Caden's Cubs Update

Hello!

It's been awhile since we've shared what's happening with Caden's Cubs, so I thought I would take a minute to update you all. We have been blessed by our friends and family with some generous donations recently, which allowed us to purchase our first sizable batch of Build-A-Bear giftcards. This is great because when we hear of a family that can utilize Caden's Cubs, we can now send them a giftcard from our batch on hand within a couple days rather than ordering the cards individually and having to wait several days for them to come in the mail.

In the last month, we have been able to provide giftcards for about 10 children. This is exciting, yet disheartening, for us. Each family's story touches our souls, and we are so grateful to be able to do something to let them know that even strangers are praying for them and their babies.

Our goals over the next few months include getting ourselves set up with some notecards, address labels, and perhaps even some informational pamphlets to be sent out to the families we give cards to. Right now, we are using generic cards to send things out in, and we think it would be wonderful to be able to use cards and address labels with the Caden's Cubs logo on them when we mail giftcards. It is our hope that eventually, information about Caden's Cubs can be given to families in the hospital so that they can contact us if they are interested in making a bear in honor of their little one. That is a big vision. We'll see where the road takes us.

Some have asked how much money it takes to create one bear. Build-A-Bear has given us a discount, so we will be able to provide $25 giftcards for a cost of $20. This is, generally speaking, enough for a stuffed animal and an outfit at Build-A-Bear.

We continue to accept direct referrals. If you know of a family who could benefit from this experience, please let us know. All you need to do is provide us with the names of their children and their mailing address and we take care of the rest. Of course, we always love to hear a little of their own personal story...we feel a connection to all these families.

Before I sign off, I want to say a special thank you to Spencer and Steph. Your gift will be a true blessing to us and we thank you from the bottom of our hearts for helping us further our ministry. We are truly humbled.

To all of you that have contributed or will contribute in the future, we want you to know how blessed we feel by your generosity. Each giftcard we send is a piece of healing for us...and also brings healing and joy to a child who needs something to cuddle while remembering a precious angel.

Caden's "Heaven Day"

One year ago today, our son, Caden Adair, was born. One of our dearest family friends, Paula, called today "Caden's heaven day," and I thought it was perfect.

For weeks, we have thought about how this day was going to hit us. We decided that it would bring with it a mix of relief and incredible sadness...and perhaps, hopefully, a little bit of joy at knowing our youngest sits at the feet of Jesus (on the first anniversary, it is hard to have the joy outweigh the sadness, I have to be honest).

Once again, we have been amazed and so grateful for the outpouring of love and support that we have received from friends and family. From beautiful cards, to flowers, to e-mail encouragement, to yummy treats and a homemade lunch, we have been so blessed today. It has been a gift to face this difficult day surrounded by love and lifted up in the prayers of others. So, to those of you who have provided that support for us, thank you.

The kids said they wanted to color pictures for Caden and release balloons in his memory, so we did that together as a family tonight. Brandon and I had thought for some time about what would be an appropriate way to commemorate Caden's "heaven day", and in the end, decided to just ask the kids what they wanted to do. So, that's what we did. And it was perfect. They have been well aware of what today means and have asked lots of questions and have been a little sad today, too. They miss their baby brother. What a gift perceptive children are.

One of the greatest reminders we have of our baby boy is our garden. I wanted to share some pictures with you. Things are popping up beautifully this year. The picture at the beginning of this post is of one of our first blooms on our magnolia tree. What great timing to see new signs of life! Here are some other shots of the garden:

Here are some shots of our balloon release. The kids wanted to let the balloons go out in the garden:

When asked if she wanted to say anything, Kylee said she wanted to tell Caden "Hi" and that she "hopes he's doing good in heaven." She wrote her name on the pink balloon.

Connor wrote "Hi, Caden!" on his balloons. When he released his, he yelled "I miss you, Caden!"

Watching the balloons soar...the kids were both very concerned about whether or not the balloons would actually make it up to heaven. We assured them that even if the balloons themselves didn't make it, Caden could see what we were doing.



We love you, baby boy. You dwell in our hearts forever.

