Sweating for a Good Cause

Hello!

As I have mentioned in my previous post, some friends of ours approached us about creating a memorial garden for Caden. They have worked tirelessly to arrange everything, and the grand groundbreaking took place yesterday. We woke up to our dear ones out in the back yard, digging away. It was incredible and I wanted to share these pictures with you so that everyone can enjoy the fruits of their labor.

For those of you that don't know, our backyard is roughly the size of a football field. It is 1/2 acre in size. Seriously HUGE. Many people have peeked out at it from our kitchen and just stared at the sheer vastness of it. So, putting in a garden to fit the yard is NO small task. Our friends designed the perfect space with which to memorialize our precious boy. Overheard from one participant: "I thought we were just putting in a flowerbed!" This is a garden of amazing proportions. A true outdoor sanctuary. And it is absolutely incredible.

They started by digging trenches for the retaining walls:

If you were able-bodied, you were invited to join in the fun...Connor worked tirelessly ALL DAY. Really. It was incredible. Here he is with his friend Braden. 15 children of our friends that came to help were over at another friend's house, where two very brave women took care of them for the day so we could get this work done. Bless them.

The next step was tilling up the sod and then putting the edging around the garden:

One retaining wall done:

Two retaining walls done:

We have always had a deep appreciation for our friends, but let me tell you, we have a whole new level of appreciation for everyone that came out yesterday and sweated along with us (Brandon and I joined in the fun around noon). Folks worked tirelessly despite the 95 degree heat. And, they acted as if they were genuinely happy to be there. We also have a new appreciation for landscapers and, just level ground in general. We moved A LOT of dirt to get things to this point. Butch was our faithful tiller operator (props to Ron for being a worthy second string tiller operator) and he did an AMAZING job getting the ground prepared.

Here is where we left off. After about 50 bags of mulch, it looked amazing. The remainder of the planting will be done in September when the plants will fare a little better. Notice that the little bushes are in the shape of a "C".

Thank you to those of you who came to help, and thank you to those of you who supported us in spirit. We are so very, very grateful. I picture us sitting out in Caden's garden on a quiet evening, enjoying our beautiful surroundings and knowing that our baby boy is watching over us while we're doing it. I can't wait.

Blessings Abound

Hello...

This week has continued to be very rough for me on an emotional level. I don't know if anyone out there can relate, but I can generally go a few days feeling down in the dumps, and eventually, the MASSIVE MELTDOWN occurs. After several times of me answering "I'm fine" when Brandon asks what's wrong, he asks one more time (because he is an exceptionally patient and loving husband), and the dam breaks.

I admire his bravery in continuing to ask, because quiet frankly, dealing with the dam break is no fun for anyone...and if I were him, I might wish to avoid that. But he persists, knowing that eventually, the emotions will come rushing out, along with a great deal of whining, tears, and verbal diarrhea. Thanks, honey.

This week has actually been a good one for my wonderful husband. He got to go see the new Batman movie with our neighbor (rave reviews, by the way) AND, he is getting a new cell phone (this rivals our wedding day and the births of our children in terms of joy for those of you who don't know of my husbands love for gadgetry, particularly a good cell phone). I love it that my husband finds so much excitment in these things. He deserves it. Truly. But, as a result of this, I started feeling sorry for myself because I am currently craving some "happy things" in my world. So, the downward spiral began.

The dam broke and the meltdown occurred last night. Part of my meltdown resulted in somewhat of a realization (it is always nice when I can pull something constructive out of the verbal diarrhea)....that I am feeling very RESENTFUL right now.

Now, I am resentful about the obvious...continuing a difficult pregnancy and then not getting to hold my baby while he was alive. But I am also resentful about less obvious things...allow me to process with you all...

1.) My children are going to school in about three weeks. I had anticipated this being a wonderful time for me to bond with our new baby...and now, there's no new baby, and not only that, but I am sending my other two babies away (granted, the youngest will only be gone for 3 hours twice a week, but still!). I was not ready for an empty house, but now God going to make me figure out what to do with it. I feel like I have been asked to "figure out" enough. Ugh.

In talking with many people that have dealt with infant loss, we have noticed two means of coping....the first of which is getting a new family pet, and the second of which is a trip to DisneyWorld. This greatly amused us, because prior to hearing this, we had discussed the exact same methods of coping....

2.) We had contemplated getting a new dog....more or less so I will have something to nurture while my kids are away at school (plus, what is there in this world that sweet puppy kisses won't make feel better?). Now, I think that deep in my heart, I know a new dog probably isn't the right solution for us (we have been down to one dog for about 4 months now and it has been really nice, plus the potty training, the expense, the messes, yadda, yadda, yadda)....but, there is a part of me that defies logic and longs for SOMETHING little, furry, cute, and cuddly in the house. And, I know the kids would love it. We went to Petsmart last weekend and Kylee asked if she could have a chinchilla for her birthday. I think a dog would be a great alternative. Anyway, we can't get a dog right now because we will be travelling a lot throughout the next month or so. So, that idea is out for now. Ugh.

3.) We are not going to go to Disney. We have worked very hard over the last year to pay off our "bad" debt. We have been able to make decent progress, and so putting a trip to Disney on the credit card wouldn't be the most financially sound decision we could make. It sucks to have to be responsible at a time like this, but I know that, in the end, we wouldn't feel good about spending that much money on a vacation right now. But still, I resent that. Ugh.

4.) I can't fit into any of my clothes. I feel squishy, and once again, have been left wondering if my abdomen will ever resemble anything other than a muffin top. When a girl is down in the dumps, she does NOT need to stand in her closet contemplating which pair of elastic-waistband pants she is going to wear. This is much easier to deal with when you have a beautiful newborn in the house...and I don't. So I just get resentful. I know if I watch what I eat, I can lose the weight (although I am afraid that the muffin top is here to stay). However, I don't WANT to deny myself ice cream and french fries right now. But again, if I want to lose the weight, I must be disciplined. One might say, "but Lindsey, it has only been four weeks". But trust me, four weeks of alternating between the two pairs of pants that fit is enough for me. Plus, in a way, it is nice to have at least one aspect of this situation that I can do something to remedy. I just wish it involved consuming more grease and chocolate. Ugh.

I feel like, if God is going to put me in this situation, he needs to help me get through it. And sometimes it is hard to see how He is doing that. But then I look around me and realize how MANY wonderful people are praying for us right now. I see my husband sitting beside me in the dark, just listening. I watch my children play in the swimming pool, splashing without a care in the world. I get an e-mail from someone who is contributing to Caden's garden. I speak with another mother who lost her baby just a week ago and realize that, in fact, although it's all hard, each day does get easier. I am already being given the opportunity to comfort another, and God will use this situation for good....somehow. Through all of these people and things, He is helping me.

After my meltdown last night, I came downstairs this morning, puffy-eyed and praying for the strength to make it through one more day. I found a plate of eggs that Brandon had fixed for me, still warm on the counter. I noticed our kitchen smelled good, and I saw two beautiful lilies that my husband had bought for me last night sitting on our kitchen table in a vase. I am currently watching our two children hard at work coloring on our family room floor....

The blessings abound. I confess my resentfulness and am grateful that God has already forgiven me for it. I know that, despite the fact that I have told Him multiple times this week that He is a real jerk, He is still providing for us in ways we are not even aware of. And, I know that, as the tears roll down my face, our baby is Home.

I know that, while the most painful, this is the best blessing of all.

"God is able to provide you with every blessing in abundance, so that by always having enough of everything, you may share abundantly in every good work." 2 Corinthians 9:8

Hanging In There...

Hello...

It has been a good week so far. Mondays have been difficult for me since Caden's birth...since he was born early on a Monday morning, I tend to relieve the moment we realized he was not alive over and over again. But this Monday was different. Time moved relatively quickly and I found I wasn't totally sad. It was a welcome relief.

