boy. The tears started flowing instantly and that awful tightening in my chest began. I know that there will be many points at which things like that jump out and grab me, but in a way, I am glad to know that my grieving process has already begun...it is a necessary evil that we will face in the months to come, and with your prayers and support, I know that we will get through it.

"My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid." John 14: 27

A Spoonful of Sugar...

Helps the medicine go down.

It certainly did today. Thank you so much for all of your prayers. Our appointment with the neonatologist went very well. Dr. Hall is a very kind, calm, trustworthy man. While the outlook hasn't changed, I feel as though he is very supportive of the choices we have made...and will take an honest and thorough look at our baby at delivery and then help guide us in the direction that we need to go. He emphasized several times throughout our meeting that although our son's life will be shorter than we'd ever want it to be, that doesn't mean that it isn't meaningful. He said that he and his staff will do everything they can to help make this as meaningful an experience as it can be for us...which we are truly grateful for.

He reassured us that our baby will look relatively normal...he said that babies that are in utero without fluid often appear to have been "shrink wrapped"...and while our little dude will probably stay curled up in the fetal position, as he has been in the womb, his face and limbs will not be scary to look at. His facial features will probably be a bit flattened, but this we can handle. This is a huge relief as some folks have told us that our baby will look very malformed.

He anticipates that, if things are as they appear to be on the sonograms, our son will live for no longer than a few hours. He did say that he will most likely be born alive. He also said that our baby will not experience any kind of pain while he is alive, and will just gradually stop breathing and go to heaven peacefully. Dr. Hall said that they will evaluate him when he is born, and if they determine that he, in fact, has no lung tissue, they will wrap him in a warm blanket and let us hold him and try to make the most of the short time he'll be with us on this earth. If they determine that there's enough lung tissue to make a "go" of it, he'll most likely be transported to Children's Mercy immediately. We haven't given up hope that maybe, God will grant us this miracle...but if not, we will make the most of the time we are given.

We are looking at late June for our delivery. This will put us around 32 weeks...long enough to be well past the point of viability, but early enough that hopefully some of our sanity will be left. Keep praying.

I hope this Doctor trains many medical students. His bedside manner (or chair-side manner in our case) is legendary. What a gift.

Tomorrow I may try to write and share a bit more of our story with you...I know that several of you are reading this and may not know how this all got started...and we want to invite you in to stay for awhile if you'd like. :)

Until then...

The Journey Continues...

Hello!

A trusted friend and colleague of mine suggested that I journal throughout this experience as a way to deal with the roller coaster of emotions that I feel on a daily basis....while I am too lazy to maintain a formal journal, I do agree with her that writing might be a good way for me to process things....so I will share how we are doing here, with so many of you who have been praying for us and for our son...

I asked Brandon in the car last night..."If someone else were where we were one month ago, what would your advice to them be?" He said "Ask LOTS of questions. Don't feel too afraid to ask ANYTHING. Doctors don't know everything and this is YOUR child." I agree. I said that I would also add to that "Be prepared to be looked at like you are COMPLETELY insane by every medical professional that you encounter."

I think that has been the most difficult part of this process for me. I am a member of the medical profession, and it is the members of my own profession that look at me as through I've sprouted an extra head when we say that we're choosing to continue on with this pregnancy. They tell me that they are "100% sure" that our son will not be able to survive outside my womb....as if that somehow means that his life is less precious than that of someone who is currently living on this earth....and as if we can be 100% certain about anything that deals with the human body. Yet at the same time, I know the medical truths...a baby who has no fluid around him is not going to have the "lung power" that he needs to breathe. It is a very difficult reconciliation to make....putting ourselves through these long months of waiting....only to tell our son good-bye....and yet, there is a part of both of us, praying for a miracle for this precious baby boy.

Many parents in our same position say that the time with their children, be it 2 minutes or 20 hours, is the most precious of their lives. We can't get ourselves there yet. The thought of laboring for hours only to leave the hospital with empty arms is, at this time, too much for me to bear. I spend a great deal of time thinking about the day that our son is born and how it will feel to look at him...and while I know God will give us everything we need in that moment, the pain is so sharp I can hardly breathe. I pray that in the coming weeks, God will prepare us in a way that we never wanted to be prepared...if that makes any sense.

