Waiting for Hadley

I really didn't allow myself to truly believe that we were actually going to get to bring our baby home with us until around 27 weeks of pregnancy.

We had the typical 20 week ultrasound in March, which I have to admit was fairly anticlimactic.  Since we had the big Level 2 sonogram in February, it seemed like the 20 week ultrasound was a formality.  I had expected it to be very difficult given our experience with Caden.  We scheduled our sonogram the afternoon before we were leaving for vacation, so I think my mind was pre-occupied with all the arrangements necessary to leave town.  However, once I actually sat still in the waiting room, listening for my name to be called, once again, my palms started sweating and my heart raced.  What if the bottom dropped out from underneath us?  We had decided to bring Connor and Kylee with us to the ultrasound, feeling that they needed to experience a normal ultrasound after the devastation that they had witnessed at our 20 week ultrasound with Caden.  We saw our baby on the screen, but compared to the Level 2 sonogram, the picture quality on the machine in the OB's office was TERRIBLE.  We could hardly see a thing!  Honestly, though, the ultrasound technician was able to see Hadley's vital organs and determined that there was adequate fluid, which was all we cared about.  The greatly anticipated (and feared) 20 week ultrasound was over.  And we survived.

It helped that the next day, we left on a week long trip to Disney World. We had planned the trip because we really needed something MAGICAL after the year we'd had, and that is where Connor and Kylee asked to go. We had planned it months in advance, not knowing if I'd be pregnant. When we realized that the date of the trip would coincide almost exactly with our 20 week ultrasound, we deliberated about cancelling vacation, because we couldn't stand the thought of leaving town (and spending all that money) after getting bad news. But we decided to forego the trip insurance....and told ourselves that even if the news was bad, we'd still really need some time away. Our vacation was perfect and the kids had a ball. At the end of the trip, I even allowed myself to buy a little outfit for Hadley. It was the first thing I'd purchased for her. I still remember standing in the gift shop, debating. I finally pulled the outfit off the rack and marched up to the cash register before I could talk myself out of it. To this day, that outfit is one of my favorites.

It was business as usual at our house.  Our midwife suggested that we do another ultrasound at 27 weeks just to make sure that everything still looked okay.  That ultrasound looked fine, too.  It was walking out of that appointment that I found that I was finally able to breathe.  Really breathe....and imagine holding a healthy baby in my arms.  It was a great feeling.  I felt as if a weight had been somehow lifted.

It was short-lived relief.  Around this time, I began to panic that something would happen to Hadley.  Being a nurse, I will tell you that I am not normally a panicky type person.  However, all bets were off in this case.  We had heard stories from so many other families of tragedy striking in the last weeks of pregnancy...cord accidents, babies being born too early....I was constantly worried that I wasn't feeling Hadley move enough.  I knew it was irrational, but I couldn't help myself.  We were so close and I didn't know if I could bear it if something happened just when I had started to let my guard down.

My midwife was gracious enough to offer any ultrasounds or testing that I needed to make me feel better and assured me at every appointment that our baby was continuing to grow.  I trusted what she said about Hadley growing....at one of my appointments she was even able to help me feel a big pocket of fluid as she felt my abdomen to assess how Hadley was positioned.  I didn't opt for any additional testing, but it was a comfort to know that it was available if I needed it.  We set an induction date for July 21st, when I would be about 39 weeks along.  We chose that date because it was our midwife's day off and she would be able to devote herself fully to us.  This is the incredible, gracious woman that she is.  This woman had delivered Connor and Kylee, and saw us through all of our struggles with Caden, although she was not able to care for us after we received our diagnosis.  The lengths to which she went to accommodate us during each of our pregnancies are truly amazing.  July 21st was also my Grandpa's birthday.  Grandpa Haneke had a massive stroke in January, just prior to our diagnosis with Caden.  He passed away the following October, and it had been a long journey in between.  Caden, in fact, was named for this Grandpa, whose middle name was also Adair.  It was symbolic to us to have Hadley share a birthday with Grandpa.

We opted not to decorate a nursery before Hadley arrived.  Friends had graciously offerred to throw us a baby shower.  We declined, asking instead if we could do something after she was in our arms, safe and sound.  They understood.  A few people bought us things for the baby before she was born, but most people didn't.  It felt like everyone was collectively holding their breath for us.  About a week before she was born, we made ourselves pull out the baby stuff and begin washing it up.  I almost resented doing it, because I felt like preparing for Hadley's arrival was somehow making us more vulnerable.  It also made me realize what we'd missed out on with Caden.  It, like everything else, was hard.

As we assembled Hadley's cradle, I found tears welling up in my eyes.  Caden never got to sleep in the cradle.  There were so many other families that would give anything to be setting up a cradle in anticipation of a new arrival, but they weren't going to be able to because they, like us, would never get to bring their baby home.  All these thoughts and emotions swirled around inside of me.  It was so strange.  I felt guilty that our baby was healthy when I knew others weren't.  My heart ached for families who were losing their babies in the same instant we were preparing for ours.  A whole new world had opened up to us through our experience with Caden and we knew that the fairy tail ending didn't always happen.  And yet, I was hopeful...hesitantly anticipating seeing our little angel asleep in the crib.

The moment was quickly arriving.  We were just a week away from meeting our little girl.