Then came Tuesday...and I kind of hit the wall. I was having what my husband refers to as an "off day". The tears stung the back of my eyes several times as the day progressed. My heart ached. I REALLY missed our baby. I know there are many that I could call in these sad moments, but sometimes, the words just escape me. And although I know that we are blessed with many friends that would just listen to me cry, there are moments that I need to grieve our baby on my own. But it is no fun.

Today has been better.

This emotional roller coaster is trying. Although I have dealt with grief before, grieving for your own child is an entirely different matter. We are also at that point now...nearing the one month mark....where many folks have gone on about their daily routine (as they should!), and we are left continuing to deal with the emptiness we have inside. It is the natural progression of things, and it is painful, but a necessary step in the process. Your continued comments on the blog warm our hearts...we are grateful that you all are still checking in. :)

One of the things we are able to think about now is a gift from our friends....several of whom have come together to organize a memorial garden for Caden. They will begin the work of preparing a space for the garden in our backyard on Saturday. We have been completely overwhelmed by their desire to help us memorialize our son in this way....and even more overwhelmed that they are willing to come on a HOT Saturday in July to work on it. :) Our friends have worked tirelessly....planning, visioning, shopping, purchasing, organizing....to make this space so special for us. I have no doubt that the finished product will be amazing. Stay tuned...

We still have not received our professional pictures of Caden. We are hopeful that we might have them in the next two weeks. Our photographer assures us that she is working on it.

I read a book last week..."I'll Hold You in Heaven". Jan brought it by for me and it was a spectacular read for someone in our situation. For anyone who has experienced abortion, miscarriage, or early infant loss, I'd highly recommend it. It was good to get back into something that is Scripturally based. I haven't been able to do any sort of Bible study in awhile, so it was a comfort to me to ease into the Word that way.

Speaking of spiritual matters, we went back to church for the first time on Sunday. We were welcomed with love...lots of hugs and "we're glad you're heres" were given to us. We held it together quite well (if I do say so myself) and it was good to be back at North Star. Going back to church was one of those hurdles that we needed to get over, and we did it. It felt a bit surreal to stand there singing a praise song, when inside, there is a part of me that is so sad. I know, however, that God knows exactly how I am feeling, and that brings me comfort. He knows I am trying. We talked about it afterwards, and going was more an act of obedience than anything else for us at this point, but if felt good. And it was such a blessing to be so well-received. We are grateful for our church family.

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Special Families

Good Afternoon!

I write this post with a heavy heart and am asking each of you who is still kind enough to check in on us to pray for some new friends of ours.

We came to know Greg and Shelly and Royce and Susan through Alexandra's House. It has been a rough summer for all of us. You know our story, and both of these families have their own stories as well, as they chose to carry their babies, both of whom had been diagnosed with Trisomy 18, to term.

Royce and Susan welcomed baby Gabriella into their lives on Saturday, July 5th. She has defied the medical community's odds in many ways....by making it to term, by surviving birth, and by now, surviving for two weeks. Royce and Susan were able to bring their precious pink bundle of joy home after just a couple days in the hospital. However, Gabriella is now having episodes where she stops breathing...resulting from her brain not telling her body to breathe....and these episodes are occurring more and more frequently. As you can imagine, this has been a very difficult time for Gabriella's family (she has a big brother and a big sister, too!), but they are such a testimony to God's strength as they share how much they are enjoying their short time with Gabriella here on earth. As Royce has said, she is "sprouting her angel wings" as heaven prepares a place for her.

Greg and Shelly, who have three older children, gave birth to their fourth child, Noah James, on Friday the 18th. Unfortunately, they are familiar with our pain, as their son was not born alive. They are now back home together, healing, grieving, and feeling empty. Hearing of their feelings instantly takes us back to the sheer rawness of emotion that occurs in the hours and days after telling your baby good-bye. And it breaks our hearts.

We are amazed at how, even though we have not spent much time with these families, we have felt instantly bonded with them as a result of the shared experience of carrying terminally ill babies first in our wombs and subsequently, in our hearts. We ask that you would say a prayer for these two families and thank you, in advance, for doing so.

Sparkles and Carl

We have been especially touched by a gesture that some friends of ours, Doug and Polly, made for Connor and Kylee. They wanted to offer each of the kids "something to hold", in Polly's words, that would remind them of their baby brother. We were very touched.

Our friends funded a trip to Build-A-Bear for our kids. Connor and Kylee each picked out a bear that would remind them of Caden. Connor picked "Carl" and Kylee picked "Sparkles". We have been encouraged to take pictures of things that we do to memorialize Caden, so we snapped some photos of this excursion.

This was such a great gift and we have been truly inspired by it. It was so fun to watch the kids enjoy picking something out and then dressing their bears with love...I have to admit that throughout this adventure, I had a lump in my throat....remembering our youngest and wishing that the kids could love on him directly instead of choosing something to hug in his absence.

The opportunity to do something specifically for Connor and Kylee was wonderful. In trying to meet the needs of ourselves and, of course, Caden, I have often found a huge need to make sure Connor and Kylee's emotional needs are met, too....but that can be difficult when my own emotional and physical energy is low. This was a wonderful way to do something just for THEM, as Caden's siblings. Just as it is important to remember big brother or sister when a new baby comes to the house, it is also important to remember siblings in a time of loss. We were grateful for the opportunity to do this with our children.

Thanks, Doug and Polly!

Welcome Home!

Good Morning!

We took off this weekend for a spur of the moment trip to St. Louis. My sister Sarah had some hotel points built up and she let us cash them in for a couple nights at a hotel (thanks, sis!), so The Carlson Crew was off and running (nothing gets us moving quite as quickly as something that is FREE!!!). We had a great time visiting the St. Louis Zoo and the City Museum. We got home late last night and will spend today in recovery mode...although Brandon had to go back to work like a real grown-up today, so Connor, Kylee, and I will enjoy recovery mode on his behalf. :)

It was really great to get away for a couple nights. I have to admit, however, that I was a little surprised by how much I missed Caden on our trip! Even though he never got to travel with us outside of my belly, we had gotten kind of used to having him along wherever we went. I missed that this time around. At the zoo, we (of course!), ran into two young mothers who were pushing newborn babies around. Seeing their babies' little feet peeking out of their strollers made my heart ache. Our experience makes me want to stop folks with newborn babies and just let them know how fortunate they are to have those tiny feet in their lives....

When we arrived home, we had some cards waiting for us. We read all of them and continue to be overwhelmed by all the folks who have extended their love and prayers to us. There was one card, though, that stood out to me last night...it says, quite simply..."Long before we're ready, we sadly say goodbye. But there are those, in a far more beautiful place, who are saying "Welcome Home." I thought this was exceptionally beautiful, and it caused me to stop and reflect on what our little Caden is up to right now and who might be saying "Welcome Home" to him....

Caden had two Grandmas waiting for him in heaven. My mother, Beth, and my grandmother, Elinor. I know they were standing there waiting for him when he arrived. Caden also has a Great Aunt, Mary...Brandon's mother's sister, who has received him with open arms. Caden has some smaller friends...other infants who were applauding his heavenly birth....Jael, Gianna, Jayke, Jeffrey, Danny....and he has friends who will be coming up to join him in God's time....Gabriella, Noah.....thinking of all these angels warms my heart. And let's not forget, Caden has a dog, Winnie, licking his face and probably stealing food right off of his heavenly plate. :)

We have received a great deal of comfort from families who have walked through this valley previously, and I am realizing that maybe another benefit of getting to know these amazing people is so that we can have a glimpse of who Caden is spending his time with in Christ's mansion. Doesn't every parent want to know a little about their children's friends? I am getting that privilege, even though my baby isn't here. And it is incredible. So many wonderful people, both big and small, saying "Welcome Home!" to our little man.

I am so grateful to know that Caden is surrounded by such love and hope. Selfishly, I pray that he will find some time to come and peek in on us every now and then...I am so grateful for our little angel...and all of his friends.

Some day, we will get to see our son again. I look forward to the day I get to hug him and hear him say "Welcome Home, Mom!".

Checking In...

