Hints for Healing: Trying Again

Brandon and I have both felt compelled to do better about updating this blog more regularly.  God has really been tugging at our hearts, letting us know that we need to be doing more to encourage and support the families we serve through Caden's Cubs.  We also want to support others who may have found this blog by Googling everything possible to try to make sense of a terminal diagnosis or loss of a child as we did following our diagnosis with Caden.

So, as a way to begin this effort, we thought we would post a series of blogs dealing with ways that we have personally found healing after our loss.  I will post some and so will Brandon, because, as we all know, men and women grieve and heal differently.  Some of these things may work for you, others may not.  What we do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is that everyone walks the journey to healing in their own way.  What we also believe to be true is that it is better not to walk the journey alone.  Although others mean well, we have found that the best encouragers, for us, are those who have had similiar experiences with loss.  Because there is nothing....NOTHING....that compares to losing a child.

I write this first post to you two days before Hadley's birthday, so it seems natural to begin an outline of our journey towards healing with her.

If you have experienced the loss of a child, you know that people (very well-meaning people), say REALLY dumb things in an attempt to console you.  During our pregnancy with Caden, there were several people who, in the spirit of encouragement, said things like "Don't worry, you can always try again", or, "At least you have two healthy children already".

These things were not helpful.

As I carried Caden, it took every ounce of my energy to cope with my thoughts and feelings surrounding the comprehension of not getting to bring our baby home.  The roller coaster ride was unending.  I'd find a small spark of joy just in time for my next Doctor's appointment, which would bring me crashing back down to the reality of what we faced.  It was miserable.  We were so grateful for Connor and Kylee, of course, but we wanted Caden with us, too.  Not another baby.  Caden.

I distinctly remember at one of my last Doctor's appointments, the Doctor looked at me and said "give yourself a month or so after delivery and then you can start trying again".  I felt like she was saying "This one is messed up, but that doesn't mean you can't get it right the next time".  Ouch.  I felt that it was disrespectful to Caden to even think about another baby.  I had to give him my all.

But I did wonder.  I wondered if we'd have the strength to try again.  To put ourselves out there and risk another loss.  A very wise mentor of mine, who lost her daughter to Potter's Syndrome, advised me..."don't try again unless you know you could go through the same thing all over again".  Her words shocked me.  Surely, if you went through something this awful once, it made you exempt from future trials and losses.  Surely it did.

One thing you learn as you move through an experience like this is that God's concept of "fair" may not be our concept of fair.  Therefore, our ideas about what we should be asked to endure are just that....ideas.  The reality can be much different.  Another thing you learn is that no matter what you encounter, God is there with you and His ability to sustain you, even when you are teetering on the edge of despair, is nothing short of incredible.

The moment I gave birth to Caden, I knew that I wanted to try again.  No matter what that meant.  No matter how many losses we'd endure, or how long it took, I had to try.  While it was absolutely beautiful to meet our baby boy, I couldn't have that silent birth be my last memory of childbirth.  Seeing the Doctor's face as she said "I'm so sorry, but I can't feel a heartbeat".  The look on Brandon's face when we realized that our hopes and dreams of just a few minutes with our boy while he was alive had been dashed.  Calling our family to say "Don't rush here, just come when you can.  He's not alive."  That couldn't be the last chapter in our book of having babies.

I knew it.

While I knew it, I still wondered what was the "right" way to go about it.  Should we wait a year?  I felt like we needed to give Caden his due time and acknowledgement.  If I got pregnant again, would we remember Caden in the way that we wanted to?  Would people think we were trying to replace him?  What is something went wrong?  Could we handle it emotionally, knowing what we knew now about how these stories can end and hearing so many stories from others who had experienced devastating losses at different points in their pregnancies?  Could I handle it physically?  What about Connor and Kylee?  What about our friends and family, who had endured this loss right along with us.  Was it fair to ask them to hope and pray for us again?

We contemplated.  I was ready.  Brandon was a lot more hesitant than I was.  I will let him explain that in his portion of this series.  Being a man of logic, the numbers were important to him.  The genetic counselor had told us that what had happened with Caden was a "fluke"...that there was no reason to think that it would happen again.  But we knew that a fluke could occur at any time, and probably didn't have much concern about striking twice in the same place.  It was hard.  I was also frightened that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant.  We knew of families who had lost their babies and had tried for years to have another baby with no success.  I couldn't bear the thought of wanting something so badly and not being able to have it.  We'd never had trouble conceiving before, but I knew that there were no guarantees in this business.  That thought was more frightening to me than almost any other.  What if God said "no"?  Could I be content?

My midwife offered me birth control.  I took the prescription for the pills, knowing that I would never go to the pharmacy to fill it.  Brandon was okay with that.  A couple months after Caden was born, he gave me roses...2 red (Connor and Kylee) and one white (Caden).  The card said something to the effect of "let's try again".  We were like-minded.  We believed that experiencing a loss hadn't changed our fundamental desire for another child.  We prepared to begin another journey, not knowing where the road would lead us.

One morning in early November, just over four months after having Caden, I took a pregnancy test.  Brandon was at work.  I hopped in the shower while the stick worked its magic.  The entire time I was showering, I prayed that God would give me the strength to accept whatever the results were, knowing that I would need colossal strength with either result.

I stepped out of the shower, dried off, and wrapped my hair up in the towel.  I felt incredibly calm.  I peeked at the bathroom counter.  I took one step closer.  My heartbeat accelerated.

There were two pink lines.  One dark, one faint.

I collapsed on the bathroom floor on my knees, tears streaming down my face, saying "Thank you, Lord.  Thank you."  I knew that regardless of the outcome, the opportunity to create another life was precious.  God said "yes!".

I was elated.  I think I enjoyed the feeling for at least 3 hours before I started worrying.

More on that to come.

Caden's Cubs Now on Facebook!

Hello, everyone!  In an effort to increase our networking with other folks and organizations with similar goals and experiences as ours, we've recently joined the masses on Facebook.  You should be able to find us simply by going to Facebook and searching on "Caden's Cubs".  If I've got everything set up correctly, all of our blog posts from now on should automatically be posted up on our Facebook page, too.  Please let us know if you notice any problems with all of this.  Otherwise, feel free to stop by either location!

Almost 2 Years...

It is incredible to me that Caden looks like he's just sleeping in this picture.  This was the picture that Brandon took just seconds before we walked out of the hospital, leaving our precious angel behind in a little white basket. 

It has been almost two years since we held our baby in our arms.

June is always a difficult month.  The anniversary of my mother's death is on June 9th...and then we begin replaying the mess of emotions that we felt in 2008 in the month of June, culminating with Caden's Heaven Day on June 30th.

