The Journey Continues...

Hello!

A trusted friend and colleague of mine suggested that I journal throughout this experience as a way to deal with the roller coaster of emotions that I feel on a daily basis....while I am too lazy to maintain a formal journal, I do agree with her that writing might be a good way for me to process things....so I will share how we are doing here, with so many of you who have been praying for us and for our son...

I asked Brandon in the car last night..."If someone else were where we were one month ago, what would your advice to them be?" He said "Ask LOTS of questions. Don't feel too afraid to ask ANYTHING. Doctors don't know everything and this is YOUR child." I agree. I said that I would also add to that "Be prepared to be looked at like you are COMPLETELY insane by every medical professional that you encounter."

I think that has been the most difficult part of this process for me. I am a member of the medical profession, and it is the members of my own profession that look at me as through I've sprouted an extra head when we say that we're choosing to continue on with this pregnancy. They tell me that they are "100% sure" that our son will not be able to survive outside my womb....as if that somehow means that his life is less precious than that of someone who is currently living on this earth....and as if we can be 100% certain about anything that deals with the human body. Yet at the same time, I know the medical truths...a baby who has no fluid around him is not going to have the "lung power" that he needs to breathe. It is a very difficult reconciliation to make....putting ourselves through these long months of waiting....only to tell our son good-bye....and yet, there is a part of both of us, praying for a miracle for this precious baby boy.

Many parents in our same position say that the time with their children, be it 2 minutes or 20 hours, is the most precious of their lives. We can't get ourselves there yet. The thought of laboring for hours only to leave the hospital with empty arms is, at this time, too much for me to bear. I spend a great deal of time thinking about the day that our son is born and how it will feel to look at him...and while I know God will give us everything we need in that moment, the pain is so sharp I can hardly breathe. I pray that in the coming weeks, God will prepare us in a way that we never wanted to be prepared...if that makes any sense.

We met with my obstetrician last week. I will have to see her once a month...mostly to monitor my health. They have said that they see no need to do any further sonograms or check the fetal heart rate at my appointments. I was mad when they said this...again, feeling like somehow our baby's life is completely insignficiant...but in my heart, I know the opposite to be true. So, I dust myself off, cry for about a day, and then move forward. Unfortunately, it is a routine we've come to know all too well in the past few weeks.

Tomorrow, we will meet with the neonatologist that will attend our delivery. Please say a prayer for us as I know this will be a difficult appointment, too. Doctors have said that babies that are delivered after 28 weeks are usually born alive, and that for this reason, we need to have a plan in place for what kind of interventions, if any, we want for our baby after he is born. Again, medical professionals look at us like we're crazy when we have said that we want him evaluated just to make SURE that there's nothing that can be done for him. So please pray that this neonatologist isn't just another person that will think we're nuts.

Later this week, we will meet with Patti Lewis at Alexandra's House, a perinatal hospice. I have spoken with her on the phone and think that she will be a wonderful resource for us. She has connected me with another Mom in the Kansas City area that lost a baby a year ago, and she and I have talked often, which has been good for me. As wonderful a resource as Alexandra's House will be, it is also dreadful to go to a HOSPICE for babies. Another moment when the nightmarish reality of our situation will set in.

Okay, so the positives...one of my colleagues and a very dear friend, Jan, has been doing sonograms for us on occasion. Not for anything at all medical, but just so we can watch our baby play. It is incredible. He kicks up a storm and has a profile that looks almost identical to Connor and Kylee's. He is growing at a relatively normal rate and has a strong heart rate. He likes to keep his hands up by his face. I feel him moving several times a day....what a miracle. I am now 24 weeks pregnant.

Connor and Kylee are doing well. I am sometimes overwhelmed with sheer emotion just from looking at them. They are so perfect and beautiful...and so loving and accepting of me even on the roughest of days. They, along with the prayers of others, are the life forces that keep me putting one foot in front of the other.

We thank you so much for all of your love and prayers. I ran across this quote today that I wanted to share with you: "Truly there is no hand so small that it cannot leave an imprint on the world".

Our son has already made an imprint on our lives and hearts, and we ask that you would continue to pray for him, and for us, as we move forward from here.