We have been blessed with many visitors this week, and have also appreciated your phone calls, e-mails, and cards sent through the mail...all letting us know that you are thinking of us and continuing to pray. Thank you so much.

I have had really good moments, and really rough moments...which I know is to be expected. There are moments when I absolutely cannot stop the tears, and then moments when I get a glimpse of the peace that has eluded us since our diagnosis.

Brandon called our neonatologist, Dr. Hall, earlier this week. He was very reassuring to us. He said that he, too, was surprised that Caden wasn't born alive, and he intended to do some research on our situation to see if he could glean some answers about what might have happened. At this point, his best guess was that perhaps Caden got caught up in his cord. He did warn us that there might not be much data out there for him given that most people in our situation choose to end the pregnancy shortly after diagnosis. We shall see. We are fully prepared to not ever have an answer, but Dr. Hall's affirmation that the decisions we made were sound and provided our baby with the best chance possible is valuable to us.

Speaking of Brandon, he has had a good week at work, so thank you all for your prayers. He has felt blessed by everyone's response to him being back in the office. While his motivation level is still a bit low (understandably so), people have been very understanding and accepting, and he has found it helpful to have other things to focus on.

It has been hard for me to ride herd on the kids by myself. I am finding that my hormones are still fluctuating quite a bit, and my energy levels are fairly low by the end of the day (which is probably nothing new, but the exhaustion runs a bit deeper after all this, I guess). I think that the last 3 months, in many ways, is beginning to catch up with me. The kids have been excellent. We try to get out for at least a couple hours each day, which helps all of us quite a bit. I am sleeping very well at night, which makes a huge difference in how I am able to cope with things throughout the day. Physically, I am doing much better, so thank you all for your prayers for that, too.

A couple nights ago, I got the brilliant idea that we should watch our video of Caden's birth. My sister had taped it for us at our request, and I wanted to see what had been captured. Bad idea. We sat and watched it together, and it was as horrific as I remember it being. I have since reflected on that morning and realize that I felt completely forsaken at the moment we realized Caden's spirit had left his body. While I had hoped that the moment that Caden was born would be a peaceful one, instead, I felt that God had abandoned us as I looked at my lifeless son laying on my chest. I struggle with this because I do believe that God does not ever forsake us, but I question His purpose in that moment in particular. What would it have mattered to Him to give us just a few minutes with our son alive? Was He saving Caden from pain? What was the plan? We will never know. It is a tough one to reconcile.

I am hungry for God's presence...and yet, I feel a sense of resentment towards Him as I reflect on Caden's birth. I long to feel God's arms around me. I want to crawl up on His lap and sob. I want to feel joy in the truest sense again....I want to make it through a day without crying, but I also want the memory of my son to stay as fresh as it is today....

I have contacted an infant loss support group leader and we plan to attend a meeting next month. I am hopeful that will be a good resource for us as we continue to work through our grief. We have found great comfort in talking with other parents who have experienced loss, so hopefully attending the support group will be an extension of that.

Speaking of memories of our son, some of you have asked about our Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (NILMDTS) pictures...we did have them taken, and we are hopeful that we will get them in the next week or two. We will certainly share them as we are able. We are both really looking forward to seeing them, and yet, dreading it all at the same time. I break out sobbing just looking at the NILMDTS website...I can only imagine how I will feel when that precious baby in the picture is ours.

We thank you so much for continuing to support us through prayer and in so many other ways. We are so grateful.

Images of Our Precious One

We have received many pictures from our family members and just had to share some of them with you. What overwhelms me most about these pictures is not just how beautiful our precious Caden was, but also, the love that you see in his family's faces as they gaze at him. Our hospital room was so filled with love on June 30th, and the support we felt from our families both before and since Caden went to heaven has been, in a word, remarkable. We are forever grateful for the way in which our kin embraced our son, figuratively and literally. In most of these pictures, Caden is wrapped in a blanket that was made by his Great Granny Loretta.

Here you go:

Mommy and Son...I want to remember forever how soft his little head felt under my fingers...

Daddy's turn. There's just something about seeing an infant nestled in his father's big, strong arms...

Grandma and Grandpa Carlson...

And Grandpa and Grandma McKinney....

Here is Caden with Aunt Sarah, one after which he was named....

And, Uncle Jordan....

And, I can't sign off without one more picture of his AMAZING head of hair...

Sleep tight, precious angel.

Back to Reality...

Good Afternoon!

We are all sitting together here in our family room, eating some snacks and staring at the TV. This has become a bit routine for us this week, and I have to say, I don't mind it. We just got home from taking the kids for a swim at the local Community Center (well, the three of them swam and I sat on the side of the pool). It was so fun to watch Connor and Kylee try new things in the water, and it is always a joy to watch Brandon interact with the kids.

Aaron and Rachel (Brandon's parents) left on Thursday afternoon, and it was a bit strange having the house to ourselves again. I was nervous about how that might go...would not having extra people in the house magnify our sadness? While it was tough to see them go, we have enjoyed our time together at home....and although we have often commented on how much we miss our baby, this time of healing together as a family has been just what we needed.

Physically, this has been a tough week for me. As many of you know, a woman's body doesn't know whether or not the baby she's carried for 8 months survives or not, so I have dealt with all the typical discomforts of the postpartum period. Yesterday and today have been much better, which is a welcome relief. I have often struggled with the fact that my body is almost literally crying out for my baby, much in the same way my soul longs for little Caden.

And speaking of matters of the soul, I have also found myself grappling with the "what-ifs" surrounding Caden's birth. Not getting any time with him alive has been the thing we're both struggling with most. And then, as is so much my nature, I ask "What did I do wrong?" "If we had chosen a different path, would he have survived?" "Did we induce too soon?" Medically speaking, I know what the answer is, but as the mother of this precious baby, my heart wanders through these very dark tunnels. It is almost too easy to question decisions when one knows exactly how the story will end (you know, hindsight is 20/20)...which, of course, we didn't know until a week ago. My husband offers me great reassurance by pointing out that we made the best decision we could make with the information we had at the time. And he is right. We did the best we could. I must confess that it makes me angry to feel even the slightest guilt about our decision. The last three months have been the most painful in our family's history...if you go through that, shouldn't you get to walk away guilt-free? I think that not having answers about why Caden was stillborn is going to be more difficult than maybe I had imagined it would be.

And in the name of healing, Brandon will go back to work tomorrow. He is dreading it. He wonders how people will handle him...and is a bit fearful, I think, of people asking dumb questions or saying dumb things....but he knows, in his heart, that everyone means well. I am hopeful that it will be easier than he's thinking it will be, as anticipation is often worse than just diving in. If you think of it, please say a prayer for him. I think this is one situation where he might be grateful for the depersonalized environment of corporate America. :)

Connor and Kylee have handled all of this like true champions. They have been happy and full of life, which is just what their Mommy and Daddy need right now. They haven't said much about Caden...I am guessing that perhaps the questions will come later. We are so grateful that they appear to be coping with everything so well. Thank you all so much for your prayers for them. They have LOVED celebrating the fourth of July...Connor was totally into lighting the fireworks and watching them illuminate the sky, and Kylee, while a bit afraid of the noise, had a pretty good fourth, too.

One foot in front of the other, one step at a time...

Hour By Hour...

Good Morning. Brandon has done such a great job keeping things updated, but I have missed you all and wanted to take a turn. :)

I am feeling up to writing a bit...almost feeling as if I need to purge....you all have been such a receptive community and for that, we thank you. You have loved our precious baby Caden right along with us....

Although I knew that these days would be difficult, I had no idea just how painful they would be. My heart literally aches, and the tears burn in my eyes almost constantly. My body mourns the loss of our son, also....cramps, pains, tenderness....they all serve as a reminder that Caden is no longer inside of me. To ask a mother to tell her infant goodbye...it seems unreal to me, as I know it does to many of you. It just isn't nature's order, and although I know that God is sovereign, I can't help but question this call.

