Hello.
I am writing tonight to ask for your prayers. It has been a rough week for me. I think the garden dedication, while providing a great deal of closure for me, also dug up a fair amount of grief and sadness...in that fresh sort of way that it hit me right after Caden was born.
I struggle because, while I do believe with all of my heart and soul that God is with me, I feel as if He is just standing there, watching me. Not intervening. Not even comforting, necessarily. I have a strong sense that He is right beside me...however, I wish He would reach out, hold me, and show me some true joy.
Selfishly, I cannot help but reflect on the incredible and painful sacrifice He asked us to make. We were denied any time with our son after making a decision (to continue the pregnancy despite a terminal diagnosis) that we believed to be within God's will for us. It is a tough pill to swallow. I want a reward. And I, in a very human form and fashion, desire it NOW. After all, God has MY baby up there with Him.
We have been told by many who have also lost children that incredible things will happen in our lives as a result of this experience. Many of them also report having visions of their children in heaven or seeing signs here on Earth that lead them to believe that their child is happy and well. Today, I hunger for this sort of affirmation. Just like any parent, I wonder what my son is doing up there. I want to know that God sees the sacrifice we've made and that He's going to make it right for us.
I am so grateful to know that my son is sitting at the Father's feet. But, has God forgotten about those of us who are grieving here on earth? Caden's mother and father? His brother and sister?
The evil one would have me believe that I am forgotten. However, I know that I am not, but I seek His comfort and reassurance desperately. I want him to show me the rainbow behind the clouds. In a tangible, undeniable way.
I see the parallels to my own parenting. I can just hear God saying to me what I might say to Connor or Kylee..."When you choose a better attitude, I will help you." Folks...right now, I don't know if I have a better attitude in me. My tank is pretty empty.
After six months of extreme unrest, my soul longs for peace and joy that only He can bring. And I am going to have to find that in spite of enduring my worst nightmare...telling one of my children "goodbye" forever.
I know it will come. I pray it happens sooner rather than later. I believe He can bring it to me.
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Oh Lindsey,
ReplyDeleteMy friend- I am praying for some words to comfort you but I know that there is nothing that I can say that will make your pain go away. Please remember you are in my prayers. This raw pain you are feeling will unfortunatly resurface often, especially this first year. Don't be hard on yourself, it's only been 2 1/2 months since you had to tell Caden goodbye. You are a wonderful woman, mother, wife and friend and you WILL experience joy in your life again.
Tracy
Lindsey,
ReplyDeleteTears are in my eyes as I read this post tonight. I know exactly what that feels like and frankly, it sucks! Many of my journal entries from right after Jael's death are full of that "where is God" feeling. I honestly felt deserted! I felt like He was not comforting me. I felt like He had forgotten me too. I just wanted to "feel" Him desperately. I wanted Him to know how much I was hurting. You know what, it led to me being very bitter for several years!
I'll tell you what finally brought me around (and unfortunately it wasn't until 2 years later!) I did two in-depth Bible Studies. I did "Experiencing God" by Henry Blackaby and then I did "The Patriarchs" by Beth Moore. Neither one of them are about grief, but they are completely about God's Faithfulness.
Beth tells a specific story in The Patriarchs about Hagar. When she runs away from Abram and is in the desert. The scripture says, "The angel of the LORD found Hagar" Read the entire chapter of Genesis 16 to fully understand this story. A few verses down, Hagar gives God the name "El Roi" which means "You are the God who Sees me."
Oh, Lindsey, HE SEES YOU! And not only does He see you, but His heart is aching with you! For whatever reason, He knows that Caden's life was exactly the way that He purposed it to be! When I realized that God does see me, I had to believe that He does know exactly how I feel! He sacrificed His only son, he knows how you feel and He sees you!
I also studied the life of Abraham and Isaac and Jacob in that study. I learned so much about God's faithfulness. Abraham didn't necessarily experience God's faithfulness in His lifetime, but we have seen God's faithfulness in the pages of scripture since that time. It was exactly what I needed to learn that God is faithful, whether I see it in my lifetime or not. I either choose to believe that or I choose not to. If I choose not to believe that He is faithful and that His promises aren't true, then I choose not to believe in Him. That was a hard pill to swallow!
At that point, I decided that I absolutely believe Him. I believe everything He says in scripture, and therefore, I believe that He is faithful and fulfills His promises. Since that time, I have seen His faithfulness in my life in more ways than I can count!
I realized then that He was providing comfort, through all the people He surrounded me with. I wasn't allowing Him to comfort me directly, so he was providing it through other people! That is one of those hindsight things that I didn't realize until long afterwards.
Know tonight that you can absolutely trust God to comfort you, but you have to let Him! Pour your heart out to Him and get yourself in Bible Study! It may be the last thing you want to do, but the first thing you MUST do!
The only way to walk through this grief is WITH HIM!
You are still welcome to call me any time if you just want to "let it all out!" I can listen well.
I am praying for you each and every day and still praying for Disneyworld too. :)
Oh Sweet Lindsey,
ReplyDeleteI have never walked this lonely and heartbreaking road you are walking right now, so my comfort is so limited here. One truth I know for certain is this, God, who grieves with you and knows your pain, would never ask you to "get a better attitude" before helping you. NO WAY! He is carrying you now but the weight of your sacrifice is so great, it is hard to feel His strength. Two and a half months must seem like eternity without Caden, but it is likely that you are just starting to catch your breath and each breath hurts. I am praying for you my sweet friend, asking Him to send you rainbows of His Presence, that you feel His loving arms hug you as you sit and cry in His lap. In my lifetime of grieving other losses, He HAS given me sweet signs of His Presence and I knew it was HIM. I am asking for this for you. He will return joy to your heart and bring you peace. I can only imagine in my heavy heart how hard each day must be to continue moving forward with family life while the heartbreaking pain of one missing is still so fresh . You have my heart and prayers Lindsey and I will be lifting you up to Him each time you come to my mind. I love you so very much and am walking this road with you.
Psalm 18:6
I called to the Lord in my distress, and I cried to my God for help. From His temple he heard my voice, and my cry to Him reached His ears.
I wish I could be there to give you the biggest Love Hug. You need many of them today.
Praying, Laurie in Ca.
Just stopping in this afternoon to let you know I am thinking about you and praying for you. Asking the Lord to touch you and let you feel His presence with you and His breath upon you Lindsey. This is such a rough time for you and I wish I could come and give you a huge hug. Will a cyber one do?? ~~~*HUG*~~~ Asking Him to fill your tank back up with His joy and peace and love.
ReplyDeleteLove and Blessings, Laurie in Ca.
Lindsey......you and Brandon and "the kiddos" are thought of and prayed for often and we want you to know that! Again, Isaiah 43:2-3 jumps out as a promise worth remembering and hiding in our hearts. We love you. Please feel our arms around you giving you a warm hug.
ReplyDeleteAunt Jane
Hi Lindsey,
ReplyDeleteJust thinking about you on this Friday noon and want you to know I am praying for you during this rough time. I hope your weekend is a wonderful one full of peace and joy.
I love you.
Laurie in Ca.
Hey Friend! Just wanted you to know I am praying for you and thinking about you. I am hoping this weekend has been good. Just wanted you to know!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Trena