I distinctly remember coming home from the Doctor's appointment where we scheduled my induction.  I thought it was a great cosmic injustice that choosing an induction date was synonymous with choosing the day we'd say goodbye to our boy.

Two years ago tonight, we were preparing to go to the hospital.  Last minute arrangements were taking place...small details tended to so that when we came home with empty arms, we'd have nothing to concentrate on but healing.  In the days before Caden was born, I remember going to the store to buy a sportsbra that I could wear to help reduce the pain from engorgement I'd experience after Caden was born.  Brandon went and bought a black shirt to wear in our Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep pictures.  Instead of picking out "I'm A Big Brother" and "I'm a Big Sister" shirts, we selected dark shirts for Connor and Kylee to wear, so that our pictures would look good.  I would have given anything to be buying new blankets, or Dreft, or binkies, or diapers.  But no.  It was all so bleak.  Planning for death at the same moment we anticipated birth.

Looking back, I wish that I'd spent more time rubbing my belly.  Feeling Caden move.  In the moment, I was so exhausted and emotionally spent that laying awake at night was frustrating.  I tried to treasure each and every flutter, praying that everything would be okay.  Begging God to let us have time with our son...the precious life I felt twisting and turning inside me...and not letting go of the hope that maybe, just maybe, we could bring our baby home.

But it was not to be.

The kids have had a very difficult time with missing Caden recently.  Both have cried many tears in the last few weeks, missing their brother.  We cry right along with them.  We pray that Caden is happy up in heaven and remind each other that someday, we'll get to be with him again.  It is interesting because they aren't necessarily aware of the anniversary that is approaching, yet the energy in our house flows differently, and they perceive that.  A change in our household, that, while difficult, is one I hope will stick.  The energy will flow differently with each year that passes, but I hope we continue to reflect on Caden being a part of our family every day, and especially as June 30th approaches each year.


Our baby is forever woven into the fabric of our hearts.

So Blessed!

We have been very blessed this week!



My sister, Sarah, works with a graphic designer who generously offered to help us create some graphics for Caden's Cubs. Sarah has worked with Jeff to create a brand new logo, notecards, address labels, and a brochure that we can use to distribute our giftcards to families and spread the word about Caden's Cubs and as you can see, the result is AMAZING. We have been further blessed by Jessica Carlson's willingness to solicit a donation of printing services from her employer so Jeff and Sarah's creations could come to life on paper.


Sarah delivered the first fruits of their labor to us last weekend. We received our first batch of notecards and address labels and it was SO EXCITING to see them! We have already had the opportunity to use our new products when providing giftcards to two families this week.


We have also been blessed to receive our first monthly donors for Caden's Cubs. Some of our friends have approached us about making a monthly contribution to our ministry and began contributing regularly earlier this year. We are overwhelmed and honored at their desire to support us in honoring our son.


We are VERY excited about our new logo and wanted to share it with you here. This is the design featured on our notecards and address labels. Isn't he cute? You'll notice that on his foot, he has Connor, Kylee, and Hadley's initials.


As always, if you know of a family who might be able to utilize the services we offer through Caden's Cubs, please feel free to send us their information and we'll do the rest. If you know of anyone who would be interested in simply learning more about our ministry, we would love to share it with them.


A special THANK YOU to those of you who have made this possible. Jessica and Sarah, we are so very grateful for your willingness to share your expertise to make this all happen!

Happy Mother's Day!

We carry a special place in our hearts for those moms who have lost one of their children...and especially for those mothers who are celebrating their first Mother's Day without one of their children here with them.  Mother's Day is another holiday that has been forever changed by our experience with Caden.

Throughout today, we have found ourselves reflecting on our family, and the fact that it's been almost two years since Caden's moment in time arrived.  It strangely seems like both forever ago and just like yesterday.  Time does heal even this wound, but I don't think we'll ever get past the part where you stop and just wonder what things would have been like if Caden had joined us as a happy, healthy baby.  We miss him terribly.

We often see sayings or messages about love and loss...and, while all are very well-intentioned, there is very fine line between something that just makes you sad and something very meaningful and encouraging.  

Alexandra's House sends out Mother's Day cards to the families that have been a part of their ministry, and for us, the message the card contained took our breath away, so we wanted to share it with you.

Once upon a special day in Heaven up above,

The tiniest souls sat at God's feet, surrounded by His love.

The time was coming very soon, God said, do not be scared.

Your family awaits your arrival, now let us get prepared.

And so God looked upon these souls, in mute consideration.

He knew the life each one would live, He weighed each situation.

The souls chatted amongst themselves, and wondered who they'd be.

They knew the day grew closer; soon, they'd meet their family.

How would you like to change the world? God asked each soul in fun.

The chance to change a soul, a heart, is held by only one.

I'm going to make the world laugh, one soul said with a smile,

for laughter heals a broken heart, and helps us through each trial.

Then take with you the brightest smile, and share your laughter well.

The soul thanked God immensely, and down to earth he fell.

And I'll remind the world to sing, a sweet little soul told the Lord.

I have the gift of a beautiful voice; I can hit every note and every chord.

You'll have the gift of music then, a voice lovely and strong.

Share your gift with others, and let them hear your song.

I will show compassion, the next little soul raised her hand.

Some people only need a friend, someone to understand.

Compassion is a good thing, God said with much delight.

To you, I will give mercy.  You'll perceive wrong from right.

And so each soul shared every thought, their plans, their hopes, their dreams.

And God explained that life, it is much harder than it seems.

And as each soul began to leave in a scurry of laughter and fun,

Heaven became quiet and still, for left was only one.

Come sit with me my little child, God said with just a sigh.

Do you know how many you will touch, in a world left wondering why?

Before your life comes to an end, you will know much strife,

but you'll teach those who know you, to cherish the smallest things in life.

And some may only know you through a simple photograph,

they'll never hold you in their arms, or memorize your laugh.

Some may only know you through the words they read each day,

but you'll do something wonderful, you'll make them stop and pray.

The tiniest soul raised his head up, to touch God's firm, strong hand.

Father, I am ready for the life that you have planned.

And I will do the best I can without a word or deed,

for you Lord, are the planter, and I will be your seed.

He could already hear many praying, and although they had not seen his face,

they were praying for his safe arrival, they were asking for mercy and grace.

What talent do I leave with, Lord? What gift do you impart?

All that you will need, God said, I've placed within your heart.

And so God kissed this tiny child, knowing all that he would be,

and whispered as he watched him go...You'll teach them...to love me.