We met with my obstetrician last week. I will have to see her once a month...mostly to monitor my health. They have said that they see no need to do any further sonograms or check the fetal heart rate at my appointments. I was mad when they said this...again, feeling like somehow our baby's life is completely insignficiant...but in my heart, I know the opposite to be true. So, I dust myself off, cry for about a day, and then move forward. Unfortunately, it is a routine we've come to know all too well in the past few weeks.

Tomorrow, we will meet with the neonatologist that will attend our delivery. Please say a prayer for us as I know this will be a difficult appointment, too. Doctors have said that babies that are delivered after 28 weeks are usually born alive, and that for this reason, we need to have a plan in place for what kind of interventions, if any, we want for our baby after he is born. Again, medical professionals look at us like we're crazy when we have said that we want him evaluated just to make SURE that there's nothing that can be done for him. So please pray that this neonatologist isn't just another person that will think we're nuts.

Later this week, we will meet with Patti Lewis at Alexandra's House, a perinatal hospice. I have spoken with her on the phone and think that she will be a wonderful resource for us. She has connected me with another Mom in the Kansas City area that lost a baby a year ago, and she and I have talked often, which has been good for me. As wonderful a resource as Alexandra's House will be, it is also dreadful to go to a HOSPICE for babies. Another moment when the nightmarish reality of our situation will set in.

Okay, so the positives...one of my colleagues and a very dear friend, Jan, has been doing sonograms for us on occasion. Not for anything at all medical, but just so we can watch our baby play. It is incredible. He kicks up a storm and has a profile that looks almost identical to Connor and Kylee's. He is growing at a relatively normal rate and has a strong heart rate. He likes to keep his hands up by his face. I feel him moving several times a day....what a miracle. I am now 24 weeks pregnant.

Connor and Kylee are doing well. I am sometimes overwhelmed with sheer emotion just from looking at them. They are so perfect and beautiful...and so loving and accepting of me even on the roughest of days. They, along with the prayers of others, are the life forces that keep me putting one foot in front of the other.

We thank you so much for all of your love and prayers. I ran across this quote today that I wanted to share with you: "Truly there is no hand so small that it cannot leave an imprint on the world".

Our son has already made an imprint on our lives and hearts, and we ask that you would continue to pray for him, and for us, as we move forward from here.

Tough Stuff

As many of you know, we have had a rough few weeks. On March 31st, we went in for our routine sonogram, only to find out that there is no fluid around our baby (called oligohydramnios). This was cause for great alarm because without fluid, our baby's lungs cannot develop properly, and without lungs, our baby will not be able to survive outside the womb.

I was immediately hospitalized, and since my release (I only had to stay one night, so it wasn't anything too dramatic), we have been back and forth to a local perinatologist who has been tracking our progress. We had our final "check" last week....I was 22 weeks pregnant....and were told that there was nothing that they could do....there is still no fluid. They have done genetic testing, viral testing....all with no answers as to why my body isn't producing the fluid the baby needs.

We did find out that our baby is a boy. He has a strong heartbeat and is moving each and every day. It is for this reason that we have chosen to continue our pregnancy, despite being told that typically, patients in our situation choose to terminate. We have decided that we don't want to make that decision for our baby....we believe God has created Him and will call Him back home in His perfect time (although, please make no mistake, we respect and understand why another family in the same situation would choose the other route). We understand this means several more weeks of waiting, only to have a very sick baby who may not even survive delivery, but we feel this is the right decision for us.

Typically, women with this condition will go into preterm labor, and then deliver a stillborn or a baby who only lives for a short while due to lack of lung development (Bronchopulmonary Dysplasia). So, we will be waiting and praying...I am no longer on bedrest, so we are trying to get back into our regular schedule as much as possible, for our sanity's sake, as well as the sake of Connor and Kylee.

We thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers. It is your prayers that have kept us afloat during this incredibly stressful time of uncertainty....we ask for your continued prayers; for wisdom, strength, and grace to accept whatever lies ahead for us and for our youngest son.

Easter Update

Hello! We have had a great couple weeks...still holding out hope that someday, spring will decide to show up. :)

Above are some pics of various Easter celebrations that we got to take part on it. Connor had an Easter Egg Hunt at school on a BEAUTIFUL Wednesday morning. The Easter Bunny visited our house, and the kids hurried in the cold Sunday weather to find all their goodies (Connor FINALLY got his roller skates!). We also had a visit from the Easter Bunny at Grandpa and Grandma Lori's house, where thankfully, it was a bit warmer...with enough candy for 10 or 12 kiddos!! Brandon and I are still enjoying the remnants of that celebration...

