10 Thoughts

Good Evening.

I came across this list on another blog this last week, and wanted to share it with all of you. I find it very poignant.

When speaking with my students about our experience, many of them have asked me..."What do I do or say when caring for someone who is dealing with loss?" I think this hits the nail on the head.

The timing of this is interesting to me...as we approach the holidays, I think it is important to remember that they are not necessarily all joyful for many families. While it is a wonderful time of year, it is also a time that reminds us in a very real way that those that we have said goodbye to will not be with us around the Thanksgiving table or opening presents with us on Christmas morning. Be it death, divorce, illness, job loss, financial hardship...whatever...the holidays can be a lonely and painful time. I pray for those families who are hurting this year and invite you to pray along with me.

At any rate, here is the list. I hope it will be especially helpful to those of you who are comforting someone who is hurting this holiday season and in the months and years to come. Maybe, if you are the one who is hurting, it will help to put words to some of your emotions.

Thank you, once again, to all those who have comforted us in so many, many ways:

1. BE THERE FOR ME. If you are my friend, reach out, talk to me, hold my hand, hug me. Know that even though we may say we are all right, we will never be all right again.

2. WE ARE DIFFERENT. Understand that what has happened will change us forever and if you are my friend, you will accept me for what I have become, for who I am now, a person with different goals and different priorities. What was once important to me may no longer have any meaning.

3. BE A GOOD LISTENER. We want above all else to talk about our loved one. To us, they will always be alive in our hearts, and we don't want others to forget them either. Don't be afraid to mention their names in our conversations. They were real people at one time, even though they are no longer with us. They had hopes and dreams we'd still like to share with others. Please don't pretend they never existed.

4. NO ONE ELSE KNOWS HOW I FEEL. We all grieve differently. Please don't tell me you know how I feel. You don't. Rather than asking me, "How are you feeling?" ask me "What are you feeling?" I can probably give you a more honest answer.

5. I MAY GRIEVE FOR A VERY LONG TIME. There is no set time limit to my grief. It may take me two years; it may take me five years. I have to do what is comfortable for me. Be patient. I will do the best I can in whatever amount of time it takes.

6. KEEP IN TOUCH. Call me once in a while. I promise to do the same. Invite me to lunch or to a movie. I will eventually go, because I will eventually feel better. Don't give up on me and don't forget me. I am trying to do the best I can right now.

7. I MAY CRY AT TIMES IN FRONT OF YOU. Please don't be embarrassed, and I won't be either. Besides being a natural emotion, crying is also a cleansing emotion. By crying I can relieve a lot of anger, frustration, guilt and stress. And best of all, I feel much better after a good cry.

8. I PUT A MASK ON FOR THE PUBLIC. Don't assume just because I am functioning during the day that I am "over it." I will never get "over it." I try to function normally because I have no other choice. You should see me when the day is over, and I am in the privacy of my own home and free to let my emotions out. My day mask comes off and I am just a mother, aching for her child.

9. SOME DAYS MAY BE OVERWHELMING. The slightest thing can trigger a bad time. It can be a song, a place I go, a holiday, a wedding or even smells or sounds. If I break down and start crying or seem to be in another world, it is because I am thinking of my loved one and longing for what I will never have again. I may need to try different things before I find what will be right for me in my new life. Encourage me to reach for the stars.

10. LET ME DO WHATEVER MAKES ME HAPPY. We will never forget our loved one. The pain never leaves. It just softens a little with time. We eventually function again, feel hope again, find joy in our lives. It is a long road that we travel, but with the help of friends and relatives who understand a little of how we feel and what we are going through, perhaps that road will lead to new paths to enrich our lives in new ways we never dreamed were possible.