We keep reminding ourselves that the slice of time we're missing with Caden here on earth is literally almost nothing compared to the eternity that waits for us all.  

Happy Mother's Day.

Our Story In Powerpoint

It's been way too long since we've updated this page - sorry!  Life has a way of speeding past you, especially when you go from a man defense to a zone defense.  Our new little one, Hadley, is now 8 months old!  Yes, time flies!


But, we've also been busy with lots of gift cards, which is both heart-breaking and encouraging at the same time.  While we would never wish our experience on anyone else, we are glad that more people are able to utilize Caden's Cubs to provide a small measure of comfort for the siblings of these little angels whose presence on this world is far too short.

Over the past few months, we've also done several presentations and fundraisers to keep Caden's Cubs expanding.  We wanted to share with you the Powerpoint that we've used for those presentations - it's basically the story of how Caden's Cubs began in the space of just a couple minutes.  Feel free to download it or share it with anyone you think it might help.

Thank you again for the incredible generosity of everyone who has donated - your dollars go directly to provide comfort to young ones who have lost their baby brother or sister.

God Bless You!

PS - I'm playing with some of the settings in this presentation, so please let me know if you don't hear the audio during the presentation.  Thanks!

Caden's Cubs Update

Hello!

It's been awhile since we've shared what's happening with Caden's Cubs, so I thought I would take a minute to update you all. We have been blessed by our friends and family with some generous donations recently, which allowed us to purchase our first sizable batch of Build-A-Bear giftcards. This is great because when we hear of a family that can utilize Caden's Cubs, we can now send them a giftcard from our batch on hand within a couple days rather than ordering the cards individually and having to wait several days for them to come in the mail.

In the last month, we have been able to provide giftcards for about 10 children. This is exciting, yet disheartening, for us. Each family's story touches our souls, and we are so grateful to be able to do something to let them know that even strangers are praying for them and their babies.

Our goals over the next few months include getting ourselves set up with some notecards, address labels, and perhaps even some informational pamphlets to be sent out to the families we give cards to. Right now, we are using generic cards to send things out in, and we think it would be wonderful to be able to use cards and address labels with the Caden's Cubs logo on them when we mail giftcards. It is our hope that eventually, information about Caden's Cubs can be given to families in the hospital so that they can contact us if they are interested in making a bear in honor of their little one. That is a big vision. We'll see where the road takes us.

Some have asked how much money it takes to create one bear. Build-A-Bear has given us a discount, so we will be able to provide $25 giftcards for a cost of $20. This is, generally speaking, enough for a stuffed animal and an outfit at Build-A-Bear.

We continue to accept direct referrals. If you know of a family who could benefit from this experience, please let us know. All you need to do is provide us with the names of their children and their mailing address and we take care of the rest. Of course, we always love to hear a little of their own personal story...we feel a connection to all these families.

Before I sign off, I want to say a special thank you to Spencer and Steph. Your gift will be a true blessing to us and we thank you from the bottom of our hearts for helping us further our ministry. We are truly humbled.

To all of you that have contributed or will contribute in the future, we want you to know how blessed we feel by your generosity. Each giftcard we send is a piece of healing for us...and also brings healing and joy to a child who needs something to cuddle while remembering a precious angel.

Caden's "Heaven Day"

One year ago today, our son, Caden Adair, was born. One of our dearest family friends, Paula, called today "Caden's heaven day," and I thought it was perfect.

For weeks, we have thought about how this day was going to hit us. We decided that it would bring with it a mix of relief and incredible sadness...and perhaps, hopefully, a little bit of joy at knowing our youngest sits at the feet of Jesus (on the first anniversary, it is hard to have the joy outweigh the sadness, I have to be honest).

Once again, we have been amazed and so grateful for the outpouring of love and support that we have received from friends and family. From beautiful cards, to flowers, to e-mail encouragement, to yummy treats and a homemade lunch, we have been so blessed today. It has been a gift to face this difficult day surrounded by love and lifted up in the prayers of others. So, to those of you who have provided that support for us, thank you.

The kids said they wanted to color pictures for Caden and release balloons in his memory, so we did that together as a family tonight. Brandon and I had thought for some time about what would be an appropriate way to commemorate Caden's "heaven day", and in the end, decided to just ask the kids what they wanted to do. So, that's what we did. And it was perfect. They have been well aware of what today means and have asked lots of questions and have been a little sad today, too. They miss their baby brother. What a gift perceptive children are.

One of the greatest reminders we have of our baby boy is our garden. I wanted to share some pictures with you. Things are popping up beautifully this year. The picture at the beginning of this post is of one of our first blooms on our magnolia tree. What great timing to see new signs of life! Here are some other shots of the garden:

Here are some shots of our balloon release. The kids wanted to let the balloons go out in the garden:

When asked if she wanted to say anything, Kylee said she wanted to tell Caden "Hi" and that she "hopes he's doing good in heaven." She wrote her name on the pink balloon.

Connor wrote "Hi, Caden!" on his balloons. When he released his, he yelled "I miss you, Caden!"

Watching the balloons soar...the kids were both very concerned about whether or not the balloons would actually make it up to heaven. We assured them that even if the balloons themselves didn't make it, Caden could see what we were doing.



We love you, baby boy. You dwell in our hearts forever.

One Year Ago Today....

As many of you may recall, on March 31, 2008, at our 20 week ultrasound, we were told that our baby was to become an angel. Approaching this anniversary date has affected us in ways that have been somewhat unexpected. Neither Brandon or I slept well last night and we both are just feeling a bit unsettled today. I have already had two good cries this morning...and will probably have another one tonight as I remember sleeping a year ago in a lonely hospital room, uncertain of what the morning would bring. I will be overcome with gratitude that tonight, I get to sleep beside my husband, with my children in the rooms next to ours, feeling our unborn daughter kick and turn inside of me. I will be overcome with sadness that the baby I carried one year ago is not here with us.

We were unaware, on this day one year ago, of the journey that was beginning for us. We were hopeful, that with enough bedrest, hydrotherapy, and IV fluids, that our baby would be okay. Reflecting back on the experience, I think we would have been much more scared if we had known, at that time, what the next few months would hold for us as we carried a baby that we would never get to bring home. God has great wisdom in only dishing out information as we can take it, although when in the midst of a crisis, the lack of answers is perhaps the most frustrating part of the process.