Lots has been happening in our house...

After a great deal of discussion and deliberation, I decided to resign my position with the MinuteClinic. I hadn't really even gotten started on my own there yet...but felt that this was a case of the right opportunity at the wrong time. In between balancing my responsibilities here at home, at William Jewell, and with my Grandpa, there just isn't room for another job right now. It was a tough realization for someone who prides herself on keeping all the balls in the air, but also a powerful lesson in prioritization...and let me tell you that my family will win out every time. There will be plenty of Nurse Practitioner opportunities on down the road...when family is healthy and kids are a bit older...I am realizing how quickly time with my children at home is going to pass by.

Speaking of Grandpa, things have been a bit hectic. I attended a family meeting with therapists and the case manager at The Sweet Life, and they are going to continue working with him for the time being. The primary frustration tends to be the fact that his progress isn't consistent...while he will have really GOOD days, he also has really BAD days...which can, at times, make it difficult to justify continuing to work with him, because in order for Medicare to continue to pay, continued, consistent, progress must be documented (I am learning a lot about Medicare!). The kids and I are going down to visit twice a week and then we go as a family on Sundays for a few hours. We so greatly appreciate all of your prayers for him and ask that you'd keep them coming!

And, speaking of time at home with my children passing quickly, we attended kindergarten round-up with Connor last night. Oh, boy. He will be an Alexander Doniphan "Dolphin" as of next fall. They showed a video of "A Typical Day in Kindergarten" with this beautiful song playing in the background and that was all she wrote for this Momma. I was relieved that when the lights came back up, I wasn't the only one with a tear-stained face. We were impressed with the school, got to meet all the kindergarten teachers (we'll find out which teacher Connor will have later in the summer), and liked the Principal, too. Connor spent some time in one of the classrooms and did well. He still isn't entirely sure about this whole kindergarten thing, but it was a good introduction. I can hardly believe that we are at this point in our lives. I feel so blessed to have enjoyed the last 6 years with him at home, and know that this will be a great experience for him, too.

Kylee is doing well and growing leaps and bounds almost daily, it seems. We are currently engaged in the potty wars (why I call it a war, I don't know, since we ALL know that the parents won't win!). We continue to admire her confidence and decisiveness...she's finally big enough to keep up with the other neighborhood kids, so it's fun to watch her run and explore with them.

In Baby #3 news, I am almost 20 weeks along and doing well. We have our sonogram on Monday afternoon and have decided to find out the sex of the baby (all of you who know us well are not a big surprised by our decision...we know, we know...it was fun to imagine being spontaneous people for at least a few months). ;) The kids are coming with us and are excited to know if there's a brother or a sister in Mommy's tummy, and Mommy and Daddy are anxious to see if this little one is healthy (and honestly, excited about answering the gender question, too). :)

Thanks for reading!

Big News for The Carlson Crew

Good Morning!

Look closely at these pictures, and you will see that Kylee's shirt states that she's going to be a BIG SISTER!

That's right, folks, we are excited to announce that Baby Carlson #3 is on the way...due August 17th. I am 13 weeks along and doing well. I have battled the typical first-trimester stuff, which has added an interesting dimension to a busy work schedule and trying to navigate all of this with Grandpa, but I am now at the point where I am having more good days than bad days, which is great.

We had deliberated for months about having a third child...me being more comfortable with the idea than Brandon. I think that a large part of my desire to have a third comes from my frame of reference...coming from a family of three kiddos myself. My sister, the middle child in our family, assures me that the only reason I think having three kids is cool is because I was the oldest of my brood. :)

We thought, prayed, discussed, discussed some more, and this summer, both came to the conclusion (independently, actually), that we were brave enough to be outnumbered. :)

We feel amazingly blessed. I had a sonogram last week and it was incredible to see a perfectly formed little person floating around inside my belly. Following the sonogram, we told the kids what was about to happen. Both seemed fairly okay with the idea, which was a relief. I think Kylee was way more excited about her new shirt. Connor said he was "too nervous" to have his picture taken in his big brother shirt, so that's why there are no pictures of him in this post.

The question many folks have asked us as we've shared our news is "Are you going to find out what you're having?". Our answer, right now, is "no". But, who knows? When we're sitting there right next to the sonogram screen in a couple months, our resistance to finding out may dwindle (I, in general, don't like surprises, so this will be interesting). However, given that we really have no preference either way, it makes sense to spice it up a bit this way.

Let the adventure begin.