4 Years

4 years ago right now, we were leaving the hospital after telling our baby boy good-bye.  Riding out of the maternity ward in a wheelchair, empty handed, I felt relief at the prospect of getting to go home, and, of course, extreme sadness to be going home without my baby.  I held, in my lap, a small wooden box filled with a lock of Caden's hair, moldings of his hand and footprints, and the measuring tape they had used to see how long he was.  Friends had given us the box so we wouldn't have to leave the hospital entirely empty handed.  I was so grateful for that box.  It would be months before I could look through its contents without feeling like I was reliving our "silent birth" experience all over again, but in the years since Caden's heaven day, I have pulled it out often to look at his hair and touch the outfit that he wore.  These physical reminders bring such comfort.

There are certain things about time passing that makes grief lessen.  The emotions aren't as fresh, the pain not quite as searing.  However, time passing also means that's another year we haven't gotten to celebrate a birthday, watch our boy grow, or learn more about his personality.  We should be deciding where to send him to preschool this year....not missing him terribly.

I received a card from a friend and former co-worker in the mail this morning.    She is always so good to remember this day.  Her words said "Your kids are getting so big, but we are thinking about the one who is missing."  Those words touched my soul deeply.  There is a hole in our family that will remain there forever.  There still aren't many roadtrips where I don't think about how amazing it would be to have 4 carseats in our van.  How nice it would be to request a table for 6 instead of a table for 5 at a restaurant.  How I would love to buy Christmas presents for 4 kids.

In those moments of longing, I am quickly reminded of how blessed we are.  There aren't words to express our gratefulness for our 3 beautiful children who are here with us, and for the ways in which God has enabled us to memorialize Caden in our lives and family.  We are so thankful for the friends and family who are praying for us today, cherishing the life of our baby boy along with us.  We are grateful for the lessons our journey with Caden taught us and continues to teach us daily.  One of our babies was received into heaven 4 years ago today.  In a quiet hospital room, amongst great heartache, an angel was born.  A piece of heaven came into our lives.  We celebrate this journey in the midst of our sadness.

Caden Adair, thank you for allowing us to hold you in our arms for a few brief moments.  More than that, thank you for holding a place in our hearts forever.  You are missed and loved in a way that words cannot express.

Things God Has Done For Me

I always enjoy looking over the projects that the kids work on during the Sunday School hour in Church.  Today, Connor's task was to make two lists on a piece of paper.  One was "Things I Know About God" and the other was "Things God Has Done for Me".

The first thing on Connor's "Things God Has Done for Me" is: "Sent my brother to heaven."

I am inspired by this on many levels.  The first thing that touches me about this sentence is that God is again providing comfort with the knowledge that the spirit of our baby boy is still very much alive and well in the hearts of our family, and especially in the hearts of his siblings.  The second, and perhaps more profound lesson that Connor's work reveals to me is that his statement about Caden going to heaven was categorized as something that God did for Connor....as if it was a blessing.  A favor.  A gift.

Whoa.

I learn so much from our children.  Losing Caden isn't something God did TO us.  My oldest son has taught me that the Lord bringing Caden to heaven, to sit at the foot of His throne, to be surrounded by the splendor of His Kingdom...is something God did FOR us.  A piece of our family...one that we miss daily....has been called to his eternal dwelling long before the rest of us.  And while our hearts are filled with extreme sadness and longing....and while our earthly family feels incomplete because Caden isn't here....we have been given a gift.

What a perspective.  I am so, so grateful for the ways in which God speaks to us through our beautiful children....whether they are here....or in heaven.

I don't know that I'm entirely there yet like Connor is, but am thankful that God is patient with me.

Thank you, Lord, that there is no greater blessing than being in Your presence.