Three Months

Good Morning!

Three months ago today, we met and told our precious Caden goodbye. I was reflecting a couple days ago about how we knew about Caden's condition for three months before our delivery, and now, that same amount of time has elapsed since he was born. That is crazy to me. It has been six months since all of this began. Wow.

This month has held its own challenges and heartache. The beautiful garden in our backyard was finished. The dedication was held, despite tornado activity and torrential downpour. Our dear friend, Jan Witzke, walked in the first annual Liberty Women's Clinic "Strides for Life" walk in memory of Caden. She carried his picture with her while she walked. We all signed her t-shirt. Yesterday, I had the privilege of speaking with a group of senior nursing majors at William Jewell as part of the OB class' perinatal loss lecture. The Holy Spirit was right there with me. Wanda, a colleague of mine who has also experienced the loss of her son, sat beside me and encouraged me as we both shared together. The students were receptive, interested, and genuinely compassionate. It was exhausting and wonderful.

I am finding that it is easier to talk about Caden. I am also finding that, despite the fact that he is not here with us, my love for him is actually growing with each passing day. Isn't that amazing? I am beginning to let go of the hurt, anger, and uncertainty that came with not knowing how things would end, and now that those questions are answered, I am now able to instead focus, little by little, on what an amazing little boy he was. Doing so makes me love him more and more. Don't get me wrong, I miss him more and more, too...his place in my heart grows deeper and deeper with time.

I often wonder what he's doing up there. Is my Mom holding him? Is he playing with other children? How does he look? Is he watching over us? I know that he is happy and fulfilled. And for today, that is good enough for me.

We love you, precious boy!

"There's More of Us, Mommy!"

We took the kids out to do some shopping this weekend. One of the salespeople at a local store was talking with us and was asking Connor and Kylee what their names were, how old they are...you know the drill. She then asked "Do you have any other brothers and sisters?" and then she looked to Brandon and I and inquired, "Do you have other children?" At first, I was a little put off...did she think we did have other children but just left them somewhere else ("Why, yes, but we left the others out in the car!")?

Connor and Kylee looked at me and waited for an answer. I think the saleslady sensed there was more to the story. I wasn't sure what to say. What I wanted to say was "Yes! We have more children. You see, on March 30th, we were told that...." but I didn't think it was the time or place to get into all of that. So I simply shook my head and said "No. Just the two of them."

Connor looked at me, and almost immediately said "Mommy! There's more of us! Not just two! We have Caden! Our little brother!"

I then revised my answer...."Yes, we have one more son, but he's not here with us. We have one in heaven and two here." The saleslady said something like "Oh, that's too bad."

I looked at Connor and said, "You're right, Buddy. There are more of you."

And there always will be.

A Rough Patch

Hello.

I am writing tonight to ask for your prayers. It has been a rough week for me. I think the garden dedication, while providing a great deal of closure for me, also dug up a fair amount of grief and sadness...in that fresh sort of way that it hit me right after Caden was born.

I struggle because, while I do believe with all of my heart and soul that God is with me, I feel as if He is just standing there, watching me. Not intervening. Not even comforting, necessarily. I have a strong sense that He is right beside me...however, I wish He would reach out, hold me, and show me some true joy.

Selfishly, I cannot help but reflect on the incredible and painful sacrifice He asked us to make. We were denied any time with our son after making a decision (to continue the pregnancy despite a terminal diagnosis) that we believed to be within God's will for us. It is a tough pill to swallow. I want a reward. And I, in a very human form and fashion, desire it NOW. After all, God has MY baby up there with Him.

We have been told by many who have also lost children that incredible things will happen in our lives as a result of this experience. Many of them also report having visions of their children in heaven or seeing signs here on Earth that lead them to believe that their child is happy and well. Today, I hunger for this sort of affirmation. Just like any parent, I wonder what my son is doing up there. I want to know that God sees the sacrifice we've made and that He's going to make it right for us.

I am so grateful to know that my son is sitting at the Father's feet. But, has God forgotten about those of us who are grieving here on earth? Caden's mother and father? His brother and sister?

The evil one would have me believe that I am forgotten. However, I know that I am not, but I seek His comfort and reassurance desperately. I want him to show me the rainbow behind the clouds. In a tangible, undeniable way.

I see the parallels to my own parenting. I can just hear God saying to me what I might say to Connor or Kylee..."When you choose a better attitude, I will help you." Folks...right now, I don't know if I have a better attitude in me. My tank is pretty empty.

After six months of extreme unrest, my soul longs for peace and joy that only He can bring. And I am going to have to find that in spite of enduring my worst nightmare...telling one of my children "goodbye" forever.

I know it will come. I pray it happens sooner rather than later. I believe He can bring it to me.

The Dedication

We learned the true meaning of the word "dedication" on Friday night.

As many of you know, the Kansas City area was hit with severe weather on Friday evening, with tornadoes being sighted around the metro area. When the tornadoes finally blew threw, a torrential downpour started. So, those who ventured out to North Star Church on Friday evening were truly dedicated!!! We debated about cancelling everything, but then decided to make a go of it despite the bad weather (growing up in central Kansas has led us to perhaps not be as afraid of Mother Nature as we should be sometimes). The tornado sirens shut off as we were walking out our front door.

We were amazed at the turnout despite the bad weather. Several were unable to join us because of the storms, but we know those that weren't able to be there in person were with us in spirit.

The Dedication was PERFECT. We did move it to our church because of the inclement weather, so we created a PowerPoint that we showed so people could see the progression of our garden. The names you see on the last couple slides are names of all the families who donated to our garden, either financially or with their time. Wow.

I am so thankful that we proceeded with the dedication despite the bad weather. Brandon and I both really needed the closure it provided. Our pastor spoke, Chris and Tiffany, our worship leaders, sang two beautiful songs, and Brandon spoke for a few moments about what the garden has meant to us. It was short, simple, intimate...just what we'd wanted.

Thank you to all of those that made the special effort to come out and join us. It meant the world to us to have you there. For those of you who were unable to attend, here is a piece of the dedication just for you. You can check it out here.

Hopefully that link will work, but let us know if you have any problems with it!

Planting Day!!

Planting Day in Caden's Garden was a HUGE success. Several of our friends came out and put planted some beautiful flowers and gorgeous bushes in our yard today. Our garden comes complete with solar lighting, too (thanks, Berrys!). We are so pleased with how it came out.

Here are some pictures:

Caden's "Treasure of Heaven" windchime (thanks, Laurie!):

A plaque engraved in Caden's honor (thanks, Debbie!) that sits underneath the Magnolia tree from Caden's grandparents:

Kirsten brought Kylee a special bug to put in the garden:

We are looking forward to dedicating the garden next Friday evening. THANK YOU again to all of you who have made this outdoor sanctuary possible!!

Two Months

Good Evening!

We are sitting here, listening to the Republican National Convention. I don't dabble in politics often (Brandon does that enough for both of us), but it is interesting to hear the perspectives of those that are speaking. I am excited about a woman running on the McCain ticket. I look forward to hearing her speak tonight.

This week has been a good one. Brandon and I took a trip to Chicago over Labor Day weekend. The time without the kids was so nice. It was great for us to be able to rest, relax, shop, and eat on our own schedule. We took in some of the sights of the city, slept in, and ate ourselves into oblivion. The kids spent time with Grandpa and Grandma McKinney in Baldwin, and, despite spending three days there, Kylee still cried when it was time for her to come home with us. They had a blast over the weekend, too.