We would learn what it meant to simply "get through". We would face our worst fear...saying goodbye to one of our children. We would have to explain to our children that things don't always work out they way that we want them to...and sometimes, God calls even little babies to come and live with Him. We would feel discouragement and loneliness unlike any other. We would be told, over and over again, that the right decision, in the eyes of some, was to terminate the pregnancy. And we would learn, for a fact, how much we value the life of our children....born or unborn. We would also learn what an incredible support system surrounded us, as, on this night one year ago, my family stood around my hospital bed, holding hands, saying a prayer for Brandon, Connor, Kylee, and I, and for our unborn son. It was the beginning of so many prayer circles formed on our behalf.

Incredible. And painful. Anniversaries, particularly the first ones, are so difficult. When in the midst of a difficult time, the stress of the situation causes your body to go into overdrive....in a way, almost preventing you from experiencing the emotions that would accompany the situation in a different circumstance. But months or years later, that "overdrive" sensation is gone, and you are grieving the loss in a way that is perhaps even more raw than when it actually happened. It is very healing, but also very difficult.

Today is also the nine month anniversary of the day we met Caden. I have spent time this week looking at pictures of him and can't believe how strong the longing to hold him is. His naked little body, his gorgeous red hair, his sweet little cheeks...all formed so perfectly. Seeing the love in our family's faces as they gazed down at him. It's amazing.

Baby boy, we love you more than words can express. And, as painful as the journey that began one year ago today has been, we are so thankful for the days we had with you.

You were worth all of it.

Approaching Friday...

Many kind folks have inquired as to when our 20 week sonogram is. I appreciate it that people have asked, because it means they understand, on some level, the anxiety that surrounds this typically joyous landmark of a "normal" pregnancy. Our sonogram is this Friday.

On March 30th of last year, our world came crumbling down around us. Our 20 week ultrasound quickly spiraled into a real-time nightmare as we saw the lack of fluid around our son.

Knowing that our baby girl has kidneys and a bladder has helped to relieve some of this fear as we prepare to walk into the sonogram room this time. However, there is a residual anxiety that we carry with us as a result of our experience with Caden...so we are grateful for your prayers. We have decided to take the kids with us, hoping that getting to see a healthy baby on the screen will bring healing to them. They are counting down the months until this baby joins us here at home.

Pregnancy after loss is incredibly healing. I wish I could express how different our approach and reverence for this little life is following the loss of our son. Every landmark is even more precious...every little kick a huge blessing. We know these moments are to be treasured...and the realization that some babies' lives, like Caden's, consist only of the time they've spent in their mother's womb drives this point home even harder.

Moments of uncertainty are also magnified...the fears, the knowledge of what all could go wrong...tell me that we won't fully enjoy this little one until she is here with us on the outside...breathing and moving in our arms. Every appointment brings my heart up into my throat...will we hear or see her heartbeat? Is she okay? Will there be fluid? It's a far cry from the typical "How much weight have I gained THIS time?" type worries I had in my pregnancies with Connor and Kylee.

The other thing I have learned, thanks to our journey with Caden, is that we are entirely powerless to control the outcome of this pregnancy. And if, heaven forbid, we were asked to go through another loss, He would get us through it. I praise Him through that uncertainty, and trust in His plan for this baby...praying that she gets to come home with us, but knowing if, at any point, we get bad news, we will celebrate our daughter's life for what it has been so far. This viewpoint is a blessing and a curse. We are soaking up each and every day that she is with us.

We will let you know what Friday brings. And in the meantime, thanks for your prayers.

Missing Caden

As some of you know, I have started my semester at William Jewell, teaching sophomore nursing students the art and science behind Health Assessment.

Typically, I teach in the fall, spring, and summer semesters of school. This year, however, I had arranged to take the fall semester more or less "off" from teaching because we were anticipating having a newborn in the house. When we found out we weren't going to get to bring Caden home with us, we decided keeping my teaching load to a minimum in the fall would still be a good idea...to allow me time to recover physically, mentally, and emotionally from all that the summer held for us.

While I was up on campus occasionally during the fall semester, I was really able to focus on things here at home. I realized as I was preparing to start my class this semester that I was, in another way, returning to "normal". I found that there was great comfort in that, but it was also hard. This return to teaching meant, in a way, that I was taking a step further away from losing Caden (this may sound crazy, but bear with me). I was going back to a familiar routine...putting on the professional attire, interacting with students who have no idea what I've been through in the last year...and it was a bit surreal and somewhat sad to enter this new phase of our grief and recovery. But I know it is time.

I met my class this week. As I was riding up in the elevator on the way to give my first lecture, the tears just started rolling down my face. "What on EARTH?!?!?!" I thought. Great timing.

I thought about it. The last time I taught this course, I was pregnant with Caden. I got to bring my precious boy with me to work. It was something I got to experience with him...and given that he didn't live outside of my womb, those intrapartum experiences are all the memories that I have with him. Outside of our sonograms with Jan, teaching class at William Jewell was one of the only "fun memories" that I have with Caden. Not that he did a lot of teaching (in the traditional sense, anyway), but he was there. WITH ME. Those days together are important for many reasons, and I think my emotion stemmed from the realization that I would miss having our precious boy with me as I stood at the head of the classroom.

Because of dismal Doctor's appointments, frustrating sonograms at the perinatologist's office, and dark moments of fear and doubt, I don't have a lot of happy memories of our time with Caden. Teaching at Jewell, where I was supported and loved by my colleagues, embraced by my students, and getting to do something that I have a great passion for, was a GOOD memory from this summer. Connor and Kylee have both spent time with me up at Jewell...and Caden got to do that, too.

Taking one more step towards a "new normal" is something that I am grateful for. But I am also grateful, as Caden's Mommy, that I had the opportunity today to realize how much I miss him. The "missing him" is different because I didn't know him while he was alive and on the outside of my womb. There aren't many experiences I recall with him that make me reflect on my pregnancy and how wonderful it was to have him inside me...but today, I had that moment. Realizing that there is something we used to do together and that I'm going to miss was very powerful.

Our God works in strange and wonderful ways.

A Special Announcement

Good Evening!

We are starting off the New Year with some special news....

As we went through our pregnancy and delivery with Caden, we were constantly searching for some meaning in or the purpose of our hurt. We don't believe that God puts you in those circumstances without wanting you to DO something with your experience...because, unfortunately, others will encounter a similar hurt some day. So, we asked "How can we serve those that will follow us?".

It's amazing how God answers prayers. He brought us a trip to Build-A-Bear with Connor and Kylee, which I wrote about last summer. They were both given the opportunity to create a special bear in memory of Caden, courtesy of our friends Doug and Polly Hare. They loved it. An idea was born.