I hadn't realized how desperately I wanted Caden to be born alive. I am grappling with why God didn't allow us at least a few moments before He brought Caden to be with Him. I already know that I will probably NEVER get a reason why. I won't lie and tell you that I am okay with that. I simply am not. The look on Brandon's face when the Doctor told us Caden wasn't alive is one that won't soon be erased from my memory.

I wish I could convey to you how BEAUTIFUL Caden looked. His hair was my favorite part of him...a gorgeous color and absolutely silky soft. His little head was perfectly shaped, and his skin, although cold, was truly baby soft. His eyes were closed so peacefully, yet opening them revealed the deepest blue color you could ever imagine. His fingers were long, slender, and delicate. His little feet were also perfectly formed, with one little toe on his left foot that stuck up just a bit.

It was simply amazing to watch our family members embrace our little man. They held him so tenderly, with love reflected in their faces. It didn't matter that Caden's spirit wasn't inside his body...they showered him with love and acceptance and marveled right along with us at how perfect he was. Connor and Kylee each took turns holding him...how painful to realize that he will never get to run and play with them, but I know that he is watching over them from above. Connor really wanted to dress Caden, and carefully laid out and folded the onesie we had brought...he and Brandon worked together to get the littlest Carlson all dressed up. Now the onesie is in Caden's memory box, a true treasure.

Brandon and I were allowed some very precious time alone with Caden as well. We curled up in bed together, just the three of us, and we stroked his soft head and inhaled his faint baby scent before laying him in the basket for the last time. We knew, in those moments, that our struggles over the last three months had been worth it.

We went to the funeral home yesterday and that was a total nightmare. I know it's their job, but getting a sales pitch about purchasing family burial space just wasn't what we needed. We signed all the paperwork, and paid a bill that I had never fathomed paying...for the cremation of our precious son. Looking at his death certificate and seeing that the "never married" and "never employed" boxes were checked brought a great deal of pain, but I have to remind myself that such earthly pleasures are far beneath the splendor of heaven that Caden is experiencing right now. We picked out an urn that is a little teddy bear, and Alexandra's House will cover the cost of that for us as they assist us in memorializing our son. They offered us one last chance to see Caden, but we opted not to. A difficult decision, but we decided that the image of him resting peacefully in the white basket (the picture posted on our earlier blog), is the one we want to carry with us.

Looking at pictures of him is still so painful. I know that eventually, these momentos will bring me a great deal of comfort, but for now, they are symbols of something that has been lost. I talked with another Mom who has experienced infant loss, and she said "you just have to get through this, hour by hour." She's right. There's no way out but through it.

The day I left the hospital, it was bright and sunny out. As she wheeled me outside, the nurse said, "At least it could be rainy. That would be more appropriate, wouldn't it?" I don't know that I actually responded to her, but inside I thought, "No. My baby boy knows I need the sunshine on my face today."

Today is a rainy day. I guess God is crying with us.

Miracle of the Moment

We came across a song a few weeks ago that really spoke to us, and we wanted to share it with you. Steven Curtis Chapman simply has a way with words, and "Miracle of the Moment" is no exception:

Our Angel Baby

We're back at home now, and settling in. We are blessed to have grandparents here to ride herd on the kiddos so we can sleep and/or rest.

For those of you who want a few more details about what happened, here you go. Lindsey woke up around 4:30am wanting to be re-situated on the bed. The nurse checked her and found that she was a "6", so we figured it was go-time. We made a few phone calls to people who were to be present for Caden's grand entrance while the nurse shifted Lindsey. Just a few minutes later, she checked Lindsey again and saw that she was a "10" and ready to go. Obviously, this was incredibly fast, and we were all caught off guard. The nurses hurriedly began to prep her for delivery, and the doctor -- who lived about an hour away, so she had stayed on the floor overnight -- was called in. The wonderful perinatologist who would evaluate Caden was paged.

When the doctor came in, she took one look at Lindsey and knew she was ready to go RIGHT NOW. Lindsey asked if we could wait to let people get to the hospital, but the doctor said waiting wasn't an option. About a minute later, almost before we were even ready and without Lindsey even pushing, Caden joined us. He never drew a single breath.

He weighed 3 pounds 2 ounces, and was 15 inches long. He looked totally peaceful, with a face that resembles his brother and sister's and a fair amount of reddish-blonde hair. Despite all that we had been told about how he might appear due to the lack of fluid present, he was beautiful. Our precious little angel. Above is a picture of Caden in a basket that the hospital allowed us to use while we were there.

Thank you all for your loving prayers and support. We would not have been able to get through this without all of you! To see all those comments and visits on the blog is to know that we are loved by many, many people, and that is priceless to us. We will take the next few days to gather ourselves together and attempt to re-establish a new 'normal' pattern of life. In lieu of flowers or memorials, we are considering a few options for donations, and will post more information when we make a decision.

Thank you all for bearing this burden with us, and for lifting us up daily. We can feel that when our strength is gone, yours holds us up, and your prayers sustain us.

It Was Over Before It Began

Hard labor began around 1:30. We walked a few laps around the unit, then sat for a bit, then called for the epidural. After a couple hours of rest, Lindsey woke up at around 4:30. The nurse checked her and realized it was TIME. We made some quick phone calls to have people head to the hospital as they prepped her, but only moments later, Caden Adair was brought into this world. His spirit had already left his body, taking everyone by surprise. I guess he couldn't wait to go meet Jesus.

Thank you for your prayers.

Please continue, but for a different reason now...

Nighty-Nite!

Everything has been done that can be done at this point, so we're going to try to get some rest. If we wake up in the middle of the night for the festivities, I'll post again (if time allows); if not, I'll catch you all up in the morning. Thank you again for your thoughts, prayers, and well wishes! We appreciate how so many of you are walking this road with us!

Good night!

Evening Update

Well, we're still here, and still percolating. We've had to readjust our thinking (obviously), and are starting to settle in for the night. The doctor is supposed to come back at around 9:30 and administer the next phase of the chemical concoction, which is supposed to kick things into gear in a relative hurry. So, we may be having a looooong night tonight! Of course, no one really knows how long things will take, so we may still be here on Thursday...

Seriously, though, thank you all for your prayers and support! We cannot express enough to you how reassuring it is to know that you are all pulling for us! We will continue to post updates for as long as we are awake (and not otherwise occupied), so if any of you want to come along on our journey real-time, you're welcome to do that!

Thank you again - we'll keep you posted!

Still Here...

Not a whole lot has changed since the last post - we're just waiting for the chemical concoction to take effect and start labor. It's normal, though, for it to take a few hours to start working. Lindsey was allowed to eat lunch, which was a mixed blessing - it's good that she got to eat and drink, but it also means that labor isn't imminent quite yet.

*sigh*

She's out walking around the floor now, to try to get things rolling along. Same prayer request of the moment as last time. :)

And We're Off!!!

We're here in the hospital now, and Lindsey is all hooked up. We're listening to little Caden's heartbeat on the monitor and watching When Harry Met Sally. The doctors think it will be at least 12 hours before Lindsey goes into hard labor, but she labored for a total of 12 hours with each of our other two, so we're hoping for much sooner.

Now comes the final stage of waiting...

Prayer request of the moment:
We really don't want this to drag out any longer than it has to, so please pray that labor comes sooner rather than later.

Thursday Evening

Hello Again!

Today has had its ups and downs...it has been brightened by your wonderful comments on my previous post. It is especially fun to hear from some of you Jewell folks (hello, Link and Nan!) that I haven't had contact with in quite awhile. Thank you, also, to our readers, Kylee and Michelle...however you've found us, we're glad you did. And to all of you who read but do not leave comments, we appreciate you stopping by.

I have been dealing with some anger today...anticipating Sunday, wondering how things are going to play out....and resolving that it is just plain frustrating that we have absolutely NO CONTROL over what is going to happen.

