Hints for Healing: Trying Again

Brandon and I have both felt compelled to do better about updating this blog more regularly.  God has really been tugging at our hearts, letting us know that we need to be doing more to encourage and support the families we serve through Caden's Cubs.  We also want to support others who may have found this blog by Googling everything possible to try to make sense of a terminal diagnosis or loss of a child as we did following our diagnosis with Caden.

So, as a way to begin this effort, we thought we would post a series of blogs dealing with ways that we have personally found healing after our loss.  I will post some and so will Brandon, because, as we all know, men and women grieve and heal differently.  Some of these things may work for you, others may not.  What we do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is that everyone walks the journey to healing in their own way.  What we also believe to be true is that it is better not to walk the journey alone.  Although others mean well, we have found that the best encouragers, for us, are those who have had similiar experiences with loss.  Because there is nothing....NOTHING....that compares to losing a child.

I write this first post to you two days before Hadley's birthday, so it seems natural to begin an outline of our journey towards healing with her.

If you have experienced the loss of a child, you know that people (very well-meaning people), say REALLY dumb things in an attempt to console you.  During our pregnancy with Caden, there were several people who, in the spirit of encouragement, said things like "Don't worry, you can always try again", or, "At least you have two healthy children already".

These things were not helpful.

As I carried Caden, it took every ounce of my energy to cope with my thoughts and feelings surrounding the comprehension of not getting to bring our baby home.  The roller coaster ride was unending.  I'd find a small spark of joy just in time for my next Doctor's appointment, which would bring me crashing back down to the reality of what we faced.  It was miserable.  We were so grateful for Connor and Kylee, of course, but we wanted Caden with us, too.  Not another baby.  Caden.

I distinctly remember at one of my last Doctor's appointments, the Doctor looked at me and said "give yourself a month or so after delivery and then you can start trying again".  I felt like she was saying "This one is messed up, but that doesn't mean you can't get it right the next time".  Ouch.  I felt that it was disrespectful to Caden to even think about another baby.  I had to give him my all.

But I did wonder.  I wondered if we'd have the strength to try again.  To put ourselves out there and risk another loss.  A very wise mentor of mine, who lost her daughter to Potter's Syndrome, advised me..."don't try again unless you know you could go through the same thing all over again".  Her words shocked me.  Surely, if you went through something this awful once, it made you exempt from future trials and losses.  Surely it did.

One thing you learn as you move through an experience like this is that God's concept of "fair" may not be our concept of fair.  Therefore, our ideas about what we should be asked to endure are just that....ideas.  The reality can be much different.  Another thing you learn is that no matter what you encounter, God is there with you and His ability to sustain you, even when you are teetering on the edge of despair, is nothing short of incredible.

The moment I gave birth to Caden, I knew that I wanted to try again.  No matter what that meant.  No matter how many losses we'd endure, or how long it took, I had to try.  While it was absolutely beautiful to meet our baby boy, I couldn't have that silent birth be my last memory of childbirth.  Seeing the Doctor's face as she said "I'm so sorry, but I can't feel a heartbeat".  The look on Brandon's face when we realized that our hopes and dreams of just a few minutes with our boy while he was alive had been dashed.  Calling our family to say "Don't rush here, just come when you can.  He's not alive."  That couldn't be the last chapter in our book of having babies.

I knew it.

While I knew it, I still wondered what was the "right" way to go about it.  Should we wait a year?  I felt like we needed to give Caden his due time and acknowledgement.  If I got pregnant again, would we remember Caden in the way that we wanted to?  Would people think we were trying to replace him?  What is something went wrong?  Could we handle it emotionally, knowing what we knew now about how these stories can end and hearing so many stories from others who had experienced devastating losses at different points in their pregnancies?  Could I handle it physically?  What about Connor and Kylee?  What about our friends and family, who had endured this loss right along with us.  Was it fair to ask them to hope and pray for us again?

We contemplated.  I was ready.  Brandon was a lot more hesitant than I was.  I will let him explain that in his portion of this series.  Being a man of logic, the numbers were important to him.  The genetic counselor had told us that what had happened with Caden was a "fluke"...that there was no reason to think that it would happen again.  But we knew that a fluke could occur at any time, and probably didn't have much concern about striking twice in the same place.  It was hard.  I was also frightened that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant.  We knew of families who had lost their babies and had tried for years to have another baby with no success.  I couldn't bear the thought of wanting something so badly and not being able to have it.  We'd never had trouble conceiving before, but I knew that there were no guarantees in this business.  That thought was more frightening to me than almost any other.  What if God said "no"?  Could I be content?

My midwife offered me birth control.  I took the prescription for the pills, knowing that I would never go to the pharmacy to fill it.  Brandon was okay with that.  A couple months after Caden was born, he gave me roses...2 red (Connor and Kylee) and one white (Caden).  The card said something to the effect of "let's try again".  We were like-minded.  We believed that experiencing a loss hadn't changed our fundamental desire for another child.  We prepared to begin another journey, not knowing where the road would lead us.

One morning in early November, just over four months after having Caden, I took a pregnancy test.  Brandon was at work.  I hopped in the shower while the stick worked its magic.  The entire time I was showering, I prayed that God would give me the strength to accept whatever the results were, knowing that I would need colossal strength with either result.

I stepped out of the shower, dried off, and wrapped my hair up in the towel.  I felt incredibly calm.  I peeked at the bathroom counter.  I took one step closer.  My heartbeat accelerated.

There were two pink lines.  One dark, one faint.

I collapsed on the bathroom floor on my knees, tears streaming down my face, saying "Thank you, Lord.  Thank you."  I knew that regardless of the outcome, the opportunity to create another life was precious.  God said "yes!".

I was elated.  I think I enjoyed the feeling for at least 3 hours before I started worrying.

More on that to come.

Caden's Cubs Now on Facebook!

Hello, everyone!  In an effort to increase our networking with other folks and organizations with similar goals and experiences as ours, we've recently joined the masses on Facebook.  You should be able to find us simply by going to Facebook and searching on "Caden's Cubs".  If I've got everything set up correctly, all of our blog posts from now on should automatically be posted up on our Facebook page, too.  Please let us know if you notice any problems with all of this.  Otherwise, feel free to stop by either location!