The Holidays

As those of you who have dealt with loss in your life already know, the holidays can truly be a mixed bag.

I will speak first to the joy that comes with getting to celebrate the holidays with friends and family...and especially, of course, our three beautiful children who are with us here on earth.  Watching them anticipate the holidays warms my heart to a degree that words cannot express.  We decorate the house, bake, make Christmas wish lists, open a new window on the Advent calendar every night, and literally, count the days down until Christmas is here.  I love our kids' enthusiasm for this magical time of year and I love it that we spend the holidays TOGETHER.

Throughout all this, however, my heart aches.  I wonder if I will ever be able to fully experience the joy of Christmas without Caden here with us.  I am afraid that I won't.  Which, in itself, is a good and bad thing.  Good because it means that Caden's memory will always be a strong presence in my heart and life.  Bad, because that's another thing that I will grieve.  When you lose a child, you grieve the loss of their life, but you also grieve the loss of ability to live life normally.  You'll find a "new normal" and move forward, but the "pre-loss" life no longer exists.  That goes out the door the minute you discover that one of your children will leave this earth before you do.

The moments when I realize that I'll never get to watch Caden open a Christmas present sear my soul.  I dream of seeing him in his footie pajamas (he would have been 2 right now) with his little hair all messed up after a good night's sleep.  I long to see him interacting with Connor, Kylee, and Hadley...playing with his favorite Christmas present (or perhaps whatever it was wrapped in) in front of the fireplace right here in our family room.  I want to hear the hustle and bustle another pair of little feet would bring into our kitchen.  My heart grows still as I realize this is a dream that won't ever come true for our family.

For those of you who know exactly what I mean, please know that you are in our hearts and prayers this season.  For those families who have experienced a miscarriage and are grieving the baby they've never met, we are praying for you.  For those who have just learned that their baby will grow angel wings shortly after birth, our hearts hurt with yours.  For those who are spending their first holiday without their precious one, we grieve with you.  For those of you who have celebrated, year after year, with a member of your family watching over you from heaven, we lift you up.

I read in a devotional this week that broken vessels are uniquely crafted to carry grace.  It was one of those phrases that hit me at my core.  I would definitely consider myself a broken vessel...first and foremost, because I am human, but I am also broken as a result of specific experiences I have had in my life, the first of which is telling one of my children "goodbye".  But the perspective that the particular way in which I am broken allows me to carry grace in a way that is meaningful is such a comfort to me.  With all the cracks and crevices, and despite all the Christmas dreams that will never come true, God has equipped us, through our experience with Caden, to carry grace.

May the grace and promise of Jesus' birth touch you in the way that you need it most this season. 

Happy Holidays.