In the midst of this, my husband has shared some Scripture with me. I am glad that he is spending time in the Word, because honestly, I haven't been able to pick my Bible up for a very long time. Not because I don't think that I should....but because I just can't. People have sent so many verses to me, each of which has touched me, so I am appreciative of those opportunities to examine Scripture. Brandon has been especially struck by the story of Abraham sacrificing his son, Issac...an eery parallel to what he is experiencing as Caden's father. We say that we are hopeful we find our own lamb soon. :) Brandon has also shared Christ's words to his Disciples before His arrest in John Chapter 14. I am so grateful for his perspective and spiritual leadership right now.

Reading Scripture, while comforting, also reminds me that God does ask His followers to do things that are HARD. He sacrificed His only Son....and it appears He is asking us to make a similar sacrifice. Ugh. I spoke to Jennifer, who lost her baby girl about a year and a half ago, and she described preparing to deliver her daughter and feeling very humbled. That is a great way to describe how I am feeling. Completely humbled. Because I know there is absolutely NO WAY I am going to survive this without God. I am powerless do to anything but the best I can do. Which, I suppose, is how I should view all of my life as a child of His...but this situation really brings it home, and I have to admit, humility is hard.

Anyway, it has come to me that perhaps I need to ask you all, our faithful prayer warriors, to lift us up in specific ways over the next few days. Please allow me to share:

-Please pray for my labor. I am scared to death that it will drag on and on...serving to make me even more crazy than I already am. Please pray that things move quickly and smoothly with that.

-Please pray for Brandon as he supports me at the hospital and grieves our son as only a father can.

-Please pray for Connor and Kylee. Kylee has had a couple of rough days...acting out, throwing things, screaming, tearing things apart...not typical of her, and I know it is a response to the tension around here. She came up to me last night and said "Mommy, I am going to miss our baby". I pulled her up on my lap and we had a good cry together. Connor appears to be doing well, but I know this weekend will be hard for him, too. Please pray for them as they grieve in their own special way for their little brother.

-Please pray for Caden...that if it be God's will, He might be healed....and if not, that we will get to enjoy at least a few moments with him alive. We are asking for a miracle....either that our son will live, or that somehow, we will have peace in the moment that we tell him goodbye.

-Please pray for our family as they support us through this weekend. They are experiencing a loss, too, and yet, are being available to us. We are so thankful.

And lastly, it is our prayer that somehow, this is reaching someone that needs to hear our story right now...maybe because they are experiencing loss of a similar kind...or maybe for another reason we can't even imagine.

Thank you all. Rest well tonight.

Thank You

Good Afternoon!

It has been an eventful day here at the Carlson home. Patti from Alexandra's House came by to drop off some scrapbooking materials and an outfit for our little man, and Jan, our wonderful friend and my co-worker, brought Kylee and I some lunch to eat. Both of these women took time to pray with me, which is just what I needed today.

We have been surrounded by prayer this week, from those who are near, and those who are many miles away. Our prayer team from church came and prayed with us on Monday evening, and then on Tuesday, our new pastor from North Star, the Children's Ministry coordinator, and the interim Pastor that has filled in as the leader for our congregation in between time came and prayed with me. What a blessing these prayers have been.

This morning, I was overwhelmed by the need to say "thank you" to so many of you. I found myself getting choked up when I stopped to reflect on just how much you all have done for us. So, I will start here, and probably summarize more than I should, but hopefully, you know how heartfelt our gratitude is.

First of all, I want to thank our friends. To Becca, who has called almost daily just to check in on me....to Trena, Jeana, Kirsten, Debbie, and Jaymie, who have helped me to laugh and have brightened my days with beautiful flowers, cards, and regular e-mails.....to Heather, who has freely shared her own experience with loss and encouraged me to think and feel in the way that is right for ME....to Dana and Jennifer, who have prayed for Caden each and every day, as have many of you....to Robyn, whose words, in person, on the phone, in a card, and on her blog, continue to impact me in a way that few do....thank you.

To Paula, for sending cards on a weekly basis and for reminding me that is it okay to question and wonder why....thank you.

To my colleagues at William Jewell College, who brought meals, picked up slack with my courses, and have asked no more of me than I was willing to give at any moment and have been completely understanding and supportive....to Wanda, who has so willingly allowed me to draw strength and encouragement from her own painful experience with infant loss....thank you. You ladies exemplify what the heart and soul of nursing is all about and I am honored to be on your team.

To Jan...how can parents express what the precious glimpses of our son mean to us and will mean to us in the months to come? For meeting us on evenings and weekends, for enduring painful hand cramps as you hold the transducer perfectly still so we could watch Caden play, for your spirit of grace and unconditional love, both for us and for our son...for bringing us a peace that only you can provide, and for treasuring Caden's life right along with us....thank you.

To our church....for putting us on the prayer list three months ago and leaving us there each week...for all the hugs and concern....for the prayer shawl (thank you, Kay)....for being Christ's arms around us as we've walked through this valley....and particularly to our small group, the (not so) Young Adults....for the endless offers of help, meals, cards, and for the laughter on Tuesday evenings....thank you.

To Caden's grandparents....our kids are so blessed to have you in their lives. Thank you for loving and praying for each of them since before they were conceived. Your constant encouragement and support is something we simply couldn't do without. Thank you for instilling within us the importance of following God's will in our lives, even when it isn't easy. Knowing that Connor and Kylee will be taken care of this weekend is something that we are beyond grateful for...and we know that, for however brief a time, Caden will get to experience your love and affection this weekend, too. Thanks for putting your own emotions aside to be strong for us. We know it hasn't been easy. We are praying for you throughout this time, too. :) Thank you, thank you.

To Caden's Aunts and Uncles....this little man is lucky to have you in his life....thank you for checking in so often, whether from Overland Park or from North Carolina...and for supporting us so faithfully through prayer.

To Jennifer A., Jennifer S., Hope, Laurie in CA, Renee, Patti, Susan, and Shelly....thank you so much for checking in on us....we are so sorry that many of you have had to walk through this valley before or are walking through it now with us....and we are grateful for those of you who just plain have a heart for those of us who have to surrender our little ones after such a short time with them. Some of you we will never meet face to face, but your words serve as such an encouragement to us. Thank you for sharing your own pain and loss and for offering us a glimpse of the healing and recovery that can follow such utter devastation....we are so grateful.

To our precious little ones, Connor and Kylee....for being the very spirit of Christ in our midst....for being the reason that I get up every morning and find the strength to move forward....for exemplifying childlike faith....for knowing that we're not going to get to bring our baby home and for still kissing my belly and drawing him pictures, anyway....for sitting on my lap and sharing my tears when Mommy just needs to cry....for having so much love to give and for giving it so freely....for reminding us that everything God creates is perfect....thank you.

To my husband....thank you for holding me, crying with me, and for being the only other soul in this world that can connect with our son as a parent. Your presence is a great comfort to me. Your steadfastness is the foundation of our family, and your strong desire to follow God's will in ALL circumstances is simply amazing. I would not want to go through this with anyone but you by my side...and for your hurt, I am sorry. Thank you for all the ways in which you have taken care of me physically...helping around the house, chasing the kids when my energy runs out, cooking meals, never-ending Wal-Mart runs....and most importantly, thank you for always being willing to take care of me emotionally, too. I am so blessed to be married to my best friend and the greatest father in the universe, be that for our children here on this earth or for the one that may be looking down on us from heaven....thank you for being you and for loving me.

And lastly, to our precious Caden....thank you, well, for being you. Thank you for kicking and for defying the odds to live long enough to make it this far....I don't know why God is calling you to come home with Him so soon, but I trust that it is because you possess something very special....you have been called to fulfill His purpose in an incredible way. If it is His will to call you home, thanks for watching over all of us and for being our very special little angel. We are forever grateful for your presence, however brief, in our lives...and for forever, in our hearts.

And to you, our reader...thank you for caring enough to check in. We are truly overwhelmed by your support and love.

