I told Brandon that I was pregnant that evening after we had put the kids to bed. He was excited. We hugged tightly in the kitchen...the tension in our bodies was palpable. After that, we really didn't talk much about it. It was as if talking about it would only serve to increase our anxiety and longing for another baby that we couldn't allow ourselves to believe that we'd actually get to bring home. We did know that we weren't going to share our news with anyone until we could be at least reasonably certain that this baby was healthy. For almost 20 weeks, the secret was ours.
At 8 weeks, I had an appointment and we got to see our baby's heartbeat. For many couples, this is where the anxiety lessens. However, we knew that this was only the first step in a very long process for us. Hadley's heart was beating strong on the screen. We both took a deep breath. Step one...done. Even being in the doctor's office was an accomplishment for us. We felt so disillusioned with the medical community after our experience with Caden. Our OB practice had two locations and we chose to go to the location that was further away from our house because it was at the other location that we got all the bad news about Caden. The memories there were too fresh and we needed a clean start. The extra drive was an investment in our sanity (what precious little of it was left).
After our sonogram, we met with our nurse midwife who has been so good to us...the moment I saw her, I burst into tears. She hugged me and we sat in her office and talked, knowing that to be put into an exam room would make things harder for me (again, too many memories). She told me that we could be as high-intervention or as low-intervention as Brandon and I wanted to be in this pregnancy. We settled on moderate intervention...a Level 2 and triple screen at 12 and 16 weeks to rule out genetic issues and the presence of all the necessary "parts" and amniotic fluid.
Amidst a massive amount of anxiety, I felt tremendous relief. We knew that what had happened with Caden was orchestrated by God and had been decided at the moment he was conceived. Knowing this, I knew that our baby was already formed exactly as he or she was meant to be, and there was absolutely nothing we could do to control anything. No matter what, God was with us...and with our baby. I treasured every moment of my pregnancy. Caden lived his whole life in the womb and I was determined to treasure this baby's life from the start, too, in the event that something happened and this baby's life, too, was cut short. Whether we had this child for 2 weeks, 12 weeks, 20 weeks, or 50 years, I was going to be mindful of every moment.
Even before we were pregnant with Hadley, Kylee told us with great conviction that she was going to have a sister. She even went so far as to tell her Grandparents that she was going to have a baby sister. They questioned Brandon and I about it and we were honestly able to say (at that time) that we weren't pregnant. We admired her faith and conviction. She was adamant...to the point of picking out pink baby clothes in Target. It broke my heart as I hoped with everything in me that someday, she'd get to experience the joy of being a big sister. We so desperately wanted to see Connor and Kylee holding a healthy baby. Both kids continued to grieve Caden in a way that was profound and raw. There were many evenings that we sat together as a family crying and sharing Kleenex. There was a hole in our family that would never be filled.
We made it through our first holidays without Caden and it was tough. It was a great comfort to know that we were pregnant and being hopeful that we'd celebrate the next Christmas with our new baby helped to numb the pain at least a little.
January found us back in the perinatologist's office. We were about 12 weeks pregnant. We went back to the same practice that we'd gone to with Caden (why, I am not sure). Sitting in the waiting room was hell. I remembered all the times we'd been there before, only to receive bad news time and time again. I doubted...my palms were sweating and my heart was racing. Brandon sat beside me, wordless, and we held hands. We visited with the genetic counselor, who told us that there was no reason to believe we'd encounter similiar issues to those we'd had with Caden. Again, she took our family history and filled in all the boxes in our genogram. We were hardly listening. Back to the waiting room we went.
It was then time for our sonogram...it was to be a quick one just to measure the nuchal fold on our baby's neck. The nurse escorted us into the room. Seeing the room, set up exactly as it was when we had our sonograms with Caden, overwhelmed me. I lost it. The nurse comforted me and Brandon wrapped me up tight in his arms. I pulled it together and laid down on the table. The nurse put the gel on my stomach and there was our baby on the screen. Perfectly knit.
The results from the sonogram and from the blood testing came back normal. Still, we couldn't relax.
February found us back at the perinatologist's office at 16 weeks of pregnancy for our second Level 2 and more blood work for the Triple Screen. This was the sonogram where we would be able to see whether or not our baby had kidneys and a bladder along with all the other parts necessary to live. We would also see if there was enough amniotic fluid present. I could barely breathe. Our appointment fell right before my birthday. We still had not told any of our family that we were expecting and on this day, I wished that we had. I really needed the prayers of others. The Holy Spirit was praying for us and that was exactly what we needed.
I held it together as we entered the exam room. The nurse asked "Do you want to know if you're having a boy or girl?". I replied "We don't care. We just want to see kidneys and a bladder."
She began inspecting our little one, who, we noted right away, was swimming in a fluid-filled world, much to our relief. The fingers, toes, head, brain, heart, and finally...the abdomen...where she was quickly able to identify two kidneys. It took forever, it seemed, before she found our baby's bladder. She said that is wasn't as full as she wanted it to be, but it was THERE. The tears started rolling. Then, shortly after that, she ventured down south and was able to tell with no difficulty that our newest addition was a baby girl.
Kylee was right. God was bringing her a baby sister. And maybe, just maybe, we were going to get to bring our baby home.
More to come....
So glad to have met you both at Bowties for Babies...looking forward to reading more about your experience with Hadley.
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