After some brainstorming and idea-sharing, we are excited to announce the formation of "Caden's Cubs"...a special project through which we hope to provide that same experience for other families with other children who have said goodbye to or are anticipating the arrival of a terminally ill baby. Through Caden's Cubs, we will provide these families with a gift card to Build-A-Bear for each sibling, with which they can create their own special bear or animal in memory of their baby.

Build-A-Bear has generously offered a discount to Caden's Cubs for the purchase of gift cards. Even more amazing has been Patti Lewis, who, through Alexandra's House, has set up a mechanism for supporters to make tax-deductible donations to Caden's Cubs through the Alexandra's House website.

If you're ever so inclined, or would like to purchase a bear for siblings you know through "Caden's Cubs", you can donate at http://www.alexandrashouse.com/ and designate "Caden's Cubs" in the memo line of your donation. Then you can e-mail us at cadenscubs@gmail.com and tell us about your loved ones and provide us with their address. We do the rest.

We are planning to start small...primarily working through referrals through Alexandra's House. We hope to some day expand, as resources allow, to offer this special family time to others outside the Kansas City area. As it stands now, we trust that God will open the doors for families who can be served through this ministry. We are humbled to have already been contacted about two families who would like to create bears in honor of the babies they are expecting...that are not expected to live. We will work out details and specifics as we move along and see what fine-tuning we need to do, but feel honored to be able to use our experience to help others...and of course, to see Caden's legacy continue.

We are excited to provide some small joy for others, specifically the siblings of a sick baby, as it was provided for Connor and Kylee in such a difficult and trying time. We also want these families to know that we will be praying for them...as so many have prayed for us.

Another chapter begins...

2009 Has Arrived!

Happy New Year!

Today has found all of us in our pajamas, enjoying our new Christmas presents and not having to leave the house. It is a welcome reprieve from the hustle and bustle that the holidays bring.

We had a great Christmas and New Year's. We hosted my family here on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. It was so much fun to have Santa make the trip here to our house and the kids had so much fun opening up their gifts and having company in the house. The highlight of their Christmas was preparing Santa's special milk and cookies and putting out reindeer food for Rudolph and company in the yard. Brandon, being the good Daddy that he is, then went out late on Christmas Eve and devoted no small amount of time to creating sleigh and reindeer "tracks" in the snow in our front yard. It was great!

On the morning of December 26th, we headed on out to KCI and spent the day travelling to Hillsborough, NC, where we spent the weekend with Aaron and Rachel and Justin, Mary, and family (Brandon's brother and sister-in-law). Connor and his cousin, Drew, played nonstop and had a great time together. Amy and Beth, our twin nieces, were also on hand and it was amazing to see how much kids grow in a year! We enjoyed lots of food, family time, and of course, more presents during our time with the Carlson family. The kids were real troopers as we encountered several delays both on the way to North Carolina and on the way home. Fortunately, they still get so excited about getting to be on an airplane that sitting for hours in an aiport is still worth it. More pictures of all that excitement to come. :)

Caden was well-remembered this Christmas. Santa brought Connor and Kylee each a teddy bear in memory of Caden. I received a beautiful necklace charm with a picture of Caden on one side and a teddy bear on the other, which I wear proudly. We each received angel ornaments from Granny Loretta and Grandpa Bob in California. We did end up with a fifth stocking on our mantel. We received one with a gift in it, and Kylee hung it up (you can see it second from left in the picture above), figuring that's just what you should do with a stocking. Although it didn't fit quite right, I left it there, deciding that five stockings on the mantel was all right with me...and marvelling at how, once again, with their innocence and natural zest for life, my children can help me face my giants in a way that is much more bearable than if I had to do it on my own.

We rang in the New Year at our traditional Chase/Blakemore/Carlson gathering. Our two little ones were zonked out cold just before the clock struck midnight. We had a great time hanging out with our friends and watching the kids play together. We learned this year that Trena makes a mean Pina Colada. Yum!

Brandon has been off work this week, and it has been so nice to relax and enjoy some family time together since we got home. The Christmas decorations are put away, the laundry is somewhat caught up, and we greet 2009 with hope and optimism. We conquered so many things in 2008 and are so grateful for God's presence with us throughout (what we hope was) the most difficult year of our lives. We carry the legacy of our precious Caden with us into the New Year, believing that he will continue to make a difference in the lives of others for many, many years to come.

May God bless you and keep you this year.

Remembering Our Caden

We have felt so blessed by the way that people have helped us memorialize our baby boy during the holiday season. There was a part of me that was fearful that maybe no one would be comfortable saying or doing anything to help us remember him, which couldn't be further from what we need.

Last week, I was talking with our good friend and sonogram angel Jan, who told us that Caden's story is being shared at the Liberty Women's Clinic...young women who are conflicted about their pregnancies are learning about our son...he is serving as an example of how precious life is...whether lived inside or outside the womb.

We have also received a couple of very special ornaments for Caden. A teddy bear from Paula, and an angel with Caden's name on it from Grandpa and Grandma Carlson, who buy our children ornaments every year. Another colleague of mine asked if we had an ornament for Caden and said that if we didn't, she wanted to buy us one.

A beautiful evergreen wreath arrived on our doorstep last week from our friends the Hoffmanns. Our friends' words on the card that came with it said "May this Christmas bring you a peace that passes all understanding". The tears rolled down my face as I hung the wreath on our front door. With its big red bow and fragrant needles, it is a symbol of the beauty of Christmas.

Today the Alexandra's House newsletter came to us in the mail. In it are stories of several babies who left this earth too soon, and in the midst of the newsletter was Caden's story. Seeing his perfect and beautiful face in print was overwhelming. We are blessed to share his story with others.

As we seek for the peace that passes all understanding, we know that our peace comes, in no small part, through the prayers of others. Please know that each and every gesture you make to remember our youngest son touches us in the deepest part of our hearts. The greatest gift of all is knowing that his life, however brief, had a purpose...and that he touched people with his strength, innocence, and heavenly presence.

5 Months

Wow. Five months ago today, we met our precious Caden Adair. Then, about 5 hours later, we told him "goodbye".

I suppose it might be a bit cliche' to say that we can't believe how quickly the time has gone. But I'm going to say it anyway. It has been five months since I felt our baby move inside me. Five months since I held him, smelled him, kissed him, and looked at him, trying to memorize every tiny detail of his face and body. Five months since I saw all three of our children together.

8 months has passed since we were diagnosed and told our baby would not live. And now, we prepare to face our first holiday season without our fifth member.