Friday was a difficult day as we learned that baby Gabriella Duffet, at 55 days old, passed away. We have come to know Gabriella's family through Alexandra's House. Gabriella was born on July 5th and had Trisomy 18. As I mentioned in a previous post, she defied the odds by being here on earth with us for as long as she was. As her Daddy said on their family blog...Gabriella sprouted her wings and went to heaven....on August 29th. It brought back many painful memories of losing Caden, and, again, the question "Why must anyone endure this kind of pain?" We may never know. Of course, our love, thoughts, and prayers continue to be with the Duffett family. Please include them in your prayers as well.

Saturday was the two month anniversary of Caden's birth. I felt funny and then realized what day it was. I often find that my heart tells me when an anniversary date is approaching even if I don't consciously realize what the date is. I was grateful that we were doing something fun together. It made the day more bearable.

I am finding more peace as the days go by. There isn't a day that I don't miss our baby, but time is healing our wounds. Life is moving forward. Brandon and I talk about Caden often. The kids are doing well...Kylee hasn't had any more meltdowns, although she still looks at the baby stuff in Target with sad eyes. Above, you see her wearing her napkin on her head at dinner. Look out, Little Red Riding Hood!

We are picking up the pieces and finding our new normal. I have found that I speak of Caden in normal conversation as one of our children, which, of course, he is. Sometimes it catches people off guard, but it feels good to say his name. Some inquire about him when I mention his name, and it gets easier to share his story each time we do it. As we share our story, we have found that many people open up and share their own story of loss. It is humbling and soothing all at once. Many have looked at Caden's picture in our entryway and commented on how beautiful he was. We agree. :)

On Saturday, our friends will be here planting flowers and shrubs in Caden's garden. We are excited to see it all come together. We will dedicate the garden in just two weeks...another step in the healing process for us. We will post pictures when it is finished.

We are so grateful to have a garden full of living, beautiful things to help us memorialize our baby boy. Thank you so much to all of you who have helped bring the garden into being.

We continue to appreciate your love, thoughts, and prayers. Keep them coming!

Here It Is!

I had mentioned posting this for all of you to see about a week ago, and am just now getting around to it.

If you choose to watch this DVD clip, you will get a glimpse of some of our family's most intimate moments. If you've been reading this blog over the last several months, you have already shared some of our family's most intimate times, and I feel it is appropriate to invite you into our sanctuary through this 12 minutes, too. I do not take sharing this lightly. These images were captured about a half hour after Caden was delivered. It was 5:00 in the morning, after a very long day and night of labor.

Please know that posting this is an act of trust and love on our part. We thank you for being interested and for desiring to know our little boy in whatever capacity you can. What makes me most emotional when I watch this is not just seeing our precious son, but also seeing how much love he was surrounded with in his brief time on earth. As you watch his grandparents, aunt, uncle, siblings, and friends gaze at him, I hope you can sense what we have been blessed with as we have grieved our loss.

I hope you will enjoy the music on this clip, too. These are songs created by artists especially for the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep song bank. They are amazing. The last one, in particular, does a particularly excellent job of putting into words so much of what I have felt in the last 6 months.

It seems strange, and a bit inappropriate, to ask you to enjoy this. Instead, I think I will humbly ask you to approach viewing this reverently....in whatever form that takes for you....saying a prayer, shedding a tear, being thankful for a loved one, holding your baby a little tighter (be they 2 years old or 52) or marveling at the beauty of a newborn....our prayers are with each of you as yours have been with us.

Our Kylee J

Hello!

We have been enjoying the cooler weather here in KC. We ventured out to Adventure Oasis on Monday (courtesy of my wonderful colleagues at William Jewell) and enjoyed the (very cool) water. Connor especially loved the lazy river, which he went on at least 5 times. Kylee was a little hesitant about the waterpark, so she and I enjoyed sunbathing together on the lounge chairs.

Kylee has dealt with the loss of her little brother in her own unique way. When we watch Caden's DVD, she often starts crying. We shared the DVD a couple times this weekend, and it was rough for her. We believe that part of this is she doesn't like to see her Mommy being upset...and the tears still roll when I watch the DVD. So, I have tried to keep it together when she's around because it breaks my heart to see her hurting.

Our printed pictures arrived yesterday, one of which was an 8X10 of the 5 of us together (it is the same one I posted previously for you all to see). I put the picture in the "family photo spot of honor" in our entry way. Kylee looked at it and screamed "I don't like that picture! I don't want to see myself be a big sister! I HATE being a big sister!" I was caught off guard by her reaction and pulled her up on my lap. She started crying. I tried to get her to verbalize her feelings, which, of course, is difficult in this situation. "Does it bother you to look at pictures of Caden?" I asked. She nodded. "Is it because it reminds you of a sad day?" She nodded again.

God was with me in this moment, because I was able to speak to her without crying myself. I gently explained that it's important for us to remember Caden, and having pictures up will help us do that. I also acknowledged that it is hard for all of us to look at pictures of him, but reminded her that she has a special angel up in heaven watching over her. I also told her that when she felt sad, she could pray about it. That seemed to calm her down a bit. I asked if we could leave the family picture up for awhile and she could see how things go. She decided that would be okay. She then helped me pick some other spots around the house where we could put pictures of her little brother up.

Bless her heart.

Please pray for little Miss Kylee...that God would protect her heart and bolster her spirit. She was so excited to be a big sister and I think the blow of not getting to bring her baby brother home has hit her a bit harder than we imagined it would. While it is painful to see this, I also feel so blessed to have a daughter that feels things so deeply. Even though she is unable to verbalize her feelings completely, her love for Caden is so evident.

Caden is truly loved and missed...by all of us.

Another Week...

Good Morning.

Another week draws to a close. This one has been fairly uneventful around our house, which is okay. We have enjoyed playing with friends and are trying to soak up what is left of summer. Connor will start school on August 19th, and Kylee on August 20th. I am back at work at Jewell on August 25th. Yikes!

Last night, we attended our first meeting of the infant loss support group that meets at Antioch Bible Baptist church in Gladstone. We were referred there by Tracy, a former student of mine who has also had a very personal experience with infant loss. The group is led by a woman who lost her son over 15 years ago.

Despite all my experience with loss over the last 9 years, I have never attended a grief/loss support group, so this was a first for me. I have to admit that as we drove to the church last night, I was quite nervous. Brandon had agreed to come with me at least once (often times, Moms attend these groups for a much longer period of time than Dads do due to the differences in grief patterns between men and women). So, we pulled into the parking lot, not sure of what to expect.

There were several other new folks attending the group last night, so that was a blessing for us in terms of feeling more comfortable. We all took turns sharing our stories. For some, the grief was very fresh....losing a baby just 3 weeks ago. For others, they were attending the group after realizing they hadn't dealt with a loss that occured 17 years ago. It was the first time I had shared our journey with Caden to complete strangers. There was a collective gasp in the room when I got to the part about continuing the pregnancy despite being advised to terminate. In a strange way, it was reassuring to hear people recognize what a difficult decision that was. It was painful and healing to share our experience.

Brandon said that he'd go with me at least once more, which I take to be a good sign. I think we were both a little fearful that we'd end up chanting the serenity prayer or singing kum-by-ya together holding hands in a circle. We were grateful that this wasn't at all the case.

We left the group meeting and then stood in the parking lot and talked with other folks who had attended for another 30 minutes. It is amazing to me how going through infant loss instantly bonds you. Instantly. There is nothing like a hug from another mother who has told her baby goodbye.

