It is incredible to me that Caden looks like he's just sleeping in this picture. This was the picture that Brandon took just seconds before we walked out of the hospital, leaving our precious angel behind in a little white basket.
It has been almost two years since we held our baby in our arms.
June is always a difficult month. The anniversary of my mother's death is on June 9th...and then we begin replaying the mess of emotions that we felt in 2008 in the month of June, culminating with Caden's Heaven Day on June 30th.
I distinctly remember coming home from the Doctor's appointment where we scheduled my induction. I thought it was a great cosmic injustice that choosing an induction date was synonymous with choosing the day we'd say goodbye to our boy.
Two years ago tonight, we were preparing to go to the hospital. Last minute arrangements were taking place...small details tended to so that when we came home with empty arms, we'd have nothing to concentrate on but healing. In the days before Caden was born, I remember going to the store to buy a sportsbra that I could wear to help reduce the pain from engorgement I'd experience after Caden was born. Brandon went and bought a black shirt to wear in our Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep pictures. Instead of picking out "I'm A Big Brother" and "I'm a Big Sister" shirts, we selected dark shirts for Connor and Kylee to wear, so that our pictures would look good. I would have given anything to be buying new blankets, or Dreft, or binkies, or diapers. But no. It was all so bleak. Planning for death at the same moment we anticipated birth.
Looking back, I wish that I'd spent more time rubbing my belly. Feeling Caden move. In the moment, I was so exhausted and emotionally spent that laying awake at night was frustrating. I tried to treasure each and every flutter, praying that everything would be okay. Begging God to let us have time with our son...the precious life I felt twisting and turning inside me...and not letting go of the hope that maybe, just maybe, we could bring our baby home.
But it was not to be.
The kids have had a very difficult time with missing Caden recently. Both have cried many tears in the last few weeks, missing their brother. We cry right along with them. We pray that Caden is happy up in heaven and remind each other that someday, we'll get to be with him again. It is interesting because they aren't necessarily aware of the anniversary that is approaching, yet the energy in our house flows differently, and they perceive that. A change in our household, that, while difficult, is one I hope will stick. The energy will flow differently with each year that passes, but I hope we continue to reflect on Caden being a part of our family every day, and especially as June 30th approaches each year.
Our baby is forever woven into the fabric of our hearts.
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