Tuesday Morning

Today is a big day in my life. Let me preface this post by saying that I am a CLEAN FREAK. Before children, I couldn't leave the house without every pillow being in place and everything being JUST SO (which is also why I am NEVER on time anywhere). I once spent my spring break during my Master's program scrubbing the ENTIRE house down (walls included...and, just for the record, this is when we lived in a much smaller home). After children, I have had to mellow out a bit. I have progressed from every pillow being in place to just being happy if there isn't pee splattered all over my bathroom before we leave the house. But I still fight my OCD about having floors and counter tops pristine. For quite some time, I told myself that I was just being a good wife and mother, but now I realize that neither Brandon nor the children care in the least about man-eating dust bunnies accumulating in our corners, so I have had to accept and acknowledge that I alone derive a great deal of inner peace from how our home is maintained.

As with many psychological issues, I can trace this tendency back to my childhood, where EVERY Sunday, we cleaned the house from top to bottom (most Sundays, we did this instead of going to church, which shows you the priority placed on cleanliness in our home...oops). My mother was the "white glove test" guru. Every nook, every cranny, was scrubbed. I grew up with this, so it is a priority I have carried with me into my own home (although we are very careful about putting Jesus first in our lives and I do the cleaning throughout the week so we can go to church together on Sunday). I LOVE the smell of a clean house (I do have a strange affinity for the smell of bleach)...I adore glistening faucets and clean mirrors. Vacuumed carpets are one of my favorite things...

Now, please know that I do not carry this tendency into other people's homes. I don't care about other people's man-eating dust bunnies, and pee splattered everywhere in someone else's bathroom doesn't phase me in the least. So please don't think I am critiquing your home in any way. I am relatively blind to any filth but my own.

So, knowing this about me, you will understand that a big item on the to-do list for this week was to get the house cleaned. It is a big deal for me...I like things done a certain way and have those particular spots that make me especially happy when I know they are clean. I am a control freak about it. But today, Molly Maids will be coming to clean my house. It is a big moment.

This is big on many levels...I haven't ever wanted to hire someone to clean because 1.) I am a complete cheapskate, 2.) I would be irate if I paid all that money and then found an area that wasn't clean (or, in other words, I am convinced that I can clean better than they can), 3.) What we will pay for a cleaning would allow us about 5 meals out and I loathe cooking, and 4.) I think that being home means it is MY job to clean...and therefore asking someone else to do it is shirking my responsibilities.

This experience has allowed me to get over that. Almost everything is uncomfortable now, and for the first time, I am LETTING IT GO and realizing that I shouldn't be scrubbing the bathroom floor on my hands and knees right now. I am doing ENOUGH. I am ENTITLED to some help.

This is revolutionary for me, folks. An experience like this lends itself to many new ventures. Just being able to acknowledge that it's OKAY to have some help is a big step. Having to ask for help does not come naturally to me...but I am learning that we MUST lean on others...thankfully we don't have to pay friends and family for their help like we do Molly Maids. :) This is how Christ intended it to be. We cannot wait to give back to all of you, but understand right now, our job is to RECEIVE. And thank you for giving us so much.

Thank you, precious Caden, for helping us to learn so many new things about ourselves. We love you so much.

Check These Out

I know I just posted this morning, but felt compelled to write again because I have some things to share with all of you.

Some of the neatest encouragement we have received has come via e-mail. I want to encourage you to check out the following links...

The first is a video that is worth the 4 minutes of your time it will take to watch it. Our friend Kirsten forwarded it to us several days ago, and I just took the time to look at it today. Funny how the Holy Spirit works in that way. I especially encourage those of you who have endured the loss of a child to check this out. It is exactly what I needed to hear:

http://www.onenewsnow.com/Teaching/Default.aspx?id=77580

The second is a blog post written by our dear friend, Robyn. She has recently started a blog, and while we enjoy reading it on a daily basis, we were especially humbled and honored by her post today entitled "Prayers":

http://robynattheshallowend.blogspot.com/2008/06/prayers.html

Our friends are Christ with skin on for us. Thanks to all of you for being who you are.

Monday Morning

Good Morning!

I am going to try to post each day this week...and it is probably coming from a selfish place. As Caden's birthday approaches, I am finding that I am filled with several strong emotions...sadness, heartache, anticipation, hope, fear...and maybe taking the time to reflect on them on a daily basis will help me process a bit. We shall see.

This weekend was a good one. We played with the kids, got some work done around the house...tackling one of the last big projects I wanted to do before going to the hospital. While doing that brings a type A personality like me peace, it also brings with it an aire of finality. We are now down to our "one week to go" list. It is so painful for me to go through the motions of delivering a baby without being able to anticipate bringing him home with us.

Last night, we hosted a barbeque for a few families who are either currently pregnant with a terminally ill baby or have lost a baby shortly after delivery. These are folks that we have become acquainted with through Alexandra's House. We have communicated via e-mail, but it was wonderful to meet them in person. While our hearts ache for them, there was such comfort in getting to see that we are not alone in this experience, and that people have survived it. It was a great way to spend a Sunday evening.

We can feel the prayers of others and want to thank you for them. We have both had such a hard time over the last several days....I think there was an element of hope that maybe, just maybe, God would let us skip this part....and it is hard to know that despite all the pain and heartache of the last few months, we are now charged with mustering up the strength for this experience, too. It is just SO HARD.

In addition to much prayerful support, we have received so many wonderful gifts from friends and family...and one of them came to us last week in the form of a beautiful quilt created by one of our friends from church. It is made of cheerful colored cloth with Caden's name embroidered on it. Kylee looked at it last night and said "That's Caden's birthday present! He will use it to go night-night." The childlike perspective is so innocent, so faithful. To a child, eternal rest is not much different from a good night's sleep...resting in our Creator's arms. I am so thankful that we have Connor and Kylee in our lives.

Brandon just let me know today that the hospital we will be going to does have wireless internet access, so we will be posting regular updates to our blog throughout our day on Sunday. Please check often...we will not be shy about posting specific prayer requests. :)

Thank you all, so much, for your love and support. We are forever grateful.

"The Lord is my light and salvation--whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1

Under Two Weeks and Counting...

Good Afternoon!

I felt compelled to write a little bit today to give you all a quick update on what's been happening here at the Carlson house. We had a crazy, but wonderful, weekend filled with the celebration of Connor's 6th birthday. I will post pictures soon. :)

Connor continues to enjoy summer school and opted to go back yesterday despite having fulfilled our one week mandatory attendance. He did stay home today, saying that he "doesn't want to go EVERY day". I must say, it has been nice having him around today...and I think part of his reason for staying home is sheer exhaustion after such a long, exciting weekend.

I had my LAST Doctor's appointment a week ago. I am so relieved that I don't have to go back! We talked through some details of our hospital stay and labor...they will start my induction at 0900 on Sunday morning, the 29th, and we are hopeful that Caden will join us either Sunday evening or Monday morning, June 30th. At this point, I will plan to deliver Caden vaginally (leave it to a nurse to use that word on a public blog!), even though he is, at this time, breech. The Doctor assures me that given that he will be small, combined with my "favorable pelvis," we will have a positive outcome and not end up having to have a C-Section. I pray that she is right. The disadvantage of a vaginal delivery is that it tends to be more difficult on the baby, and therefore, decreases the odds that Caden will survive delivery. We are hoping for even a few moments with him while he is alive, so please be praying that he makes it through the birth without any trauma. It is difficult to opt not to have a C-Section...after all, as parents, our first responsibility is always to our children's health and safety, but we acknowledge that recovering from abdominal surgery in addition to the grief process is probably not the best thing for us to be doing...so please pray for a healthy and safe delivery for our little man.

As the day approaches, our emotions run wild. The relief from being done with this roller coaster will be great, but I think there is also a huge element of fear of the unknown that weighs heavy on our hearts. How long will labor take? What will Caden look like? Will he be born alive, or will his spirit be in heaven before we get to meet him? How will Connor and Kylee handle things? Are we SURE God will give us everything we need at this exact moment?!?!?!?!?! Needless to say, we'd appreciate you alerting all the prayer warriors in your life to be praying fervently for us and our families over the next couple weeks, and particularly on the 29th and 30th.