Thanksgiving went well. We travelled to Lindsborg and spent time with Brandon's family. It was a short trip, but a good one. The day after Thanksgiving, however, was really hard. The kids and I decorated the house for Christmas, which is always a sentimental time for me. Many of the decorations we put out belonged to either my Mom or my Grandma, who both LOVED Christmas. So, I think of them as I put things out...happy for the memories, but saddened because they are not here with us. The hardest part of decorating for me, though, was realizing that last January, as I put the decorations away, I did so thinking "Next year, we'll have a new baby in the house when I put these out!". Realizing that this wasn't so was not unlike being punched in the gut. I was supposed to have a little one with me. The Christmas music was supposed to be interrupted by a little one cooing or fussing. I was going to get to shop for three kids this year. Oh....

As usual, it was Connor and Kylee to the rescue. They were SO excited to put the decorations all over the house, and watching them sift through boxes while wearing their pjs...all of us warm and cozy together...made it possible for me to find joy in the midst of a painful day. We made a special Christmas ornament for Caden and hung it on the tree. They were both so excited to incorporate our baby into the preparations.

We have been told that many families who have dealt with infant loss find something symbolic that reminds them of their little one..common ones being angels, butterflies, or rainbows. We have found that our symbol for Caden is a teddy bear. I have always loved teddy bears, and it seems that they remind us of our special boy more often than anything else. I think that Santa will be bringing Connor and Kylee a little teddy bear in memory of Caden this year. It is nice to have some way to bring him into our Christmas tradition...because he is, of course, always in our hearts.

10 Thoughts

Good Evening.

I came across this list on another blog this last week, and wanted to share it with all of you. I find it very poignant.

When speaking with my students about our experience, many of them have asked me..."What do I do or say when caring for someone who is dealing with loss?" I think this hits the nail on the head.

The timing of this is interesting to me...as we approach the holidays, I think it is important to remember that they are not necessarily all joyful for many families. While it is a wonderful time of year, it is also a time that reminds us in a very real way that those that we have said goodbye to will not be with us around the Thanksgiving table or opening presents with us on Christmas morning. Be it death, divorce, illness, job loss, financial hardship...whatever...the holidays can be a lonely and painful time. I pray for those families who are hurting this year and invite you to pray along with me.

At any rate, here is the list. I hope it will be especially helpful to those of you who are comforting someone who is hurting this holiday season and in the months and years to come. Maybe, if you are the one who is hurting, it will help to put words to some of your emotions.

Thank you, once again, to all those who have comforted us in so many, many ways:

1. BE THERE FOR ME. If you are my friend, reach out, talk to me, hold my hand, hug me. Know that even though we may say we are all right, we will never be all right again.

2. WE ARE DIFFERENT. Understand that what has happened will change us forever and if you are my friend, you will accept me for what I have become, for who I am now, a person with different goals and different priorities. What was once important to me may no longer have any meaning.

3. BE A GOOD LISTENER. We want above all else to talk about our loved one. To us, they will always be alive in our hearts, and we don't want others to forget them either. Don't be afraid to mention their names in our conversations. They were real people at one time, even though they are no longer with us. They had hopes and dreams we'd still like to share with others. Please don't pretend they never existed.

4. NO ONE ELSE KNOWS HOW I FEEL. We all grieve differently. Please don't tell me you know how I feel. You don't. Rather than asking me, "How are you feeling?" ask me "What are you feeling?" I can probably give you a more honest answer.

5. I MAY GRIEVE FOR A VERY LONG TIME. There is no set time limit to my grief. It may take me two years; it may take me five years. I have to do what is comfortable for me. Be patient. I will do the best I can in whatever amount of time it takes.

6. KEEP IN TOUCH. Call me once in a while. I promise to do the same. Invite me to lunch or to a movie. I will eventually go, because I will eventually feel better. Don't give up on me and don't forget me. I am trying to do the best I can right now.

7. I MAY CRY AT TIMES IN FRONT OF YOU. Please don't be embarrassed, and I won't be either. Besides being a natural emotion, crying is also a cleansing emotion. By crying I can relieve a lot of anger, frustration, guilt and stress. And best of all, I feel much better after a good cry.

8. I PUT A MASK ON FOR THE PUBLIC. Don't assume just because I am functioning during the day that I am "over it." I will never get "over it." I try to function normally because I have no other choice. You should see me when the day is over, and I am in the privacy of my own home and free to let my emotions out. My day mask comes off and I am just a mother, aching for her child.

9. SOME DAYS MAY BE OVERWHELMING. The slightest thing can trigger a bad time. It can be a song, a place I go, a holiday, a wedding or even smells or sounds. If I break down and start crying or seem to be in another world, it is because I am thinking of my loved one and longing for what I will never have again. I may need to try different things before I find what will be right for me in my new life. Encourage me to reach for the stars.

10. LET ME DO WHATEVER MAKES ME HAPPY. We will never forget our loved one. The pain never leaves. It just softens a little with time. We eventually function again, feel hope again, find joy in our lives. It is a long road that we travel, but with the help of friends and relatives who understand a little of how we feel and what we are going through, perhaps that road will lead to new paths to enrich our lives in new ways we never dreamed were possible.

Trick or Treat, Smell our Feet...:)

Give us something good to eat! I must note here, that if our son were finishing this chant, he would conclude with something about pulling down your underwear if you don't...ah, television.

We had a great time trick-or-treating on Halloween. Our Halloween began with our traditional first stop at Grandma Paula's house. After that, we enjoyed dinner at the Blakemore's, and then the kids went and participated in a trunk or treat sponsored by a nearby church. We then headed up and around The Square, where again, the treats abounded. Above is a picture of Connor (pirate mummy) and Kylee (Tinkerbell) with Georgia (the flower fairy) and Georgia's friend, Tiernan (a bride).

The kids both made quite a haul. Now, three weeks later, we have polished off the "good" candy. Now the residual Smarties, Now N Laters, and Tootsie Rolls will sit in the cannister on our kitchen counter until Easter, at which time they will meet the bottom of the trash can in order to make room for chocolate eggs (which trump Smarties any day of the week in this house).

Prior to Halloween, the kids were excited to carve their pumpkins:

Kylee actually just painted hers, and then enjoyed making her own design with the carving tool (which resembled more of just a hole in the pumpkin rather than an actual jack-o-lantern face). However, over time, we have learned the hard way that it is certainly NOT in our best interest to advise our daughter on her artistic creations (particularly when she is holding a carving tool).