It will be six weeks Monday since Caden was born. I can't believe it has been that long since I held my youngest son. I laid in bed last night, remembering all the nights I laid awake because Caden had the hiccups or was doing gymnastics inside my belly. Although I (obviously) carried him with me 24 hours a day, nighttime was our bonding time together. I miss him and that time we had together.

One foot in front of the other...

A Preview for You...

Our prayers were answered on Friday, when we were able to pick up our Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep pictures and DVD. It was worth the wait. We are planning to post our DVD here for all of you to see, but we want to share it with our families first. Watch for it early next week and break out the Kleenexes! The images of our time with Caden are priceless to us. While it is VERY painful to look at them right now, it also brings us great peace to know that we have this account of his time with us forever. Looking at these pictures is a sharp reminder of what we've lost, so there have been lots of tears over the last few days. But ultimately, we are amazed at how beautiful Caden was, and how much love we, and our families, were able to lavish upon him.

It's Friday!!

Good Morning!

It's hard to believe that another week is drawing to a close. It has been a good week....probably the best we've had so far. I think maybe it's because I have such a beautiful garden to look at outside my kitchen window! :)

Things have been busy around here...in a good way. We spent an evening with Sarah, Cara, and Collin earlier in the week, and then Dana and Aleksander drove down from Springfield to spend some time with us, so we had fun cruising around town with them.

We are preparing for a weekend trip today. Brandon's cousin will be getting married tomorrow night in our hometown, Lindsborg, so we decided to make a weekend of it by driving to Great Bend to see my Grandpa, too. We will go visit him in tomorrow morning after spending tonight in Great Bend, and will then head on to Lindsborg from there. The wedding on Saturday will be the first time we've seen most of Brandon's extended family since Caden was born. This wedding will be in the same church that Brandon and I got married in, so that always brings back warm memories for us.

We have been a bit frustrated because we still have not received our pictures from the NILMDTS photographer. We are supposed to get them at some point this weekend, but after being strung along for so long, we won't believe it until we have them in our hands. We have both gotten nervous, wondering if maybe our pictures have gotten lost....so we are anxious to see them soon. We went and spent sometime with another Alexandra's House family last night and got to see their DVD, and it was amazing...making us want to see ours all the more. We will certainly keep you all posted...

We are finding healing in each and every day, which is such a relief. I still have my muffin top :) and we still shed tears, but the searing, raw sort of pain is diminishing. We know this is, in no small part, because so many continue to lift us up in prayer.

Thank you.

Sweating for a Good Cause

Hello!

As I have mentioned in my previous post, some friends of ours approached us about creating a memorial garden for Caden. They have worked tirelessly to arrange everything, and the grand groundbreaking took place yesterday. We woke up to our dear ones out in the back yard, digging away. It was incredible and I wanted to share these pictures with you so that everyone can enjoy the fruits of their labor.

For those of you that don't know, our backyard is roughly the size of a football field. It is 1/2 acre in size. Seriously HUGE. Many people have peeked out at it from our kitchen and just stared at the sheer vastness of it. So, putting in a garden to fit the yard is NO small task. Our friends designed the perfect space with which to memorialize our precious boy. Overheard from one participant: "I thought we were just putting in a flowerbed!" This is a garden of amazing proportions. A true outdoor sanctuary. And it is absolutely incredible.

They started by digging trenches for the retaining walls:

If you were able-bodied, you were invited to join in the fun...Connor worked tirelessly ALL DAY. Really. It was incredible. Here he is with his friend Braden. 15 children of our friends that came to help were over at another friend's house, where two very brave women took care of them for the day so we could get this work done. Bless them.

The next step was tilling up the sod and then putting the edging around the garden:

One retaining wall done:

Two retaining walls done:

We have always had a deep appreciation for our friends, but let me tell you, we have a whole new level of appreciation for everyone that came out yesterday and sweated along with us (Brandon and I joined in the fun around noon). Folks worked tirelessly despite the 95 degree heat. And, they acted as if they were genuinely happy to be there. We also have a new appreciation for landscapers and, just level ground in general. We moved A LOT of dirt to get things to this point. Butch was our faithful tiller operator (props to Ron for being a worthy second string tiller operator) and he did an AMAZING job getting the ground prepared.

Here is where we left off. After about 50 bags of mulch, it looked amazing. The remainder of the planting will be done in September when the plants will fare a little better. Notice that the little bushes are in the shape of a "C".

Thank you to those of you who came to help, and thank you to those of you who supported us in spirit. We are so very, very grateful. I picture us sitting out in Caden's garden on a quiet evening, enjoying our beautiful surroundings and knowing that our baby boy is watching over us while we're doing it. I can't wait.

Blessings Abound

Hello...

This week has continued to be very rough for me on an emotional level. I don't know if anyone out there can relate, but I can generally go a few days feeling down in the dumps, and eventually, the MASSIVE MELTDOWN occurs. After several times of me answering "I'm fine" when Brandon asks what's wrong, he asks one more time (because he is an exceptionally patient and loving husband), and the dam breaks.

I admire his bravery in continuing to ask, because quiet frankly, dealing with the dam break is no fun for anyone...and if I were him, I might wish to avoid that. But he persists, knowing that eventually, the emotions will come rushing out, along with a great deal of whining, tears, and verbal diarrhea. Thanks, honey.

This week has actually been a good one for my wonderful husband. He got to go see the new Batman movie with our neighbor (rave reviews, by the way) AND, he is getting a new cell phone (this rivals our wedding day and the births of our children in terms of joy for those of you who don't know of my husbands love for gadgetry, particularly a good cell phone). I love it that my husband finds so much excitment in these things. He deserves it. Truly. But, as a result of this, I started feeling sorry for myself because I am currently craving some "happy things" in my world. So, the downward spiral began.

The dam broke and the meltdown occurred last night. Part of my meltdown resulted in somewhat of a realization (it is always nice when I can pull something constructive out of the verbal diarrhea)....that I am feeling very RESENTFUL right now.

Now, I am resentful about the obvious...continuing a difficult pregnancy and then not getting to hold my baby while he was alive. But I am also resentful about less obvious things...allow me to process with you all...

1.) My children are going to school in about three weeks. I had anticipated this being a wonderful time for me to bond with our new baby...and now, there's no new baby, and not only that, but I am sending my other two babies away (granted, the youngest will only be gone for 3 hours twice a week, but still!). I was not ready for an empty house, but now God going to make me figure out what to do with it. I feel like I have been asked to "figure out" enough. Ugh.

In talking with many people that have dealt with infant loss, we have noticed two means of coping....the first of which is getting a new family pet, and the second of which is a trip to DisneyWorld. This greatly amused us, because prior to hearing this, we had discussed the exact same methods of coping....

2.) We had contemplated getting a new dog....more or less so I will have something to nurture while my kids are away at school (plus, what is there in this world that sweet puppy kisses won't make feel better?). Now, I think that deep in my heart, I know a new dog probably isn't the right solution for us (we have been down to one dog for about 4 months now and it has been really nice, plus the potty training, the expense, the messes, yadda, yadda, yadda)....but, there is a part of me that defies logic and longs for SOMETHING little, furry, cute, and cuddly in the house. And, I know the kids would love it. We went to Petsmart last weekend and Kylee asked if she could have a chinchilla for her birthday. I think a dog would be a great alternative. Anyway, we can't get a dog right now because we will be travelling a lot throughout the next month or so. So, that idea is out for now. Ugh.

3.) We are not going to go to Disney. We have worked very hard over the last year to pay off our "bad" debt. We have been able to make decent progress, and so putting a trip to Disney on the credit card wouldn't be the most financially sound decision we could make. It sucks to have to be responsible at a time like this, but I know that, in the end, we wouldn't feel good about spending that much money on a vacation right now. But still, I resent that. Ugh.