One Year Ago Today....

As many of you may recall, on March 31, 2008, at our 20 week ultrasound, we were told that our baby was to become an angel. Approaching this anniversary date has affected us in ways that have been somewhat unexpected. Neither Brandon or I slept well last night and we both are just feeling a bit unsettled today. I have already had two good cries this morning...and will probably have another one tonight as I remember sleeping a year ago in a lonely hospital room, uncertain of what the morning would bring. I will be overcome with gratitude that tonight, I get to sleep beside my husband, with my children in the rooms next to ours, feeling our unborn daughter kick and turn inside of me. I will be overcome with sadness that the baby I carried one year ago is not here with us.

We were unaware, on this day one year ago, of the journey that was beginning for us. We were hopeful, that with enough bedrest, hydrotherapy, and IV fluids, that our baby would be okay. Reflecting back on the experience, I think we would have been much more scared if we had known, at that time, what the next few months would hold for us as we carried a baby that we would never get to bring home. God has great wisdom in only dishing out information as we can take it, although when in the midst of a crisis, the lack of answers is perhaps the most frustrating part of the process.

We would learn what it meant to simply "get through". We would face our worst fear...saying goodbye to one of our children. We would have to explain to our children that things don't always work out they way that we want them to...and sometimes, God calls even little babies to come and live with Him. We would feel discouragement and loneliness unlike any other. We would be told, over and over again, that the right decision, in the eyes of some, was to terminate the pregnancy. And we would learn, for a fact, how much we value the life of our children....born or unborn. We would also learn what an incredible support system surrounded us, as, on this night one year ago, my family stood around my hospital bed, holding hands, saying a prayer for Brandon, Connor, Kylee, and I, and for our unborn son. It was the beginning of so many prayer circles formed on our behalf.

Incredible. And painful. Anniversaries, particularly the first ones, are so difficult. When in the midst of a difficult time, the stress of the situation causes your body to go into overdrive....in a way, almost preventing you from experiencing the emotions that would accompany the situation in a different circumstance. But months or years later, that "overdrive" sensation is gone, and you are grieving the loss in a way that is perhaps even more raw than when it actually happened. It is very healing, but also very difficult.

Today is also the nine month anniversary of the day we met Caden. I have spent time this week looking at pictures of him and can't believe how strong the longing to hold him is. His naked little body, his gorgeous red hair, his sweet little cheeks...all formed so perfectly. Seeing the love in our family's faces as they gazed down at him. It's amazing.

Baby boy, we love you more than words can express. And, as painful as the journey that began one year ago today has been, we are so thankful for the days we had with you.

You were worth all of it.

Approaching Friday...

Many kind folks have inquired as to when our 20 week sonogram is. I appreciate it that people have asked, because it means they understand, on some level, the anxiety that surrounds this typically joyous landmark of a "normal" pregnancy. Our sonogram is this Friday.

On March 30th of last year, our world came crumbling down around us. Our 20 week ultrasound quickly spiraled into a real-time nightmare as we saw the lack of fluid around our son.

Knowing that our baby girl has kidneys and a bladder has helped to relieve some of this fear as we prepare to walk into the sonogram room this time. However, there is a residual anxiety that we carry with us as a result of our experience with Caden...so we are grateful for your prayers. We have decided to take the kids with us, hoping that getting to see a healthy baby on the screen will bring healing to them. They are counting down the months until this baby joins us here at home.

Pregnancy after loss is incredibly healing. I wish I could express how different our approach and reverence for this little life is following the loss of our son. Every landmark is even more precious...every little kick a huge blessing. We know these moments are to be treasured...and the realization that some babies' lives, like Caden's, consist only of the time they've spent in their mother's womb drives this point home even harder.

Moments of uncertainty are also magnified...the fears, the knowledge of what all could go wrong...tell me that we won't fully enjoy this little one until she is here with us on the outside...breathing and moving in our arms. Every appointment brings my heart up into my throat...will we hear or see her heartbeat? Is she okay? Will there be fluid? It's a far cry from the typical "How much weight have I gained THIS time?" type worries I had in my pregnancies with Connor and Kylee.