Connor and I were grocery shopping on Halloween. A man came on the loudspeaker and announced "Happy Halloween! Today all our pumpkins are FREE!". The pumpkins were in a big pile outside the front door. We already had our pumpkins for the kids. But...the word free invokes some kind of strange adrenaline rush in me. I looked at Connor, said "We've got to hurry!", and made a mad dash for the front of the store (I was somewhat impaired in my mad dash by my cart that was heaped with groceries). We abandoned the cart in the entryway of the store and ran outside. Connor picked his pumpkin (with me standing there chanting "Hurry, Hurry!"...I was afraid an innocent stocker was going to try to put our abandoned groceries away), and I picked out one for Kylee. Just what our cart needed...two huge pumpkins. But they were FREE! We paid for our groceries and went out to the car. I decided in that moment that I wanted to pick up one more pumpkin...for Caden. I debated, and then went and grabbed one more (after all, they were FREE!)...telling myself that really, decorations look better in odd numbers rather than even numbers. Later, I realized that it was okay to pick out a pumpkin for Caden...for no other reason than I just wanted to.

Now, our free pumpkins grace our porch. All three of them.

Reflections

It is a relatively quiet Sunday evening here at our house. Connor and Brandon are outside playing football (they went to the Chiefs game today and came home all pumped up despite another dismal loss), and Kylee and I are holding down the fort indoors. Ah, peace.

In anticipation of the holidays, I have been thinking a lot about Caden...and am wondering how this season will be for our family. Last year at this time, we were just finding out that we were expecting another little one, and spent the holiday season in anticipation of having three kids to celebrate the holidays with in 2008. Little did we know, we were beginning a different kind of journey with our third child.

I have been struggling a bit lately with handing situations over to God...and realizing that just because you go through something really trying and difficult in life, it doesn't mean that you are exempt from pain from that point forward (the last two years of our lives have made that much evident). We are both waiting to find some sense of tangible purpose in Caden's death...and some days are easier than others.

One morning a couple weeks ago, I was driving home from dropping Kylee off at preschool. I was listening to the local Christian radio station, and a Pastor was giving a mini-sermon on the air. Usually, I change the station (I do not share my husband's passion for talk radio) when this happens, but on this particular morning, I listened. The sermon was about having gratitude in any situation. That had my name all over it. I needed to listen.

The Pastor concluded his lesson by telling the story of God's promise to Abraham...that he would be blessed with more descendants than he could count. Of course, you may know that what makes this story most interesting is the fact that Sarah, Abraham's wife, was well past child-bearing age when God revealed this plan. The Pastor went on to say that God fulfilled His promise to Abraham, through the birth of a son and then many other descendants, but Abraham didn't live long enough to see the entire promise fulfilled (descendants that numbered more than the stars in the sky).

God always fulfills the promise.

But He may not choose to do that in my lifetime.

If He doesn't show me, His will is still perfect.

Hmmmm.....

This day gets even more interesting, because I heard the story of Abraham and Sarah two more times on THIS SAME DAY through different venues.

Wow.

I miss our baby terribly. Will we hang a fifth stocking on our fireplace this year in memory of a boy that is not with us? Buy a special ornament for Caden? Cry on Christmas morning because he isn't here with us? I don't know.

But, this I do know...God will be there to hold us as we feel our pain or sadness. I suppose that's all that matters. Hopefully there will be joy for us as we celebrate the birth of the Christ child. I hope that this holiday and birth celebration will begin a new phase of life and rememberance for us. In a season of hope, I will be making a conscious effort to acknowledge that God is with us, fulfilling his promises to us....and whether our Caden is with us or not, he is the fulfillment of a very special promise to us, as every child is.

For that, I am thankful.

Four Months

My brother sent me these pictures of the kids earlier in the week. They were taken outside the hospital as we all sat outside together on June 29th, waiting for the medications I had been given to induce labor to take effect (when you are facing infant loss, you get different privileges, like being allowed to sit outside in the fresh air during your induction).

These pictures strike an interesting chord with me. They are actually some really great photos of our kids. However, looking at them is, for obvious reasons, heartbreaking. In a way, these pictures show my children with an innocence that would no longer exist just 12 hours later...when they were brought into the hospital room to hold their baby brother who had already left this earth.

The picture of the two of them sitting on the picnic table is interesting to me. As Connor looks upward, Kylee looks more toward the ground. I feel this is an interesting parallel to the journey we have been on since losing Caden four months ago. Desperately looking towards heaven for comfort, and at the same time, feeling the weight of the situation dragging us down. As you look at this picture, you can see the peace in both of the kids' faces. Amazing.

This month has been a tough one. I said goodbye to my Grandpa on October 2nd. I have since been struggling to wrap my mind around the last two years...why on earth God would ask me to say so many good-byes to people that I love the most. I haven't found an answer to that one yet. I am struggling daily to feel His peace. Some days are better than others. The image of my Grandparents, my Mom, and my son all together in heaven is a beautiful one, but also one that evokes a certain amount of jealousy and sadness in me. Someday I will join them, but for now, I am blessed to be here amongst my family and friends on Earth.

I wonder what Caden's legacy will be. I have a sense that He was sent to us as a part of something bigger...and we are searching for what that legacy is. As I reflect on our experience, it seems a bit surreal that we went through such a long and painful process. In some ways, the pain is so fresh it feels like yesterday. On other days, it seems like it has been 4 years instead of 4 months. The newness of the grief is wearing off a bit, and in its place is a sort of grief that is almost more difficult to bear. It is the grief that occurs when you realize that your arms are empty, that right now, Caden would be 4 months old...receiving his second round of immunizations and learning to play with baby toys....the shock wears off and in its place is different pain.

I miss our baby. Connor opted to share about Caden on his show-and-tell day at school earlier this month. He took Carl, his Build-A-Bear that was created in memory of Caden, and a picture of him holding Caden to show his classmates. They asked great questions, and our oldest son fielded them like a champ. It was the first thing out of his mouth when he found out it would be his turn to share..."I want to tell them about Caden". I was able to be there when he shared, and it was incredible. Kylee asks, on occasion, to watch Caden's DVD. Sometimes I try to talk her out of it because I know it upsets her, but she is insistent on seeing her baby brother. We hold her and watch the images flash up on the screen. She now has her favorite pictures and her favorite songs on the DVD. She gets a Kleenex and settles in for a good cry. We shed some tears together (she often uses her own Kleenex to wipe Mommy's cheeks, too), trade hugs, and then she goes on with her playtime. Our kids teach us so much about life....and I am so blessed that they want Caden to continue to be a part of our daily lives. Sometimes we need to share him with someone who didn't previously know of his existence....and sometimes, we need to take a quiet moment to look at him and just cry because we miss him so much. It's all a part of healing.

