Sonogram Day

Today was the third anniversary of our sonogram where Caden's condition was diagnosed.  It seems crazy to us that this much time has passed since we were sitting in our midwife's office and then, just an hour later, waiting to be admitted to the hospital for further evaluation.  This day, in some ways, is almost as difficult as Caden's Heaven Day...because, to us, March 30th is the day we lost the hope of bringing our son home.

It is true that time heals all wounds.  However, I still have those moments where pain sears my soul as I wonder why it wasn't God's will for our baby to walk on this earth.  At times, my arms still feel so empty.  I am struck by the magnitude our baby's ministry...he fufilled his life's purpose without ever leaving the womb.  Pretty incredible when you think about it.  I try to focus on that instead of the "whys" that surround him not being here with us.  Because honestly, you can make yourself crazy with the "whys"...and we have come to believe that there are just some "whys" that we'll never understand.

The plants in Caden's garden are starting to turn green, and a few daffodils provide a bright yellow highlight amongst the remnants of winter.  They remind me that there is sunshine in the midst of heartache.  Our sunshine is the knowledge that Caden is waiting for us...and we will be reunited someday.

In the meantime, we continue to put one foot in front of the other, because, as those of you who have walked a similar journey know, that's just what you do in situations like these.  Caden's name comes up frequently in family discussions and Kylee has asked me, more than once, "Mommy, do you wish that Caden was here with us?"  It means the world to me to know that he is very much alive in all of our hearts.

I wish that we had enjoyed the time that we had him with us more...that's easy to say in hindsight.  At the time, we were so hurt, confused, and anxious about all the unknowns that it was impossible to enjoy the pregnancy.  Sometimes, I lay in bed and remember what it was like to feel him doing his gymnastics at 2:00 am.  I miss him.

Caden Adair, we love and miss you...each and every day.  And although time heals all wounds, your presence in our lives and hearts will not be diminished by the days, weeks, months, and years that pass until we are reunited again.

Thanks for being our precious angel.