4 Years

4 years ago right now, we were leaving the hospital after telling our baby boy good-bye.  Riding out of the maternity ward in a wheelchair, empty handed, I felt relief at the prospect of getting to go home, and, of course, extreme sadness to be going home without my baby.  I held, in my lap, a small wooden box filled with a lock of Caden's hair, moldings of his hand and footprints, and the measuring tape they had used to see how long he was.  Friends had given us the box so we wouldn't have to leave the hospital entirely empty handed.  I was so grateful for that box.  It would be months before I could look through its contents without feeling like I was reliving our "silent birth" experience all over again, but in the years since Caden's heaven day, I have pulled it out often to look at his hair and touch the outfit that he wore.  These physical reminders bring such comfort.

There are certain things about time passing that makes grief lessen.  The emotions aren't as fresh, the pain not quite as searing.  However, time passing also means that's another year we haven't gotten to celebrate a birthday, watch our boy grow, or learn more about his personality.  We should be deciding where to send him to preschool this year....not missing him terribly.

I received a card from a friend and former co-worker in the mail this morning.    She is always so good to remember this day.  Her words said "Your kids are getting so big, but we are thinking about the one who is missing."  Those words touched my soul deeply.  There is a hole in our family that will remain there forever.  There still aren't many roadtrips where I don't think about how amazing it would be to have 4 carseats in our van.  How nice it would be to request a table for 6 instead of a table for 5 at a restaurant.  How I would love to buy Christmas presents for 4 kids.

In those moments of longing, I am quickly reminded of how blessed we are.  There aren't words to express our gratefulness for our 3 beautiful children who are here with us, and for the ways in which God has enabled us to memorialize Caden in our lives and family.  We are so thankful for the friends and family who are praying for us today, cherishing the life of our baby boy along with us.  We are grateful for the lessons our journey with Caden taught us and continues to teach us daily.  One of our babies was received into heaven 4 years ago today.  In a quiet hospital room, amongst great heartache, an angel was born.  A piece of heaven came into our lives.  We celebrate this journey in the midst of our sadness.

Caden Adair, thank you for allowing us to hold you in our arms for a few brief moments.  More than that, thank you for holding a place in our hearts forever.  You are missed and loved in a way that words cannot express.