I ask for your prayers as the holidays approach. When we found out we were pregnant, one of the first things we dreamt about was having three kids with us at Christmas. I know that this season will be hard as I mourn the loss of both Caden and my Grandpa. I pray for joy in the midst of sorrow. Hearing the Christmas story this year will hold a new meaning...Mary anticipating the birth of a son whom she would later watch on the Cross. While I would never pretend that I could even comprehend that moment in Mary's life....the death of her son....in some ways, I feel that we were called to make a similar sacrifice.

To our Caden...you are so deeply, deeply loved and treasured. Your presence in our family is not diminished because you are not here. We carry you with us each and every day...in our hearts and in our souls. We look forward to being reunited with you in heaven...when we can hold you, touch you, smell you, kiss you...get to know you outside the womb.

Thanks for being our precious angel.

A Different Kind of Healing...

Good Evening!

This last week has been full of fun for our family. I have been perusing petfinder.com over the last several weeks, sometimes out of a strong desire to adopt a puppy, other times just because looking at four footed little ones is fun. Last week, I stumbled across a litter of shepherd/lab/retriever mix puppies that happened to be right here in Liberty at the local animal shelter. Uh-oh.

With Brandon's blessing, I showed pictures of the puppies, who had been dumped on the roadside, to the kids. They decided they'd like to go and meet the puppies (big surprise). I talked with them about the responsibilties a puppy brings along with it (I could almost hear my parents delivering the same speech to me when I was a kid), and they both decided they were open to the challenge. Last Tuesday, the kids and I went and looked at the litter. There were five there...two yellow males, one yellow female, and two black and tan females. One of them, in particular, caught our eye. That very evening, we adopted and named Buster, an 8 week old male lab mix. He came home with us on Wednesday afternoon.

The next two nights quickly reminded us why we had originally decided not to get a puppy. Buster whined, scratched, and whimpered in his crate. However, the loud noises and lack of sleep at night was easily made up for by watching the joy in Connor and Kylee's faces as they played with Buster. Wicket, our eight year old mutt, although slightly less enthusiastic about the new addition, has handled it well.

Over the last several evenings, Buster has come to be okay with being in his crate, and is coming out of his shell (which means chewing on everything in sight). He seems quite happy here. It is nice to have something vibrant, cuddly, and adorable in the house for the kids to play with. Now, if only we could convince him to go to the bathroom outside all the time....but really, training a puppy seems a little easier after potty training two children.

It feels good to do something that allows us to move forward. We had put off doing something like this, believing that we just didn't have the time or energy to invest in it. I personally came to the point at which I decided I was tired of waiting...and was tired of asking our kids to wait...for something to bring a new sort of joy into our lives.

We are glad Buster is here.

Grandpa

Hello.

Just wanted to take a few minutes this evening to give you an update on my Grandpa. As you may recall, I had posted about him back in January when he suffered two strokes. It has been a very long 8 months for our family as we have sought the best possible treatment for him, both in Kansas City and in Great Bend.

My Uncle Craig made the decision about a week ago to move Grandpa to a Hospice Center in Salina, KS (www.hospiceofsalina.org). The place is beautiful and the care that Grandpa has received there has been nothing short of incredible. Craig moved Grandpa there with the intention of stopping his tube feedings, believing that continuing them was a violation of Grandpa's living will (he was receiving the feedings 16 hours a day as a sole source of nourishment due to being unable to swallow following the stroke). This was a decision that could be considered highly controversial by some, but Grandpa had always been very clear about NOT wanting to live the kind of life he was living following the stroke. We had hoped that therapy might help him rehabilitate, but results from therapy weren't what we had prayed for. Given all this, Craig approached us about discontinuing Grandpa's tube feedings at the end of October.

I was torn about discontinuing the feedings...knowing that Grandpa wouldn't have wanted them, yet at the same time, not wanting to play God. God heard our prayers...and while the answer was not easy to take, it is an answer we are grateful for. Over the weekend, while still receiving his tube feedings, Grandpa started having some difficulties breathing. On Monday, Grandpa slowly slipped into an unconscious state and has become less and less responsive. We got a call yesterday, and Sarah, Jordan, and I were told to come right away...Grandpa was fighting to breathe and his nurses didn't believe he had much time left. We drove to Salina last evening and spent the night at Grandpa's bedside. We spent the morning there and left in the early afternoon after taking some precious moments to tell our amazing Grandpa "goodbye". It hurts to see him go, but we know he is ready to shed his current body and be restored in heaven.

Grandpa is being medicated and kept comfortable. It looks like he wanted to do things on his own terms. Pretty typical of this strong man. Doctors predict that today was his last day on earth, but as a former oncology nurse, I know how hard it is to guess how much time someone has left on this planet. We shall see. I am back home, checking in frequently via phone.

As I laid beside Grandpa in bed today, I realized that by being with him in that moment, I was incredibly close to heaven...specifically close to my Mom, and, of course, Caden. Grandpa is going to be seeing them shortly. I asked him to greet my mother and son for me when he arrives at the gates. I have a feeling they are already calling to him, appearing above him, preparing to welcome him Home.

We will keep you posted.

Three Months

Good Morning!

Three months ago today, we met and told our precious Caden goodbye. I was reflecting a couple days ago about how we knew about Caden's condition for three months before our delivery, and now, that same amount of time has elapsed since he was born. That is crazy to me. It has been six months since all of this began. Wow.

This month has held its own challenges and heartache. The beautiful garden in our backyard was finished. The dedication was held, despite tornado activity and torrential downpour. Our dear friend, Jan Witzke, walked in the first annual Liberty Women's Clinic "Strides for Life" walk in memory of Caden. She carried his picture with her while she walked. We all signed her t-shirt. Yesterday, I had the privilege of speaking with a group of senior nursing majors at William Jewell as part of the OB class' perinatal loss lecture. The Holy Spirit was right there with me. Wanda, a colleague of mine who has also experienced the loss of her son, sat beside me and encouraged me as we both shared together. The students were receptive, interested, and genuinely compassionate. It was exhausting and wonderful.

I am finding that it is easier to talk about Caden. I am also finding that, despite the fact that he is not here with us, my love for him is actually growing with each passing day. Isn't that amazing? I am beginning to let go of the hurt, anger, and uncertainty that came with not knowing how things would end, and now that those questions are answered, I am now able to instead focus, little by little, on what an amazing little boy he was. Doing so makes me love him more and more. Don't get me wrong, I miss him more and more, too...his place in my heart grows deeper and deeper with time.

I often wonder what he's doing up there. Is my Mom holding him? Is he playing with other children? How does he look? Is he watching over us? I know that he is happy and fulfilled. And for today, that is good enough for me.

We love you, precious boy!