4.) I can't fit into any of my clothes. I feel squishy, and once again, have been left wondering if my abdomen will ever resemble anything other than a muffin top. When a girl is down in the dumps, she does NOT need to stand in her closet contemplating which pair of elastic-waistband pants she is going to wear. This is much easier to deal with when you have a beautiful newborn in the house...and I don't. So I just get resentful. I know if I watch what I eat, I can lose the weight (although I am afraid that the muffin top is here to stay). However, I don't WANT to deny myself ice cream and french fries right now. But again, if I want to lose the weight, I must be disciplined. One might say, "but Lindsey, it has only been four weeks". But trust me, four weeks of alternating between the two pairs of pants that fit is enough for me. Plus, in a way, it is nice to have at least one aspect of this situation that I can do something to remedy. I just wish it involved consuming more grease and chocolate. Ugh.

I feel like, if God is going to put me in this situation, he needs to help me get through it. And sometimes it is hard to see how He is doing that. But then I look around me and realize how MANY wonderful people are praying for us right now. I see my husband sitting beside me in the dark, just listening. I watch my children play in the swimming pool, splashing without a care in the world. I get an e-mail from someone who is contributing to Caden's garden. I speak with another mother who lost her baby just a week ago and realize that, in fact, although it's all hard, each day does get easier. I am already being given the opportunity to comfort another, and God will use this situation for good....somehow. Through all of these people and things, He is helping me.

After my meltdown last night, I came downstairs this morning, puffy-eyed and praying for the strength to make it through one more day. I found a plate of eggs that Brandon had fixed for me, still warm on the counter. I noticed our kitchen smelled good, and I saw two beautiful lilies that my husband had bought for me last night sitting on our kitchen table in a vase. I am currently watching our two children hard at work coloring on our family room floor....

The blessings abound. I confess my resentfulness and am grateful that God has already forgiven me for it. I know that, despite the fact that I have told Him multiple times this week that He is a real jerk, He is still providing for us in ways we are not even aware of. And, I know that, as the tears roll down my face, our baby is Home.

I know that, while the most painful, this is the best blessing of all.

"God is able to provide you with every blessing in abundance, so that by always having enough of everything, you may share abundantly in every good work." 2 Corinthians 9:8

Hanging In There...

Hello...

It has been a good week so far. Mondays have been difficult for me since Caden's birth...since he was born early on a Monday morning, I tend to relieve the moment we realized he was not alive over and over again. But this Monday was different. Time moved relatively quickly and I found I wasn't totally sad. It was a welcome relief.

Then came Tuesday...and I kind of hit the wall. I was having what my husband refers to as an "off day". The tears stung the back of my eyes several times as the day progressed. My heart ached. I REALLY missed our baby. I know there are many that I could call in these sad moments, but sometimes, the words just escape me. And although I know that we are blessed with many friends that would just listen to me cry, there are moments that I need to grieve our baby on my own. But it is no fun.

Today has been better.

This emotional roller coaster is trying. Although I have dealt with grief before, grieving for your own child is an entirely different matter. We are also at that point now...nearing the one month mark....where many folks have gone on about their daily routine (as they should!), and we are left continuing to deal with the emptiness we have inside. It is the natural progression of things, and it is painful, but a necessary step in the process. Your continued comments on the blog warm our hearts...we are grateful that you all are still checking in. :)

One of the things we are able to think about now is a gift from our friends....several of whom have come together to organize a memorial garden for Caden. They will begin the work of preparing a space for the garden in our backyard on Saturday. We have been completely overwhelmed by their desire to help us memorialize our son in this way....and even more overwhelmed that they are willing to come on a HOT Saturday in July to work on it. :) Our friends have worked tirelessly....planning, visioning, shopping, purchasing, organizing....to make this space so special for us. I have no doubt that the finished product will be amazing. Stay tuned...

We still have not received our professional pictures of Caden. We are hopeful that we might have them in the next two weeks. Our photographer assures us that she is working on it.

I read a book last week..."I'll Hold You in Heaven". Jan brought it by for me and it was a spectacular read for someone in our situation. For anyone who has experienced abortion, miscarriage, or early infant loss, I'd highly recommend it. It was good to get back into something that is Scripturally based. I haven't been able to do any sort of Bible study in awhile, so it was a comfort to me to ease into the Word that way.

Speaking of spiritual matters, we went back to church for the first time on Sunday. We were welcomed with love...lots of hugs and "we're glad you're heres" were given to us. We held it together quite well (if I do say so myself) and it was good to be back at North Star. Going back to church was one of those hurdles that we needed to get over, and we did it. It felt a bit surreal to stand there singing a praise song, when inside, there is a part of me that is so sad. I know, however, that God knows exactly how I am feeling, and that brings me comfort. He knows I am trying. We talked about it afterwards, and going was more an act of obedience than anything else for us at this point, but if felt good. And it was such a blessing to be so well-received. We are grateful for our church family.

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Special Families

Good Afternoon!

I write this post with a heavy heart and am asking each of you who is still kind enough to check in on us to pray for some new friends of ours.

We came to know Greg and Shelly and Royce and Susan through Alexandra's House. It has been a rough summer for all of us. You know our story, and both of these families have their own stories as well, as they chose to carry their babies, both of whom had been diagnosed with Trisomy 18, to term.

Royce and Susan welcomed baby Gabriella into their lives on Saturday, July 5th. She has defied the medical community's odds in many ways....by making it to term, by surviving birth, and by now, surviving for two weeks. Royce and Susan were able to bring their precious pink bundle of joy home after just a couple days in the hospital. However, Gabriella is now having episodes where she stops breathing...resulting from her brain not telling her body to breathe....and these episodes are occurring more and more frequently. As you can imagine, this has been a very difficult time for Gabriella's family (she has a big brother and a big sister, too!), but they are such a testimony to God's strength as they share how much they are enjoying their short time with Gabriella here on earth. As Royce has said, she is "sprouting her angel wings" as heaven prepares a place for her.

Greg and Shelly, who have three older children, gave birth to their fourth child, Noah James, on Friday the 18th. Unfortunately, they are familiar with our pain, as their son was not born alive. They are now back home together, healing, grieving, and feeling empty. Hearing of their feelings instantly takes us back to the sheer rawness of emotion that occurs in the hours and days after telling your baby good-bye. And it breaks our hearts.

We are amazed at how, even though we have not spent much time with these families, we have felt instantly bonded with them as a result of the shared experience of carrying terminally ill babies first in our wombs and subsequently, in our hearts. We ask that you would say a prayer for these two families and thank you, in advance, for doing so.

Sparkles and Carl

We have been especially touched by a gesture that some friends of ours, Doug and Polly, made for Connor and Kylee. They wanted to offer each of the kids "something to hold", in Polly's words, that would remind them of their baby brother. We were very touched.

Our friends funded a trip to Build-A-Bear for our kids. Connor and Kylee each picked out a bear that would remind them of Caden. Connor picked "Carl" and Kylee picked "Sparkles". We have been encouraged to take pictures of things that we do to memorialize Caden, so we snapped some photos of this excursion.

This was such a great gift and we have been truly inspired by it. It was so fun to watch the kids enjoy picking something out and then dressing their bears with love...I have to admit that throughout this adventure, I had a lump in my throat....remembering our youngest and wishing that the kids could love on him directly instead of choosing something to hug in his absence.

