Sweating for a Good Cause

Hello!

As I have mentioned in my previous post, some friends of ours approached us about creating a memorial garden for Caden. They have worked tirelessly to arrange everything, and the grand groundbreaking took place yesterday. We woke up to our dear ones out in the back yard, digging away. It was incredible and I wanted to share these pictures with you so that everyone can enjoy the fruits of their labor.

For those of you that don't know, our backyard is roughly the size of a football field. It is 1/2 acre in size. Seriously HUGE. Many people have peeked out at it from our kitchen and just stared at the sheer vastness of it. So, putting in a garden to fit the yard is NO small task. Our friends designed the perfect space with which to memorialize our precious boy. Overheard from one participant: "I thought we were just putting in a flowerbed!" This is a garden of amazing proportions. A true outdoor sanctuary. And it is absolutely incredible.

They started by digging trenches for the retaining walls:

If you were able-bodied, you were invited to join in the fun...Connor worked tirelessly ALL DAY. Really. It was incredible. Here he is with his friend Braden. 15 children of our friends that came to help were over at another friend's house, where two very brave women took care of them for the day so we could get this work done. Bless them.

The next step was tilling up the sod and then putting the edging around the garden:

One retaining wall done:

Two retaining walls done:

We have always had a deep appreciation for our friends, but let me tell you, we have a whole new level of appreciation for everyone that came out yesterday and sweated along with us (Brandon and I joined in the fun around noon). Folks worked tirelessly despite the 95 degree heat. And, they acted as if they were genuinely happy to be there. We also have a new appreciation for landscapers and, just level ground in general. We moved A LOT of dirt to get things to this point. Butch was our faithful tiller operator (props to Ron for being a worthy second string tiller operator) and he did an AMAZING job getting the ground prepared.

Here is where we left off. After about 50 bags of mulch, it looked amazing. The remainder of the planting will be done in September when the plants will fare a little better. Notice that the little bushes are in the shape of a "C".

Thank you to those of you who came to help, and thank you to those of you who supported us in spirit. We are so very, very grateful. I picture us sitting out in Caden's garden on a quiet evening, enjoying our beautiful surroundings and knowing that our baby boy is watching over us while we're doing it. I can't wait.

Blessings Abound

Hello...

This week has continued to be very rough for me on an emotional level. I don't know if anyone out there can relate, but I can generally go a few days feeling down in the dumps, and eventually, the MASSIVE MELTDOWN occurs. After several times of me answering "I'm fine" when Brandon asks what's wrong, he asks one more time (because he is an exceptionally patient and loving husband), and the dam breaks.

I admire his bravery in continuing to ask, because quiet frankly, dealing with the dam break is no fun for anyone...and if I were him, I might wish to avoid that. But he persists, knowing that eventually, the emotions will come rushing out, along with a great deal of whining, tears, and verbal diarrhea. Thanks, honey.

This week has actually been a good one for my wonderful husband. He got to go see the new Batman movie with our neighbor (rave reviews, by the way) AND, he is getting a new cell phone (this rivals our wedding day and the births of our children in terms of joy for those of you who don't know of my husbands love for gadgetry, particularly a good cell phone). I love it that my husband finds so much excitment in these things. He deserves it. Truly. But, as a result of this, I started feeling sorry for myself because I am currently craving some "happy things" in my world. So, the downward spiral began.

The dam broke and the meltdown occurred last night. Part of my meltdown resulted in somewhat of a realization (it is always nice when I can pull something constructive out of the verbal diarrhea)....that I am feeling very RESENTFUL right now.

Now, I am resentful about the obvious...continuing a difficult pregnancy and then not getting to hold my baby while he was alive. But I am also resentful about less obvious things...allow me to process with you all...

1.) My children are going to school in about three weeks. I had anticipated this being a wonderful time for me to bond with our new baby...and now, there's no new baby, and not only that, but I am sending my other two babies away (granted, the youngest will only be gone for 3 hours twice a week, but still!). I was not ready for an empty house, but now God going to make me figure out what to do with it. I feel like I have been asked to "figure out" enough. Ugh.