The other thing I have learned, thanks to our journey with Caden, is that we are entirely powerless to control the outcome of this pregnancy. And if, heaven forbid, we were asked to go through another loss, He would get us through it. I praise Him through that uncertainty, and trust in His plan for this baby...praying that she gets to come home with us, but knowing if, at any point, we get bad news, we will celebrate our daughter's life for what it has been so far. This viewpoint is a blessing and a curse. We are soaking up each and every day that she is with us.

We will let you know what Friday brings. And in the meantime, thanks for your prayers.

Missing Caden

As some of you know, I have started my semester at William Jewell, teaching sophomore nursing students the art and science behind Health Assessment.

Typically, I teach in the fall, spring, and summer semesters of school. This year, however, I had arranged to take the fall semester more or less "off" from teaching because we were anticipating having a newborn in the house. When we found out we weren't going to get to bring Caden home with us, we decided keeping my teaching load to a minimum in the fall would still be a good idea...to allow me time to recover physically, mentally, and emotionally from all that the summer held for us.

While I was up on campus occasionally during the fall semester, I was really able to focus on things here at home. I realized as I was preparing to start my class this semester that I was, in another way, returning to "normal". I found that there was great comfort in that, but it was also hard. This return to teaching meant, in a way, that I was taking a step further away from losing Caden (this may sound crazy, but bear with me). I was going back to a familiar routine...putting on the professional attire, interacting with students who have no idea what I've been through in the last year...and it was a bit surreal and somewhat sad to enter this new phase of our grief and recovery. But I know it is time.

I met my class this week. As I was riding up in the elevator on the way to give my first lecture, the tears just started rolling down my face. "What on EARTH?!?!?!" I thought. Great timing.

I thought about it. The last time I taught this course, I was pregnant with Caden. I got to bring my precious boy with me to work. It was something I got to experience with him...and given that he didn't live outside of my womb, those intrapartum experiences are all the memories that I have with him. Outside of our sonograms with Jan, teaching class at William Jewell was one of the only "fun memories" that I have with Caden. Not that he did a lot of teaching (in the traditional sense, anyway), but he was there. WITH ME. Those days together are important for many reasons, and I think my emotion stemmed from the realization that I would miss having our precious boy with me as I stood at the head of the classroom.

Because of dismal Doctor's appointments, frustrating sonograms at the perinatologist's office, and dark moments of fear and doubt, I don't have a lot of happy memories of our time with Caden. Teaching at Jewell, where I was supported and loved by my colleagues, embraced by my students, and getting to do something that I have a great passion for, was a GOOD memory from this summer. Connor and Kylee have both spent time with me up at Jewell...and Caden got to do that, too.

Taking one more step towards a "new normal" is something that I am grateful for. But I am also grateful, as Caden's Mommy, that I had the opportunity today to realize how much I miss him. The "missing him" is different because I didn't know him while he was alive and on the outside of my womb. There aren't many experiences I recall with him that make me reflect on my pregnancy and how wonderful it was to have him inside me...but today, I had that moment. Realizing that there is something we used to do together and that I'm going to miss was very powerful.

Our God works in strange and wonderful ways.

A Special Announcement

Good Evening!

We are starting off the New Year with some special news....

As we went through our pregnancy and delivery with Caden, we were constantly searching for some meaning in or the purpose of our hurt. We don't believe that God puts you in those circumstances without wanting you to DO something with your experience...because, unfortunately, others will encounter a similar hurt some day. So, we asked "How can we serve those that will follow us?".

It's amazing how God answers prayers. He brought us a trip to Build-A-Bear with Connor and Kylee, which I wrote about last summer. They were both given the opportunity to create a special bear in memory of Caden, courtesy of our friends Doug and Polly Hare. They loved it. An idea was born.

After some brainstorming and idea-sharing, we are excited to announce the formation of "Caden's Cubs"...a special project through which we hope to provide that same experience for other families with other children who have said goodbye to or are anticipating the arrival of a terminally ill baby. Through Caden's Cubs, we will provide these families with a gift card to Build-A-Bear for each sibling, with which they can create their own special bear or animal in memory of their baby.