The opportunity to do something specifically for Connor and Kylee was wonderful. In trying to meet the needs of ourselves and, of course, Caden, I have often found a huge need to make sure Connor and Kylee's emotional needs are met, too....but that can be difficult when my own emotional and physical energy is low. This was a wonderful way to do something just for THEM, as Caden's siblings. Just as it is important to remember big brother or sister when a new baby comes to the house, it is also important to remember siblings in a time of loss. We were grateful for the opportunity to do this with our children.

Thanks, Doug and Polly!

Welcome Home!

Good Morning!

We took off this weekend for a spur of the moment trip to St. Louis. My sister Sarah had some hotel points built up and she let us cash them in for a couple nights at a hotel (thanks, sis!), so The Carlson Crew was off and running (nothing gets us moving quite as quickly as something that is FREE!!!). We had a great time visiting the St. Louis Zoo and the City Museum. We got home late last night and will spend today in recovery mode...although Brandon had to go back to work like a real grown-up today, so Connor, Kylee, and I will enjoy recovery mode on his behalf. :)

It was really great to get away for a couple nights. I have to admit, however, that I was a little surprised by how much I missed Caden on our trip! Even though he never got to travel with us outside of my belly, we had gotten kind of used to having him along wherever we went. I missed that this time around. At the zoo, we (of course!), ran into two young mothers who were pushing newborn babies around. Seeing their babies' little feet peeking out of their strollers made my heart ache. Our experience makes me want to stop folks with newborn babies and just let them know how fortunate they are to have those tiny feet in their lives....

When we arrived home, we had some cards waiting for us. We read all of them and continue to be overwhelmed by all the folks who have extended their love and prayers to us. There was one card, though, that stood out to me last night...it says, quite simply..."Long before we're ready, we sadly say goodbye. But there are those, in a far more beautiful place, who are saying "Welcome Home." I thought this was exceptionally beautiful, and it caused me to stop and reflect on what our little Caden is up to right now and who might be saying "Welcome Home" to him....

Caden had two Grandmas waiting for him in heaven. My mother, Beth, and my grandmother, Elinor. I know they were standing there waiting for him when he arrived. Caden also has a Great Aunt, Mary...Brandon's mother's sister, who has received him with open arms. Caden has some smaller friends...other infants who were applauding his heavenly birth....Jael, Gianna, Jayke, Jeffrey, Danny....and he has friends who will be coming up to join him in God's time....Gabriella, Noah.....thinking of all these angels warms my heart. And let's not forget, Caden has a dog, Winnie, licking his face and probably stealing food right off of his heavenly plate. :)

We have received a great deal of comfort from families who have walked through this valley previously, and I am realizing that maybe another benefit of getting to know these amazing people is so that we can have a glimpse of who Caden is spending his time with in Christ's mansion. Doesn't every parent want to know a little about their children's friends? I am getting that privilege, even though my baby isn't here. And it is incredible. So many wonderful people, both big and small, saying "Welcome Home!" to our little man.

I am so grateful to know that Caden is surrounded by such love and hope. Selfishly, I pray that he will find some time to come and peek in on us every now and then...I am so grateful for our little angel...and all of his friends.

Some day, we will get to see our son again. I look forward to the day I get to hug him and hear him say "Welcome Home, Mom!".

Checking In...

We have been blessed with many visitors this week, and have also appreciated your phone calls, e-mails, and cards sent through the mail...all letting us know that you are thinking of us and continuing to pray. Thank you so much.

I have had really good moments, and really rough moments...which I know is to be expected. There are moments when I absolutely cannot stop the tears, and then moments when I get a glimpse of the peace that has eluded us since our diagnosis.

Brandon called our neonatologist, Dr. Hall, earlier this week. He was very reassuring to us. He said that he, too, was surprised that Caden wasn't born alive, and he intended to do some research on our situation to see if he could glean some answers about what might have happened. At this point, his best guess was that perhaps Caden got caught up in his cord. He did warn us that there might not be much data out there for him given that most people in our situation choose to end the pregnancy shortly after diagnosis. We shall see. We are fully prepared to not ever have an answer, but Dr. Hall's affirmation that the decisions we made were sound and provided our baby with the best chance possible is valuable to us.

Speaking of Brandon, he has had a good week at work, so thank you all for your prayers. He has felt blessed by everyone's response to him being back in the office. While his motivation level is still a bit low (understandably so), people have been very understanding and accepting, and he has found it helpful to have other things to focus on.

It has been hard for me to ride herd on the kids by myself. I am finding that my hormones are still fluctuating quite a bit, and my energy levels are fairly low by the end of the day (which is probably nothing new, but the exhaustion runs a bit deeper after all this, I guess). I think that the last 3 months, in many ways, is beginning to catch up with me. The kids have been excellent. We try to get out for at least a couple hours each day, which helps all of us quite a bit. I am sleeping very well at night, which makes a huge difference in how I am able to cope with things throughout the day. Physically, I am doing much better, so thank you all for your prayers for that, too.

A couple nights ago, I got the brilliant idea that we should watch our video of Caden's birth. My sister had taped it for us at our request, and I wanted to see what had been captured. Bad idea. We sat and watched it together, and it was as horrific as I remember it being. I have since reflected on that morning and realize that I felt completely forsaken at the moment we realized Caden's spirit had left his body. While I had hoped that the moment that Caden was born would be a peaceful one, instead, I felt that God had abandoned us as I looked at my lifeless son laying on my chest. I struggle with this because I do believe that God does not ever forsake us, but I question His purpose in that moment in particular. What would it have mattered to Him to give us just a few minutes with our son alive? Was He saving Caden from pain? What was the plan? We will never know. It is a tough one to reconcile.

I am hungry for God's presence...and yet, I feel a sense of resentment towards Him as I reflect on Caden's birth. I long to feel God's arms around me. I want to crawl up on His lap and sob. I want to feel joy in the truest sense again....I want to make it through a day without crying, but I also want the memory of my son to stay as fresh as it is today....

I have contacted an infant loss support group leader and we plan to attend a meeting next month. I am hopeful that will be a good resource for us as we continue to work through our grief. We have found great comfort in talking with other parents who have experienced loss, so hopefully attending the support group will be an extension of that.

Speaking of memories of our son, some of you have asked about our Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (NILMDTS) pictures...we did have them taken, and we are hopeful that we will get them in the next week or two. We will certainly share them as we are able. We are both really looking forward to seeing them, and yet, dreading it all at the same time. I break out sobbing just looking at the NILMDTS website...I can only imagine how I will feel when that precious baby in the picture is ours.

We thank you so much for continuing to support us through prayer and in so many other ways. We are so grateful.

Images of Our Precious One

We have received many pictures from our family members and just had to share some of them with you. What overwhelms me most about these pictures is not just how beautiful our precious Caden was, but also, the love that you see in his family's faces as they gaze at him. Our hospital room was so filled with love on June 30th, and the support we felt from our families both before and since Caden went to heaven has been, in a word, remarkable. We are forever grateful for the way in which our kin embraced our son, figuratively and literally. In most of these pictures, Caden is wrapped in a blanket that was made by his Great Granny Loretta.

Here you go:

Mommy and Son...I want to remember forever how soft his little head felt under my fingers...

Daddy's turn. There's just something about seeing an infant nestled in his father's big, strong arms...

Grandma and Grandpa Carlson...

And Grandpa and Grandma McKinney....

Here is Caden with Aunt Sarah, one after which he was named....

And, Uncle Jordan....

And, I can't sign off without one more picture of his AMAZING head of hair...

Sleep tight, precious angel.

