Good Evening.
I had an appointment yesterday with my OB and I was able to set our induction date as we were hoping to.
I will actually be going into the hospital (Shawnee Mission Medical Center) on the morning of June 29th, where they will start the process of preparing my body to deliver our son. Hopefully, after a day of cervical softening, they will be able to start the actual induction Sunday evening. The Dr. seemed optimistic that if everything goes like she thinks it will, our little man will be born at or around noontime on Monday, June 30th.
She has told me that I can have an epidural right away, so I won't have to feel any pain, which is a relief. She was very kind and supportive and said that she will be there to deliver us, which is also a relief. Dealing with the an on-call doc that we don't know would make a difficult situation even more difficult. If everything goes like they are thinking it will, I can come home Monday evening.
I was relieved to be able to set a date. But when I got home from my appointment, I fell apart. What parent wants to choose the date to end their child's life? I hope and pray that God has a different plan for our son. And while I struggle with scheduling the induction, we will be 32 weeks along, and I know that medically, "cooking" him for any longer won't make a significant difference in his ability to survive, so it then becomes a balance of maintaining sanity while doing the best thing for him. While I feel it is right, I once again struggle with the position we have been put in.
It has been a long road, and I think as the date gets closer, many things will become more real...I wouldn't have imagined they could, but I think they will.
What will he look like? Will he cry? Will he be born alive? How long will we have? CAN WE DO THIS? Questions we won't know the answer to until we're there. But I know God is with us, and we know that you all, our faithful prayer warriors, will pray us through it.
We have had several other not-so-fun decisions to make now that we know about when this precious boy will join us...
I called Alexandra's House, and they were able to give us the names of a couple funeral homes that will be able to help us with that aspect of things. It turns out that one in the area will do infant preparation and burial free of charge, which is wonderful. At this point, we are not planning to do a memorial service, as we feel that after delivery, we will be ready to spend time, at home, focusing on healing ourselves and spending time with our two beautiful children, rather than trying to work out details for a service....that may sound gruff, but it is where we are at for today.
We have talked and decided that we want to have the baby cremated, and we plan to spread his ashes over my Mom's grave in Great Bend. I know she wouldn't mind sharing her space....and that she will already be holding her precious grandbaby long before we physically place him with her.
Several of you have asked what name we have chosen for our son. His name will be Caden Adair. Another "C" for the Carlson Crew...Adair is a family name...my Grandpa Haneke and sister Sarah's middle name. Two very strong folks in our family. We figured it was a name worthy of this fighter.
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Again, as I said on the phone, I could not be more honored to share my name with such a blessing in all of our lives. He has taught us so much and strengthened our bonds as a family. Thank you so much for the blessing of sharing my name with such a courageous little baby boy. I will carry this pride with me always...love you all so much!
ReplyDeleteSweet boy, Caden. He's changed my life. He helps me cherish today.
ReplyDeleteJan
Caden Adair, such a special and strong name for your sweet little boy. I am praying and will continue to pray for all that is ahead for you. That he is born alive, you have as much time as you need with him, we know he will be beautiful. Most of all, God WILL help you do this. He promises this to you. Asking Him to help you in every decision and detail that is ahead of you. May your hope and joy be renewed each day.
ReplyDeleteLove and Prayers, Laurie in Ca.
You are amazing and YES YOU CAN DO IT. You are a great witness to following God's will and He will help you through. It is good you have planned for pictures of Caden. They will be important to you, your family and friends. You are in our prayers daily. Debbie and Richard Batliner (Ashley's Parents)
ReplyDeleteI stand in awe of you and the way you are handling this incredibly difficult thing set before you. I know that your faith is strong enough, and God is big enough to see you through everything that happens. You are showing to many that you will never meet, just how powerful God is. He knows that you can do this, or He wouldn't have given you this challenging path. Cut yourselves a lot of slack in the coming weeks, and just let the lesser things go by the wayside. My heart just hurts for you.
ReplyDeleteWe will keep on praying for all of you, and I know you'll get through. Wow. ELW
Somehow I think that God will color your vision for Caden and all you will see are his perfections and all the ways he looks like his creator, his dad, his mom, his brother and his sister. And he will be the most beautiful thing you've laid your eyes on! I am praying that God will turn down the volume on these questions that are racing through your head right now, so that on June 30th, you can only focus on the good. Thank you for sharing your heart with all of us - for being transparent in voicing the questions that we all struggle with and sharing with us the few answers that you do have and negating those that you don't. BUT, I agree, friend, that the list of questions for God when you see Him face to face continues to grow throughout this experience. Maybe, when we get to Heaven all the heartache and questions are supernaturally erased, since there will be no crying there. hold on to the Hope!!! Much love, Trena
ReplyDeleteJust stopping by this Friday morning to let you know I am thinking about you and praying for your hearts. Asking Him to give you peace in the struggles that are upon you. I do know that Caden is beautiful and you will fall in love with him forever. God does not make mistakes and He will help you do this. Know that my prayers continue.
ReplyDeleteLove, Laurie in Ca.
You both have been in my thoughts and prayers so much! I admire your strength and your faith in God. He does have a plan for you and he will get you both through this I know. I hope that Caden is born alive so that you, Brandon, and the kids can say "hello" and "goodbye". I think that would be a gift that would help sustain you through your greiving. Please know that there are so many people that care and have you in our prayers. You truly are an inspiration to us all!
ReplyDeleteLove, Karla Macken (from church)
Stopping in this Thursday afternoon to see how you are and let you know my prayers continue for you and for Caden. Asking for the Lord's perfect peace over you and your family today.
ReplyDeleteKeeping you in my prayers as June 29th draws near. May you receive more than you could possibly hope and pray for.
Love, Laurie in Ca.
To all of you --
ReplyDeletePlease know we cont. to pray for you all. I can not imagine the pain you are feeling. Many years ago when working in OB I helped couples deal with situations similar to this. I only wish I would have had the tools that are now available to help them. I know you are strong but I also know your grief will overcome you at times and it is OK to give yourselves permision to "do what ever it takes"to get through. My heart hurts for you both and your children. I am sending you as much strength and comfort as I can though my Gaurdian Angel. I hope you can feel it. Hugs -- Donna Ruble