Build-A-Bear has generously offered a discount to Caden's Cubs for the purchase of gift cards. Even more amazing has been Patti Lewis, who, through Alexandra's House, has set up a mechanism for supporters to make tax-deductible donations to Caden's Cubs through the Alexandra's House website.

If you're ever so inclined, or would like to purchase a bear for siblings you know through "Caden's Cubs", you can donate at http://www.alexandrashouse.com/ and designate "Caden's Cubs" in the memo line of your donation. Then you can e-mail us at cadenscubs@gmail.com and tell us about your loved ones and provide us with their address. We do the rest.

We are planning to start small...primarily working through referrals through Alexandra's House. We hope to some day expand, as resources allow, to offer this special family time to others outside the Kansas City area. As it stands now, we trust that God will open the doors for families who can be served through this ministry. We are humbled to have already been contacted about two families who would like to create bears in honor of the babies they are expecting...that are not expected to live. We will work out details and specifics as we move along and see what fine-tuning we need to do, but feel honored to be able to use our experience to help others...and of course, to see Caden's legacy continue.

We are excited to provide some small joy for others, specifically the siblings of a sick baby, as it was provided for Connor and Kylee in such a difficult and trying time. We also want these families to know that we will be praying for them...as so many have prayed for us.

Another chapter begins...

2009 Has Arrived!

Happy New Year!

Today has found all of us in our pajamas, enjoying our new Christmas presents and not having to leave the house. It is a welcome reprieve from the hustle and bustle that the holidays bring.

We had a great Christmas and New Year's. We hosted my family here on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. It was so much fun to have Santa make the trip here to our house and the kids had so much fun opening up their gifts and having company in the house. The highlight of their Christmas was preparing Santa's special milk and cookies and putting out reindeer food for Rudolph and company in the yard. Brandon, being the good Daddy that he is, then went out late on Christmas Eve and devoted no small amount of time to creating sleigh and reindeer "tracks" in the snow in our front yard. It was great!

On the morning of December 26th, we headed on out to KCI and spent the day travelling to Hillsborough, NC, where we spent the weekend with Aaron and Rachel and Justin, Mary, and family (Brandon's brother and sister-in-law). Connor and his cousin, Drew, played nonstop and had a great time together. Amy and Beth, our twin nieces, were also on hand and it was amazing to see how much kids grow in a year! We enjoyed lots of food, family time, and of course, more presents during our time with the Carlson family. The kids were real troopers as we encountered several delays both on the way to North Carolina and on the way home. Fortunately, they still get so excited about getting to be on an airplane that sitting for hours in an aiport is still worth it. More pictures of all that excitement to come. :)

Caden was well-remembered this Christmas. Santa brought Connor and Kylee each a teddy bear in memory of Caden. I received a beautiful necklace charm with a picture of Caden on one side and a teddy bear on the other, which I wear proudly. We each received angel ornaments from Granny Loretta and Grandpa Bob in California. We did end up with a fifth stocking on our mantel. We received one with a gift in it, and Kylee hung it up (you can see it second from left in the picture above), figuring that's just what you should do with a stocking. Although it didn't fit quite right, I left it there, deciding that five stockings on the mantel was all right with me...and marvelling at how, once again, with their innocence and natural zest for life, my children can help me face my giants in a way that is much more bearable than if I had to do it on my own.

We rang in the New Year at our traditional Chase/Blakemore/Carlson gathering. Our two little ones were zonked out cold just before the clock struck midnight. We had a great time hanging out with our friends and watching the kids play together. We learned this year that Trena makes a mean Pina Colada. Yum!

Brandon has been off work this week, and it has been so nice to relax and enjoy some family time together since we got home. The Christmas decorations are put away, the laundry is somewhat caught up, and we greet 2009 with hope and optimism. We conquered so many things in 2008 and are so grateful for God's presence with us throughout (what we hope was) the most difficult year of our lives. We carry the legacy of our precious Caden with us into the New Year, believing that he will continue to make a difference in the lives of others for many, many years to come.

May God bless you and keep you this year.