Back to Reality...

Good Afternoon!

We are all sitting together here in our family room, eating some snacks and staring at the TV. This has become a bit routine for us this week, and I have to say, I don't mind it. We just got home from taking the kids for a swim at the local Community Center (well, the three of them swam and I sat on the side of the pool). It was so fun to watch Connor and Kylee try new things in the water, and it is always a joy to watch Brandon interact with the kids.

Aaron and Rachel (Brandon's parents) left on Thursday afternoon, and it was a bit strange having the house to ourselves again. I was nervous about how that might go...would not having extra people in the house magnify our sadness? While it was tough to see them go, we have enjoyed our time together at home....and although we have often commented on how much we miss our baby, this time of healing together as a family has been just what we needed.

Physically, this has been a tough week for me. As many of you know, a woman's body doesn't know whether or not the baby she's carried for 8 months survives or not, so I have dealt with all the typical discomforts of the postpartum period. Yesterday and today have been much better, which is a welcome relief. I have often struggled with the fact that my body is almost literally crying out for my baby, much in the same way my soul longs for little Caden.

And speaking of matters of the soul, I have also found myself grappling with the "what-ifs" surrounding Caden's birth. Not getting any time with him alive has been the thing we're both struggling with most. And then, as is so much my nature, I ask "What did I do wrong?" "If we had chosen a different path, would he have survived?" "Did we induce too soon?" Medically speaking, I know what the answer is, but as the mother of this precious baby, my heart wanders through these very dark tunnels. It is almost too easy to question decisions when one knows exactly how the story will end (you know, hindsight is 20/20)...which, of course, we didn't know until a week ago. My husband offers me great reassurance by pointing out that we made the best decision we could make with the information we had at the time. And he is right. We did the best we could. I must confess that it makes me angry to feel even the slightest guilt about our decision. The last three months have been the most painful in our family's history...if you go through that, shouldn't you get to walk away guilt-free? I think that not having answers about why Caden was stillborn is going to be more difficult than maybe I had imagined it would be.

And in the name of healing, Brandon will go back to work tomorrow. He is dreading it. He wonders how people will handle him...and is a bit fearful, I think, of people asking dumb questions or saying dumb things....but he knows, in his heart, that everyone means well. I am hopeful that it will be easier than he's thinking it will be, as anticipation is often worse than just diving in. If you think of it, please say a prayer for him. I think this is one situation where he might be grateful for the depersonalized environment of corporate America. :)

Connor and Kylee have handled all of this like true champions. They have been happy and full of life, which is just what their Mommy and Daddy need right now. They haven't said much about Caden...I am guessing that perhaps the questions will come later. We are so grateful that they appear to be coping with everything so well. Thank you all so much for your prayers for them. They have LOVED celebrating the fourth of July...Connor was totally into lighting the fireworks and watching them illuminate the sky, and Kylee, while a bit afraid of the noise, had a pretty good fourth, too.

One foot in front of the other, one step at a time...

Hour By Hour...

Good Morning. Brandon has done such a great job keeping things updated, but I have missed you all and wanted to take a turn. :)

I am feeling up to writing a bit...almost feeling as if I need to purge....you all have been such a receptive community and for that, we thank you. You have loved our precious baby Caden right along with us....

Although I knew that these days would be difficult, I had no idea just how painful they would be. My heart literally aches, and the tears burn in my eyes almost constantly. My body mourns the loss of our son, also....cramps, pains, tenderness....they all serve as a reminder that Caden is no longer inside of me. To ask a mother to tell her infant goodbye...it seems unreal to me, as I know it does to many of you. It just isn't nature's order, and although I know that God is sovereign, I can't help but question this call.

I hadn't realized how desperately I wanted Caden to be born alive. I am grappling with why God didn't allow us at least a few moments before He brought Caden to be with Him. I already know that I will probably NEVER get a reason why. I won't lie and tell you that I am okay with that. I simply am not. The look on Brandon's face when the Doctor told us Caden wasn't alive is one that won't soon be erased from my memory.

I wish I could convey to you how BEAUTIFUL Caden looked. His hair was my favorite part of him...a gorgeous color and absolutely silky soft. His little head was perfectly shaped, and his skin, although cold, was truly baby soft. His eyes were closed so peacefully, yet opening them revealed the deepest blue color you could ever imagine. His fingers were long, slender, and delicate. His little feet were also perfectly formed, with one little toe on his left foot that stuck up just a bit.

It was simply amazing to watch our family members embrace our little man. They held him so tenderly, with love reflected in their faces. It didn't matter that Caden's spirit wasn't inside his body...they showered him with love and acceptance and marveled right along with us at how perfect he was. Connor and Kylee each took turns holding him...how painful to realize that he will never get to run and play with them, but I know that he is watching over them from above. Connor really wanted to dress Caden, and carefully laid out and folded the onesie we had brought...he and Brandon worked together to get the littlest Carlson all dressed up. Now the onesie is in Caden's memory box, a true treasure.

Brandon and I were allowed some very precious time alone with Caden as well. We curled up in bed together, just the three of us, and we stroked his soft head and inhaled his faint baby scent before laying him in the basket for the last time. We knew, in those moments, that our struggles over the last three months had been worth it.

We went to the funeral home yesterday and that was a total nightmare. I know it's their job, but getting a sales pitch about purchasing family burial space just wasn't what we needed. We signed all the paperwork, and paid a bill that I had never fathomed paying...for the cremation of our precious son. Looking at his death certificate and seeing that the "never married" and "never employed" boxes were checked brought a great deal of pain, but I have to remind myself that such earthly pleasures are far beneath the splendor of heaven that Caden is experiencing right now. We picked out an urn that is a little teddy bear, and Alexandra's House will cover the cost of that for us as they assist us in memorializing our son. They offered us one last chance to see Caden, but we opted not to. A difficult decision, but we decided that the image of him resting peacefully in the white basket (the picture posted on our earlier blog), is the one we want to carry with us.

Looking at pictures of him is still so painful. I know that eventually, these momentos will bring me a great deal of comfort, but for now, they are symbols of something that has been lost. I talked with another Mom who has experienced infant loss, and she said "you just have to get through this, hour by hour." She's right. There's no way out but through it.

The day I left the hospital, it was bright and sunny out. As she wheeled me outside, the nurse said, "At least it could be rainy. That would be more appropriate, wouldn't it?" I don't know that I actually responded to her, but inside I thought, "No. My baby boy knows I need the sunshine on my face today."

Today is a rainy day. I guess God is crying with us.

Miracle of the Moment

We came across a song a few weeks ago that really spoke to us, and we wanted to share it with you. Steven Curtis Chapman simply has a way with words, and "Miracle of the Moment" is no exception:

Our Angel Baby

We're back at home now, and settling in. We are blessed to have grandparents here to ride herd on the kiddos so we can sleep and/or rest.

For those of you who want a few more details about what happened, here you go. Lindsey woke up around 4:30am wanting to be re-situated on the bed. The nurse checked her and found that she was a "6", so we figured it was go-time. We made a few phone calls to people who were to be present for Caden's grand entrance while the nurse shifted Lindsey. Just a few minutes later, she checked Lindsey again and saw that she was a "10" and ready to go. Obviously, this was incredibly fast, and we were all caught off guard. The nurses hurriedly began to prep her for delivery, and the doctor -- who lived about an hour away, so she had stayed on the floor overnight -- was called in. The wonderful perinatologist who would evaluate Caden was paged.

