It Is Finished

Caden's garden is FINISHED.

Grandpa and Grandma Carlson have been brainstorming with us for months about a bench for the garden.  We talked about several different ideas, and then they sent us a picture of this bench....and we knew instantly that it was perfect.  The bench was purchased right around Caden's birthday this year.

"Those we have held in our arms for a little while, we hold in our hearts forever."

This year, things bursted in full bloom, filling our yard with bright colors and flowery smells.  We can see it directly out our kitchen window and it brings a smile to our faces every time we look at it.

Many friends and family members helped bring Caden's garden to life...we love the garden not only because of what it means to us in remembering Caden, but because of what it symbolizes in terms of those who love and support us...in good times and in bad.  We look at each plant and remember who gave it to us....and it warms our hearts every time.

So, once again, thank you, friends and family.  We love you!

Facebook Update

We've just expanded our presence on Facebook!  Check out the new Caden's Cubs group and join us by going here:

http://www.facebook.com/groups/cadenscubs

Our most important goal is to provide love, support, and encouragement to those who most need it, and this should help us better establish that kind of a community.  Not only will you be able to hear from us, but all of you can better interact with each other, too.  Let us know if you have any trouble, or have any other suggestions.

Many thanks to Sarah!

We Miss You, Baby Boy!

Today is the day.  June 30th.  Three years ago, we held our precious Caden in our arms for a few hours.  We caressed our son's silky hair, touched his soft skin, and kissed his little cheeks.  We counted his tiny toes, held his little hands in ours, and covered him in love.  We watched, for a brief while, our three children together.  It is a day that will be forever etched into our souls.

Our hearts hurt.  The kind of hurt that never goes away.  But we know that even in times of pain, without a doubt, God is with us.  We know we will never understand why we have been led down this path, but we have learned to trust that there is a purpose, and that, somehow, some way, good will come from this journey.  There is a hole in our family that will never be filled.  Yet, we are filled with hope at the promise of seeing our son again soon and spending eternity alongside him.

Thank you to those of you who have loved Caden right along with us...Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Friends....we are so grateful for the ways in which you keep Caden's legacy alive.  Caden continues to be a big part of our daily lives, with Connor and Kylee being continually insistent that there are four children in our family.  We love it that they incorporate Caden into their prayers at night and talk about him regularly.  The picture above is a piece that Kylee created at school this year when asked to write about her favorite tree.  She chose to write about the Magnolia tree in Caden's garden:  "This is my favorite tree because it stands for my baby brother and it is old." Hadley has gone out into the garden a couple times this year and it is incredible to reflect on the significance of her being amongst the flowers and shrubs that celebrate her older brother's memory.  Caden is very much with us.

Caden Adair, we miss and love you so much.  You have touched us in ways that words cannot express and we are so thankful for the lessons that we have learned as a result of our journey with you.  While we will forever wish our journey with you had moved in a different direction, we trust that what we have learned on this path will bless us.  We know, even though we can't see you, that you walk with us.

You are forever our little angel.

Sonogram Day

Today was the third anniversary of our sonogram where Caden's condition was diagnosed.  It seems crazy to us that this much time has passed since we were sitting in our midwife's office and then, just an hour later, waiting to be admitted to the hospital for further evaluation.  This day, in some ways, is almost as difficult as Caden's Heaven Day...because, to us, March 30th is the day we lost the hope of bringing our son home.

It is true that time heals all wounds.  However, I still have those moments where pain sears my soul as I wonder why it wasn't God's will for our baby to walk on this earth.  At times, my arms still feel so empty.  I am struck by the magnitude our baby's ministry...he fufilled his life's purpose without ever leaving the womb.  Pretty incredible when you think about it.  I try to focus on that instead of the "whys" that surround him not being here with us.  Because honestly, you can make yourself crazy with the "whys"...and we have come to believe that there are just some "whys" that we'll never understand.

The plants in Caden's garden are starting to turn green, and a few daffodils provide a bright yellow highlight amongst the remnants of winter.  They remind me that there is sunshine in the midst of heartache.  Our sunshine is the knowledge that Caden is waiting for us...and we will be reunited someday.

In the meantime, we continue to put one foot in front of the other, because, as those of you who have walked a similar journey know, that's just what you do in situations like these.  Caden's name comes up frequently in family discussions and Kylee has asked me, more than once, "Mommy, do you wish that Caden was here with us?"  It means the world to me to know that he is very much alive in all of our hearts.

I wish that we had enjoyed the time that we had him with us more...that's easy to say in hindsight.  At the time, we were so hurt, confused, and anxious about all the unknowns that it was impossible to enjoy the pregnancy.  Sometimes, I lay in bed and remember what it was like to feel him doing his gymnastics at 2:00 am.  I miss him.

Caden Adair, we love and miss you...each and every day.  And although time heals all wounds, your presence in our lives and hearts will not be diminished by the days, weeks, months, and years that pass until we are reunited again.

Thanks for being our precious angel.