Aaron and Rachel, Brandon's parents, will be coming to Kansas City to help us with the kids while we are in the hospital, and they will stay for a few days after the delivery to help us get back on our feet and entertain the kiddos. My Dad and his wife, Lori, will also be helping with the kids, so we know Connor and Kylee will hardly miss us while we are gone, which we are grateful for. :)

We have decided to limit our hospital visitors to family...feeling that this is the best way to maximize our few precious moments with Caden. Grandparents, Aunts, and Uncles, along with Connor and Kylee, will be on hand to meet Caden and "hold our hands" as we walk through this difficult time. We are so grateful that all of you will be with us in spirit!!

Some have asked about a memorial service, and we have decided not to have one at this point in time. I know some might think that is a mistake, but we feel it is the right decision for us. We may arrange something for later in the summer, but for now, we will look forward to coming home to spend some quiet time with Connor and Kylee as we heal mentally and physically from our loss. Brandon will take a week off after Caden is born...his boss has been very gracious and encouraged him to take as much time as he needs...so we will get to be together as a family for a few days after leaving the hospital, more if we decide we need a bit longer.

Some have asked what they can do to help...we are thinking Brandon will return to work on July 7th, and after that date, the kids and I would love to have some company during the days. I am a bit frightened of how my emotional state will be after his time at home is over...so looking forward to visits from friends would be a huge blessing for me at that time. I won't be much fun to be with, but know that so many of you will love me all the same....:) The kids will also be climbing the walls, I am sure....beware that if you come over, I will look forward to showing you pictures and momentos of our baby boy if you are willing to look at them!

We have made arrangements with our Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer, and are so grateful that we will have those precious images of Caden after he is gone. We also plan to take a special blanket, created by hand by my Grandma Loretta in California, to wrap Caden in while he is with us and then bring home with us as a physical reminder of him. We have been told that the hospital will also give us handprints and footprints from our precious one. They will also send us home with a lock of his hair. And of course, there's our heartbeat bear. Forever precious.

As our delivery date gets closer, we will be keeping in touch...we continue to be so appreciative of your thoughts, prayers, and well wishes. Thanks for checking in and come back soon!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding: in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."

3D Sonogram

Hello!
Sorry to be so slow to post this, but it has been a busy weekend and I am just now finding a minute to sit down and share.

THANK YOU so much for your prayers for us on Thursday evening. As you can see, we were able to get some wonderful glimpses of Caden. Our experience at Prenatal Imaging was wonderful!! The biggest challenge was actually NOT our lack of fluid, but rather, Caden's positioning. He is laying like an Olympic diver...in the pike position!! We've taken a picture of Connor in a similar position so you can get an idea of how our little man is inside of me with his knees pressed right up by his face. Caden is still breech, with his rear down and his head (and feet!) right up in my ribs. Janette, the sonographer that worked with us, had to work really hard to get a shot of his face...but she persisted and we got at least a partial glimpse of our littlest blessing (who has been blessed with a VERY Carlson-esque set of cheeks). They sent us home with pictures, a DVD, and a CD of Caden's heartbeat. What a gift! While all of that was free, we went on ahead and purchased a teddy bear, who carries within him a recording of Caden's heartbeat. You can press on the bear's tummy and hear Caden's little ticker beating away...it is great and the kids love it, too! I will confess that I keep it close to me much of the time. It brings me comfort to listen to his heart. Connor listened for the first time and proclaimed "It sounds like a piece of metal dragging on the ground!" Ah, five year olds.

This week has been a tough one for us emotionally. I am much more physically uncomfortable and am not sleeping well at night. While I try to enjoy every kick and nudge, there is a part of me that gets frustrated with feeling out of sorts. I feel that moms who aren't going to get to bring their babies home should get a free pass from all the pregnancy discomforts...but I know this isn't how it works...nothing is easy.

It has also been a hard week because tomorrow, Connor will start summer kindergarten with the Liberty Public Schools. We haven't committed to sending him for the full summer session (18 days), but are going to try it for at least this week, so he can get used to his new school, have some experience in a kindergarten classroom, and know a little better what to expect this fall. It is very difficult and emotional for me to think of him beginning this new chapter in life...and for us to begin this new chapter as parents. He will spend most of his day with a total stranger...his teacher, Ms. McPherson...who I have been assured is a decent human being....he is doing okay with the idea...and I hope and pray that he loves school and is blessed through his experiences there. Brandon assures me that this is the right thing to do...and he usually knows what he's talking about, so we'll give it a try! ;)

As if that weren't enough, tomorrow is also the 9th anniversary of my Mom's death. They did a prayer service in church today, during which I BAWLED (we are talking the ugly cry here, people!). Sometimes it just feels so unfair that God would ask me to process and cope with ALL of this at one time, when just one of these things would be enough on any given day. He continues to give me the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I know that my strength comes about, in no small part, because of your prayers. So thank you.

This week holds another Doctor's appointment for me...Tuesday morning. I am hoping this will be the last one before we go into the hospital to deliver. I am a bit concerned about trying to deliver a breech baby without a C-Section, so plan to ask some questions about that. I will also get more information about the induction process as a whole, so that will help, too. We are three weeks away from meeting our little boy.

A Reprieve...

Hello!

We spent our Memorial Day weekend in Colorado visiting Brandon's folks. It was a wonderful chance to escape the daily routine around here...and a bit of a distraction from all that has consumed us for the last two months.

The kids had a great time, and we did, too. We took a trip to the Denver Zoo, the kids went to Chuck E. Cheese's with Grandpa and Grandma while Mommy and Daddy enjoyed an evening out, we roasted marshmallows...and just had a nice, relaxing visit. We attended church with Aaron and Rachel on Sunday and were overwhelmed by the people that knew us because they have been praying for us faithfully throughout this ordeal. It was humbling and reassuring.

One of the highlights of the trip for Connor was a fishing excursion with Grandpa and Daddy. He caught three Sunfish, and we just had to share this video of catch #3 with you (see the end of this post). Watch all the way through to the end...it's worth a chuckle.

I have been feeling well and we are now 28 weeks along. Caden is breech, so most of the time, I have a head poking me in the ribs. I am definitely starting to feel some of the discomforts of later pregnancy, but I try to be grateful for every moment...a month from now, we will get to hold this precious baby boy in our arms. The kids are more aware of the baby now, as my belly has grown a bit over the last few weeks...they both got to feel Caden move in my tummy last night and were very excited.

We told Connor about the name that we'd picked out for his brother, and, as usual, he handled it with a grace that defies his age. He said "Even though he will be born dead, he still needs a name!" (excuse the harshness of that, but those of you who are familiar with what an honest and up-front age 5 is understand). We talked about heaven, and how if Caden couldn't be here with us on earth, we wanted him to go straight up to be with Jesus. He agreed.

I had an AMAZING sonogram with Jan before we left town. She got several great shots of Caden's face, and at one point, we even got to see him put his hands in his mouth and suck on his fingers. He also opened and closed his mouth several times while we were watching...almost as if he was saying "Hi, Mom!". Brandon had to work late, so Jan and I got to enjoy the moment together, and bawled our eyes out. It was incredible.

We are supposed to be having a 3D sonogram this week. A local company called Prenatal Imaging offers them free of charge to Alexandra's House families. They have told us that it is the amniotic fluid that gives them the depth that they need for the third dimension, so the sonogram may not work for us, but we are going to try. It has struck me how badly I want this to work, as our time with him Caden be so short, so any glimpses of him alive and well are so precious...please say a prayer that somehow, the images will come across. I am frightened that this will be just another disappointment, but want to see this little guy bad enough to try. If the pictures do work, we will be sure to share them with you. It will be on Thursday at 6:00 pm.

I am in full swing with the summer session up at Jewell, and Brandon is doing well at work, too. Connor and Kylee are outdoors for every moment they can be, and it has been great to have Connor out of school. Summer school starts for him on June 9th, so we are going to enjoy our schedule-less existence for as long as we can. :)

Hope this finds you all doing well and enjoying the sunshine. THANK YOU so much for all your e-mails and comments on our blog. It means so much to us that you take time to check in and offer your encouragement. We pour over the comments and love to hear what you have to say. We are so blessed.