When the doctor came in, she took one look at Lindsey and knew she was ready to go RIGHT NOW. Lindsey asked if we could wait to let people get to the hospital, but the doctor said waiting wasn't an option. About a minute later, almost before we were even ready and without Lindsey even pushing, Caden joined us. He never drew a single breath.

He weighed 3 pounds 2 ounces, and was 15 inches long. He looked totally peaceful, with a face that resembles his brother and sister's and a fair amount of reddish-blonde hair. Despite all that we had been told about how he might appear due to the lack of fluid present, he was beautiful. Our precious little angel. Above is a picture of Caden in a basket that the hospital allowed us to use while we were there.

Thank you all for your loving prayers and support. We would not have been able to get through this without all of you! To see all those comments and visits on the blog is to know that we are loved by many, many people, and that is priceless to us. We will take the next few days to gather ourselves together and attempt to re-establish a new 'normal' pattern of life. In lieu of flowers or memorials, we are considering a few options for donations, and will post more information when we make a decision.

Thank you all for bearing this burden with us, and for lifting us up daily. We can feel that when our strength is gone, yours holds us up, and your prayers sustain us.

It Was Over Before It Began

Hard labor began around 1:30. We walked a few laps around the unit, then sat for a bit, then called for the epidural. After a couple hours of rest, Lindsey woke up at around 4:30. The nurse checked her and realized it was TIME. We made some quick phone calls to have people head to the hospital as they prepped her, but only moments later, Caden Adair was brought into this world. His spirit had already left his body, taking everyone by surprise. I guess he couldn't wait to go meet Jesus.

Thank you for your prayers.

Please continue, but for a different reason now...

Nighty-Nite!

Everything has been done that can be done at this point, so we're going to try to get some rest. If we wake up in the middle of the night for the festivities, I'll post again (if time allows); if not, I'll catch you all up in the morning. Thank you again for your thoughts, prayers, and well wishes! We appreciate how so many of you are walking this road with us!

Good night!

Evening Update

Well, we're still here, and still percolating. We've had to readjust our thinking (obviously), and are starting to settle in for the night. The doctor is supposed to come back at around 9:30 and administer the next phase of the chemical concoction, which is supposed to kick things into gear in a relative hurry. So, we may be having a looooong night tonight! Of course, no one really knows how long things will take, so we may still be here on Thursday...

Seriously, though, thank you all for your prayers and support! We cannot express enough to you how reassuring it is to know that you are all pulling for us! We will continue to post updates for as long as we are awake (and not otherwise occupied), so if any of you want to come along on our journey real-time, you're welcome to do that!

Thank you again - we'll keep you posted!

Still Here...

Not a whole lot has changed since the last post - we're just waiting for the chemical concoction to take effect and start labor. It's normal, though, for it to take a few hours to start working. Lindsey was allowed to eat lunch, which was a mixed blessing - it's good that she got to eat and drink, but it also means that labor isn't imminent quite yet.

*sigh*

She's out walking around the floor now, to try to get things rolling along. Same prayer request of the moment as last time. :)

And We're Off!!!

We're here in the hospital now, and Lindsey is all hooked up. We're listening to little Caden's heartbeat on the monitor and watching When Harry Met Sally. The doctors think it will be at least 12 hours before Lindsey goes into hard labor, but she labored for a total of 12 hours with each of our other two, so we're hoping for much sooner.

Now comes the final stage of waiting...

Prayer request of the moment:
We really don't want this to drag out any longer than it has to, so please pray that labor comes sooner rather than later.

Thursday Evening

Hello Again!

Today has had its ups and downs...it has been brightened by your wonderful comments on my previous post. It is especially fun to hear from some of you Jewell folks (hello, Link and Nan!) that I haven't had contact with in quite awhile. Thank you, also, to our readers, Kylee and Michelle...however you've found us, we're glad you did. And to all of you who read but do not leave comments, we appreciate you stopping by.

I have been dealing with some anger today...anticipating Sunday, wondering how things are going to play out....and resolving that it is just plain frustrating that we have absolutely NO CONTROL over what is going to happen.

In the midst of this, my husband has shared some Scripture with me. I am glad that he is spending time in the Word, because honestly, I haven't been able to pick my Bible up for a very long time. Not because I don't think that I should....but because I just can't. People have sent so many verses to me, each of which has touched me, so I am appreciative of those opportunities to examine Scripture. Brandon has been especially struck by the story of Abraham sacrificing his son, Issac...an eery parallel to what he is experiencing as Caden's father. We say that we are hopeful we find our own lamb soon. :) Brandon has also shared Christ's words to his Disciples before His arrest in John Chapter 14. I am so grateful for his perspective and spiritual leadership right now.

Reading Scripture, while comforting, also reminds me that God does ask His followers to do things that are HARD. He sacrificed His only Son....and it appears He is asking us to make a similar sacrifice. Ugh. I spoke to Jennifer, who lost her baby girl about a year and a half ago, and she described preparing to deliver her daughter and feeling very humbled. That is a great way to describe how I am feeling. Completely humbled. Because I know there is absolutely NO WAY I am going to survive this without God. I am powerless do to anything but the best I can do. Which, I suppose, is how I should view all of my life as a child of His...but this situation really brings it home, and I have to admit, humility is hard.

Anyway, it has come to me that perhaps I need to ask you all, our faithful prayer warriors, to lift us up in specific ways over the next few days. Please allow me to share:

-Please pray for my labor. I am scared to death that it will drag on and on...serving to make me even more crazy than I already am. Please pray that things move quickly and smoothly with that.

-Please pray for Brandon as he supports me at the hospital and grieves our son as only a father can.

-Please pray for Connor and Kylee. Kylee has had a couple of rough days...acting out, throwing things, screaming, tearing things apart...not typical of her, and I know it is a response to the tension around here. She came up to me last night and said "Mommy, I am going to miss our baby". I pulled her up on my lap and we had a good cry together. Connor appears to be doing well, but I know this weekend will be hard for him, too. Please pray for them as they grieve in their own special way for their little brother.

-Please pray for Caden...that if it be God's will, He might be healed....and if not, that we will get to enjoy at least a few moments with him alive. We are asking for a miracle....either that our son will live, or that somehow, we will have peace in the moment that we tell him goodbye.

-Please pray for our family as they support us through this weekend. They are experiencing a loss, too, and yet, are being available to us. We are so thankful.

And lastly, it is our prayer that somehow, this is reaching someone that needs to hear our story right now...maybe because they are experiencing loss of a similar kind...or maybe for another reason we can't even imagine.

Thank you all. Rest well tonight.

Thank You

Good Afternoon!

It has been an eventful day here at the Carlson home. Patti from Alexandra's House came by to drop off some scrapbooking materials and an outfit for our little man, and Jan, our wonderful friend and my co-worker, brought Kylee and I some lunch to eat. Both of these women took time to pray with me, which is just what I needed today.

We have been surrounded by prayer this week, from those who are near, and those who are many miles away. Our prayer team from church came and prayed with us on Monday evening, and then on Tuesday, our new pastor from North Star, the Children's Ministry coordinator, and the interim Pastor that has filled in as the leader for our congregation in between time came and prayed with me. What a blessing these prayers have been.

This morning, I was overwhelmed by the need to say "thank you" to so many of you. I found myself getting choked up when I stopped to reflect on just how much you all have done for us. So, I will start here, and probably summarize more than I should, but hopefully, you know how heartfelt our gratitude is.

