Missing Caden

As some of you know, I have started my semester at William Jewell, teaching sophomore nursing students the art and science behind Health Assessment.

Typically, I teach in the fall, spring, and summer semesters of school. This year, however, I had arranged to take the fall semester more or less "off" from teaching because we were anticipating having a newborn in the house. When we found out we weren't going to get to bring Caden home with us, we decided keeping my teaching load to a minimum in the fall would still be a good idea...to allow me time to recover physically, mentally, and emotionally from all that the summer held for us.

While I was up on campus occasionally during the fall semester, I was really able to focus on things here at home. I realized as I was preparing to start my class this semester that I was, in another way, returning to "normal". I found that there was great comfort in that, but it was also hard. This return to teaching meant, in a way, that I was taking a step further away from losing Caden (this may sound crazy, but bear with me). I was going back to a familiar routine...putting on the professional attire, interacting with students who have no idea what I've been through in the last year...and it was a bit surreal and somewhat sad to enter this new phase of our grief and recovery. But I know it is time.

I met my class this week. As I was riding up in the elevator on the way to give my first lecture, the tears just started rolling down my face. "What on EARTH?!?!?!" I thought. Great timing.

I thought about it. The last time I taught this course, I was pregnant with Caden. I got to bring my precious boy with me to work. It was something I got to experience with him...and given that he didn't live outside of my womb, those intrapartum experiences are all the memories that I have with him. Outside of our sonograms with Jan, teaching class at William Jewell was one of the only "fun memories" that I have with Caden. Not that he did a lot of teaching (in the traditional sense, anyway), but he was there. WITH ME. Those days together are important for many reasons, and I think my emotion stemmed from the realization that I would miss having our precious boy with me as I stood at the head of the classroom.

Because of dismal Doctor's appointments, frustrating sonograms at the perinatologist's office, and dark moments of fear and doubt, I don't have a lot of happy memories of our time with Caden. Teaching at Jewell, where I was supported and loved by my colleagues, embraced by my students, and getting to do something that I have a great passion for, was a GOOD memory from this summer. Connor and Kylee have both spent time with me up at Jewell...and Caden got to do that, too.

Taking one more step towards a "new normal" is something that I am grateful for. But I am also grateful, as Caden's Mommy, that I had the opportunity today to realize how much I miss him. The "missing him" is different because I didn't know him while he was alive and on the outside of my womb. There aren't many experiences I recall with him that make me reflect on my pregnancy and how wonderful it was to have him inside me...but today, I had that moment. Realizing that there is something we used to do together and that I'm going to miss was very powerful.

Our God works in strange and wonderful ways.

A Special Announcement

Good Evening!

We are starting off the New Year with some special news....

As we went through our pregnancy and delivery with Caden, we were constantly searching for some meaning in or the purpose of our hurt. We don't believe that God puts you in those circumstances without wanting you to DO something with your experience...because, unfortunately, others will encounter a similar hurt some day. So, we asked "How can we serve those that will follow us?".

It's amazing how God answers prayers. He brought us a trip to Build-A-Bear with Connor and Kylee, which I wrote about last summer. They were both given the opportunity to create a special bear in memory of Caden, courtesy of our friends Doug and Polly Hare. They loved it. An idea was born.

After some brainstorming and idea-sharing, we are excited to announce the formation of "Caden's Cubs"...a special project through which we hope to provide that same experience for other families with other children who have said goodbye to or are anticipating the arrival of a terminally ill baby. Through Caden's Cubs, we will provide these families with a gift card to Build-A-Bear for each sibling, with which they can create their own special bear or animal in memory of their baby.

Build-A-Bear has generously offered a discount to Caden's Cubs for the purchase of gift cards. Even more amazing has been Patti Lewis, who, through Alexandra's House, has set up a mechanism for supporters to make tax-deductible donations to Caden's Cubs through the Alexandra's House website.

If you're ever so inclined, or would like to purchase a bear for siblings you know through "Caden's Cubs", you can donate at http://www.alexandrashouse.com/ and designate "Caden's Cubs" in the memo line of your donation. Then you can e-mail us at cadenscubs@gmail.com and tell us about your loved ones and provide us with their address. We do the rest.

We are planning to start small...primarily working through referrals through Alexandra's House. We hope to some day expand, as resources allow, to offer this special family time to others outside the Kansas City area. As it stands now, we trust that God will open the doors for families who can be served through this ministry. We are humbled to have already been contacted about two families who would like to create bears in honor of the babies they are expecting...that are not expected to live. We will work out details and specifics as we move along and see what fine-tuning we need to do, but feel honored to be able to use our experience to help others...and of course, to see Caden's legacy continue.

We are excited to provide some small joy for others, specifically the siblings of a sick baby, as it was provided for Connor and Kylee in such a difficult and trying time. We also want these families to know that we will be praying for them...as so many have prayed for us.

Another chapter begins...

2009 Has Arrived!

Happy New Year!

Today has found all of us in our pajamas, enjoying our new Christmas presents and not having to leave the house. It is a welcome reprieve from the hustle and bustle that the holidays bring.

We had a great Christmas and New Year's. We hosted my family here on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. It was so much fun to have Santa make the trip here to our house and the kids had so much fun opening up their gifts and having company in the house. The highlight of their Christmas was preparing Santa's special milk and cookies and putting out reindeer food for Rudolph and company in the yard. Brandon, being the good Daddy that he is, then went out late on Christmas Eve and devoted no small amount of time to creating sleigh and reindeer "tracks" in the snow in our front yard. It was great!

On the morning of December 26th, we headed on out to KCI and spent the day travelling to Hillsborough, NC, where we spent the weekend with Aaron and Rachel and Justin, Mary, and family (Brandon's brother and sister-in-law). Connor and his cousin, Drew, played nonstop and had a great time together. Amy and Beth, our twin nieces, were also on hand and it was amazing to see how much kids grow in a year! We enjoyed lots of food, family time, and of course, more presents during our time with the Carlson family. The kids were real troopers as we encountered several delays both on the way to North Carolina and on the way home. Fortunately, they still get so excited about getting to be on an airplane that sitting for hours in an aiport is still worth it. More pictures of all that excitement to come. :)

Caden was well-remembered this Christmas. Santa brought Connor and Kylee each a teddy bear in memory of Caden. I received a beautiful necklace charm with a picture of Caden on one side and a teddy bear on the other, which I wear proudly. We each received angel ornaments from Granny Loretta and Grandpa Bob in California. We did end up with a fifth stocking on our mantel. We received one with a gift in it, and Kylee hung it up (you can see it second from left in the picture above), figuring that's just what you should do with a stocking. Although it didn't fit quite right, I left it there, deciding that five stockings on the mantel was all right with me...and marvelling at how, once again, with their innocence and natural zest for life, my children can help me face my giants in a way that is much more bearable than if I had to do it on my own.

We rang in the New Year at our traditional Chase/Blakemore/Carlson gathering. Our two little ones were zonked out cold just before the clock struck midnight. We had a great time hanging out with our friends and watching the kids play together. We learned this year that Trena makes a mean Pina Colada. Yum!

Brandon has been off work this week, and it has been so nice to relax and enjoy some family time together since we got home. The Christmas decorations are put away, the laundry is somewhat caught up, and we greet 2009 with hope and optimism. We conquered so many things in 2008 and are so grateful for God's presence with us throughout (what we hope was) the most difficult year of our lives. We carry the legacy of our precious Caden with us into the New Year, believing that he will continue to make a difference in the lives of others for many, many years to come.

May God bless you and keep you this year.