I found this verse and thought it was especially applicable:

"Out of the believer's heart shall flow rivers of living water."

John 7:38

We pray that the waters in your life are flowing freely.

June 30th It Is...

Good Evening.

I had an appointment yesterday with my OB and I was able to set our induction date as we were hoping to.

I will actually be going into the hospital (Shawnee Mission Medical Center) on the morning of June 29th, where they will start the process of preparing my body to deliver our son. Hopefully, after a day of cervical softening, they will be able to start the actual induction Sunday evening. The Dr. seemed optimistic that if everything goes like she thinks it will, our little man will be born at or around noontime on Monday, June 30th.

She has told me that I can have an epidural right away, so I won't have to feel any pain, which is a relief. She was very kind and supportive and said that she will be there to deliver us, which is also a relief. Dealing with the an on-call doc that we don't know would make a difficult situation even more difficult. If everything goes like they are thinking it will, I can come home Monday evening.

I was relieved to be able to set a date. But when I got home from my appointment, I fell apart. What parent wants to choose the date to end their child's life? I hope and pray that God has a different plan for our son. And while I struggle with scheduling the induction, we will be 32 weeks along, and I know that medically, "cooking" him for any longer won't make a significant difference in his ability to survive, so it then becomes a balance of maintaining sanity while doing the best thing for him. While I feel it is right, I once again struggle with the position we have been put in.

It has been a long road, and I think as the date gets closer, many things will become more real...I wouldn't have imagined they could, but I think they will.

What will he look like? Will he cry? Will he be born alive? How long will we have? CAN WE DO THIS? Questions we won't know the answer to until we're there. But I know God is with us, and we know that you all, our faithful prayer warriors, will pray us through it.

We have had several other not-so-fun decisions to make now that we know about when this precious boy will join us...

I called Alexandra's House, and they were able to give us the names of a couple funeral homes that will be able to help us with that aspect of things. It turns out that one in the area will do infant preparation and burial free of charge, which is wonderful. At this point, we are not planning to do a memorial service, as we feel that after delivery, we will be ready to spend time, at home, focusing on healing ourselves and spending time with our two beautiful children, rather than trying to work out details for a service....that may sound gruff, but it is where we are at for today.

We have talked and decided that we want to have the baby cremated, and we plan to spread his ashes over my Mom's grave in Great Bend. I know she wouldn't mind sharing her space....and that she will already be holding her precious grandbaby long before we physically place him with her.

Several of you have asked what name we have chosen for our son. His name will be Caden Adair. Another "C" for the Carlson Crew...Adair is a family name...my Grandpa Haneke and sister Sarah's middle name. Two very strong folks in our family. We figured it was a name worthy of this fighter.

MRI Results

Good Morning!

We received my MRI results, and while perhaps we got our answer as to the cause of the problem, the news is still discouraging.

According to the MRI report, they were unable to visualize any kidney tissue in the baby...known as renal agenesis. This is a fluke occurence that happens shortly after conception...as the baby's urinary system forms, for some reason, the kidneys do not. Obviously, without kidneys, the body cannot make urine like it needs to, and given that amniotic fluid is made up almost entirely of fetal urine, these babies don't have fluid around them.

While we are grateful for an answer, we are also a bit frustrated, because we were told multiple times by our Perinatologist that the baby does, in fact, have kidneys. I called the Perinatologist's office yesterday and spoke with a nurse who told me that, in all likelihood, the MRI is correct. Given that I have hardly any fluid around the baby, visualizing structures like the kidneys on the ultrasound is extremely difficult. She stated that, more than likely, while the Dr. thought she was seeing kidneys, she might have, in fact, been seeing adrenal glands or some other structures that looked similar to kidneys, but were not.

This brings about a variety of emotions for us, as you might imagine. Had we known, from the beginning, that our little man didn't have kidneys, we might have moved down a different path. Yet here we are, six weeks later, just finding out that the information we were first given was incorrect. It is very aggravating...one of many times we have been told one thing when perhaps the truth is something different.

However, we also know that there is a reason that we didn't learn this information until now. God clearly has His reasons for not disclosing this to us until this point in our journey. We are becoming more and more aware, all the time, that He is in charge and our job is simply to follow and try to trust.

The other piece of news we received as a result of this MRI is that while our baby most likely has renal agenesis, this is not a genetically-linked condition. Therefore, if and when Connor and Kylee have their own children, it isn't something they will be at an "increased risk" for. I don't know if it's more comforting or more petrifying to know that this whole condition is just a fluke.

We thank you for your continued prayers and support. I have another Doctor's appointment on Monday and am hoping to set an induction date at that time. I think it will really help us to know what day we're going into the hospital...maybe allowing us to prepare, in more ways than one, to meet our son.

The Week in Review...

Hello and Happy Friday!

Just wanted to give you a quick update here before the weekend...

We went and met with Patti Lewis at Alexandra's House on Wednesday night. She was warm and very supportive of the decision that we have made to continue our pregnancy. She asked lots of questions, provided gentle counsel, and suggested some things that we might want to think about prior to our delivery date....it was a good discussion and not as much of a downer as I had thought it might be....mostly because many of you were praying for us, I am sure. So thank you.

As a part of our visit, we got to see many pictures of the babies and families that have been through Alexandra's House, and it was incredible. Even though these babies weren't "normal" by society's standards, they were each absolutely beautiful. God's hand in creating them was so evident as you looked at their peaceful faces, some living, some having moved beyond this world. In many of the pictures, the babies were cradled in their parents' hands or arms...and in most photos, the parents were smiling, which is incredible to me....further evidence of the grace and strength God will provide us in that moment. Patti also encouraged us to let Connor and Kylee come to the hospital to meet their baby brother...she says that children don't see what the world sees...and that we should allow them the opportunity to be a big brother and big sister, because that is, after all, what they are. We're still pondering this one, but I know that the thought of our three children in the room all together is one that evokes great emotion in me...and if it's a vision that I won't get to have for long, maybe I should snag it while I can...

We do plan on having pictures of our son taken by a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep...they have a website if you want to see some of their work. These photographers volunteer their service for families like ours...www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org...get out your kleenex and have a look at these precious babies.

Jan did a sonogram for us this afternoon, and once again, our little man was kicking, poking, and prodding throughout the whole session. We did a get a good picture of his face, which is so precious to us. Jan scanned us for almost an hour, and it was such a gift (as it always is) to see his heartbeat on the screen. She tells us that she doesn't know what she is doing...but let me tell you what precious moments she provides us with, regardless of her feelings about her competence....knowing that we may not get to know our baby for long outside of the womb makes these moments even more sacred to us...we are so thankful for her time, and for the Women's Center that allows us into their space....

Next week will be a relatively quiet week. We found out that our insurance will not cover the cost of an autopsy after the baby is born, so in an effort to find out if the baby's kidney function is the cause of the lack of fluid, I am going to have a MRI done on Tuesday morning in the hopes that maybe it will provide us an answer about the root of the problem. I am scared that this procedure will only bring more bad news...but at the same time, how much worse can it be, and we feel that gaining as much knowledge as we can is important....I am guessing we will have to wait a few days for results following the scan, but we will certainly let you know what we find out.

I have remained in decent spirits this week. We will celebrate Brandon's 31st birthday this weekend, which we are all really excited about. Mother's Day will be tough this year...both because my own mother isn't here, and because my littlest one isn't healthy....but I am so grateful to celebrate this holiday with Brandon, Connor, and Kylee...God's greatest gifts to me.

Speaking of, Connor and Kylee are doing very well, and I want to post some pictures of them this weekend. Kylee got a new haircut this week that makes her look about a year older. Connor's school took a field trip out to the Shatto Dairy Farm a couple weeks ago, and I have some fun photos of that as well.

And the band plays on....

Happy Mother's Day to all you Mommies out there! :)