First of all, I want to thank our friends. To Becca, who has called almost daily just to check in on me....to Trena, Jeana, Kirsten, Debbie, and Jaymie, who have helped me to laugh and have brightened my days with beautiful flowers, cards, and regular e-mails.....to Heather, who has freely shared her own experience with loss and encouraged me to think and feel in the way that is right for ME....to Dana and Jennifer, who have prayed for Caden each and every day, as have many of you....to Robyn, whose words, in person, on the phone, in a card, and on her blog, continue to impact me in a way that few do....thank you.

To Paula, for sending cards on a weekly basis and for reminding me that is it okay to question and wonder why....thank you.

To my colleagues at William Jewell College, who brought meals, picked up slack with my courses, and have asked no more of me than I was willing to give at any moment and have been completely understanding and supportive....to Wanda, who has so willingly allowed me to draw strength and encouragement from her own painful experience with infant loss....thank you. You ladies exemplify what the heart and soul of nursing is all about and I am honored to be on your team.

To Jan...how can parents express what the precious glimpses of our son mean to us and will mean to us in the months to come? For meeting us on evenings and weekends, for enduring painful hand cramps as you hold the transducer perfectly still so we could watch Caden play, for your spirit of grace and unconditional love, both for us and for our son...for bringing us a peace that only you can provide, and for treasuring Caden's life right along with us....thank you.

To our church....for putting us on the prayer list three months ago and leaving us there each week...for all the hugs and concern....for the prayer shawl (thank you, Kay)....for being Christ's arms around us as we've walked through this valley....and particularly to our small group, the (not so) Young Adults....for the endless offers of help, meals, cards, and for the laughter on Tuesday evenings....thank you.

To Caden's grandparents....our kids are so blessed to have you in their lives. Thank you for loving and praying for each of them since before they were conceived. Your constant encouragement and support is something we simply couldn't do without. Thank you for instilling within us the importance of following God's will in our lives, even when it isn't easy. Knowing that Connor and Kylee will be taken care of this weekend is something that we are beyond grateful for...and we know that, for however brief a time, Caden will get to experience your love and affection this weekend, too. Thanks for putting your own emotions aside to be strong for us. We know it hasn't been easy. We are praying for you throughout this time, too. :) Thank you, thank you.

To Caden's Aunts and Uncles....this little man is lucky to have you in his life....thank you for checking in so often, whether from Overland Park or from North Carolina...and for supporting us so faithfully through prayer.

To Jennifer A., Jennifer S., Hope, Laurie in CA, Renee, Patti, Susan, and Shelly....thank you so much for checking in on us....we are so sorry that many of you have had to walk through this valley before or are walking through it now with us....and we are grateful for those of you who just plain have a heart for those of us who have to surrender our little ones after such a short time with them. Some of you we will never meet face to face, but your words serve as such an encouragement to us. Thank you for sharing your own pain and loss and for offering us a glimpse of the healing and recovery that can follow such utter devastation....we are so grateful.

To our precious little ones, Connor and Kylee....for being the very spirit of Christ in our midst....for being the reason that I get up every morning and find the strength to move forward....for exemplifying childlike faith....for knowing that we're not going to get to bring our baby home and for still kissing my belly and drawing him pictures, anyway....for sitting on my lap and sharing my tears when Mommy just needs to cry....for having so much love to give and for giving it so freely....for reminding us that everything God creates is perfect....thank you.

To my husband....thank you for holding me, crying with me, and for being the only other soul in this world that can connect with our son as a parent. Your presence is a great comfort to me. Your steadfastness is the foundation of our family, and your strong desire to follow God's will in ALL circumstances is simply amazing. I would not want to go through this with anyone but you by my side...and for your hurt, I am sorry. Thank you for all the ways in which you have taken care of me physically...helping around the house, chasing the kids when my energy runs out, cooking meals, never-ending Wal-Mart runs....and most importantly, thank you for always being willing to take care of me emotionally, too. I am so blessed to be married to my best friend and the greatest father in the universe, be that for our children here on this earth or for the one that may be looking down on us from heaven....thank you for being you and for loving me.

And lastly, to our precious Caden....thank you, well, for being you. Thank you for kicking and for defying the odds to live long enough to make it this far....I don't know why God is calling you to come home with Him so soon, but I trust that it is because you possess something very special....you have been called to fulfill His purpose in an incredible way. If it is His will to call you home, thanks for watching over all of us and for being our very special little angel. We are forever grateful for your presence, however brief, in our lives...and for forever, in our hearts.

And to you, our reader...thank you for caring enough to check in. We are truly overwhelmed by your support and love.

Tuesday Morning

Today is a big day in my life. Let me preface this post by saying that I am a CLEAN FREAK. Before children, I couldn't leave the house without every pillow being in place and everything being JUST SO (which is also why I am NEVER on time anywhere). I once spent my spring break during my Master's program scrubbing the ENTIRE house down (walls included...and, just for the record, this is when we lived in a much smaller home). After children, I have had to mellow out a bit. I have progressed from every pillow being in place to just being happy if there isn't pee splattered all over my bathroom before we leave the house. But I still fight my OCD about having floors and counter tops pristine. For quite some time, I told myself that I was just being a good wife and mother, but now I realize that neither Brandon nor the children care in the least about man-eating dust bunnies accumulating in our corners, so I have had to accept and acknowledge that I alone derive a great deal of inner peace from how our home is maintained.

As with many psychological issues, I can trace this tendency back to my childhood, where EVERY Sunday, we cleaned the house from top to bottom (most Sundays, we did this instead of going to church, which shows you the priority placed on cleanliness in our home...oops). My mother was the "white glove test" guru. Every nook, every cranny, was scrubbed. I grew up with this, so it is a priority I have carried with me into my own home (although we are very careful about putting Jesus first in our lives and I do the cleaning throughout the week so we can go to church together on Sunday). I LOVE the smell of a clean house (I do have a strange affinity for the smell of bleach)...I adore glistening faucets and clean mirrors. Vacuumed carpets are one of my favorite things...

Now, please know that I do not carry this tendency into other people's homes. I don't care about other people's man-eating dust bunnies, and pee splattered everywhere in someone else's bathroom doesn't phase me in the least. So please don't think I am critiquing your home in any way. I am relatively blind to any filth but my own.

So, knowing this about me, you will understand that a big item on the to-do list for this week was to get the house cleaned. It is a big deal for me...I like things done a certain way and have those particular spots that make me especially happy when I know they are clean. I am a control freak about it. But today, Molly Maids will be coming to clean my house. It is a big moment.

This is big on many levels...I haven't ever wanted to hire someone to clean because 1.) I am a complete cheapskate, 2.) I would be irate if I paid all that money and then found an area that wasn't clean (or, in other words, I am convinced that I can clean better than they can), 3.) What we will pay for a cleaning would allow us about 5 meals out and I loathe cooking, and 4.) I think that being home means it is MY job to clean...and therefore asking someone else to do it is shirking my responsibilities.

This experience has allowed me to get over that. Almost everything is uncomfortable now, and for the first time, I am LETTING IT GO and realizing that I shouldn't be scrubbing the bathroom floor on my hands and knees right now. I am doing ENOUGH. I am ENTITLED to some help.

This is revolutionary for me, folks. An experience like this lends itself to many new ventures. Just being able to acknowledge that it's OKAY to have some help is a big step. Having to ask for help does not come naturally to me...but I am learning that we MUST lean on others...thankfully we don't have to pay friends and family for their help like we do Molly Maids. :) This is how Christ intended it to be. We cannot wait to give back to all of you, but understand right now, our job is to RECEIVE. And thank you for giving us so much.

Thank you, precious Caden, for helping us to learn so many new things about ourselves. We love you so much.