In talking with many people that have dealt with infant loss, we have noticed two means of coping....the first of which is getting a new family pet, and the second of which is a trip to DisneyWorld. This greatly amused us, because prior to hearing this, we had discussed the exact same methods of coping....

2.) We had contemplated getting a new dog....more or less so I will have something to nurture while my kids are away at school (plus, what is there in this world that sweet puppy kisses won't make feel better?). Now, I think that deep in my heart, I know a new dog probably isn't the right solution for us (we have been down to one dog for about 4 months now and it has been really nice, plus the potty training, the expense, the messes, yadda, yadda, yadda)....but, there is a part of me that defies logic and longs for SOMETHING little, furry, cute, and cuddly in the house. And, I know the kids would love it. We went to Petsmart last weekend and Kylee asked if she could have a chinchilla for her birthday. I think a dog would be a great alternative. Anyway, we can't get a dog right now because we will be travelling a lot throughout the next month or so. So, that idea is out for now. Ugh.

3.) We are not going to go to Disney. We have worked very hard over the last year to pay off our "bad" debt. We have been able to make decent progress, and so putting a trip to Disney on the credit card wouldn't be the most financially sound decision we could make. It sucks to have to be responsible at a time like this, but I know that, in the end, we wouldn't feel good about spending that much money on a vacation right now. But still, I resent that. Ugh.

4.) I can't fit into any of my clothes. I feel squishy, and once again, have been left wondering if my abdomen will ever resemble anything other than a muffin top. When a girl is down in the dumps, she does NOT need to stand in her closet contemplating which pair of elastic-waistband pants she is going to wear. This is much easier to deal with when you have a beautiful newborn in the house...and I don't. So I just get resentful. I know if I watch what I eat, I can lose the weight (although I am afraid that the muffin top is here to stay). However, I don't WANT to deny myself ice cream and french fries right now. But again, if I want to lose the weight, I must be disciplined. One might say, "but Lindsey, it has only been four weeks". But trust me, four weeks of alternating between the two pairs of pants that fit is enough for me. Plus, in a way, it is nice to have at least one aspect of this situation that I can do something to remedy. I just wish it involved consuming more grease and chocolate. Ugh.

I feel like, if God is going to put me in this situation, he needs to help me get through it. And sometimes it is hard to see how He is doing that. But then I look around me and realize how MANY wonderful people are praying for us right now. I see my husband sitting beside me in the dark, just listening. I watch my children play in the swimming pool, splashing without a care in the world. I get an e-mail from someone who is contributing to Caden's garden. I speak with another mother who lost her baby just a week ago and realize that, in fact, although it's all hard, each day does get easier. I am already being given the opportunity to comfort another, and God will use this situation for good....somehow. Through all of these people and things, He is helping me.

After my meltdown last night, I came downstairs this morning, puffy-eyed and praying for the strength to make it through one more day. I found a plate of eggs that Brandon had fixed for me, still warm on the counter. I noticed our kitchen smelled good, and I saw two beautiful lilies that my husband had bought for me last night sitting on our kitchen table in a vase. I am currently watching our two children hard at work coloring on our family room floor....

The blessings abound. I confess my resentfulness and am grateful that God has already forgiven me for it. I know that, despite the fact that I have told Him multiple times this week that He is a real jerk, He is still providing for us in ways we are not even aware of. And, I know that, as the tears roll down my face, our baby is Home.

I know that, while the most painful, this is the best blessing of all.

"God is able to provide you with every blessing in abundance, so that by always having enough of everything, you may share abundantly in every good work." 2 Corinthians 9:8

Hanging In There...

Hello...

It has been a good week so far. Mondays have been difficult for me since Caden's birth...since he was born early on a Monday morning, I tend to relieve the moment we realized he was not alive over and over again. But this Monday was different. Time moved relatively quickly and I found I wasn't totally sad. It was a welcome relief.

Then came Tuesday...and I kind of hit the wall. I was having what my husband refers to as an "off day". The tears stung the back of my eyes several times as the day progressed. My heart ached. I REALLY missed our baby. I know there are many that I could call in these sad moments, but sometimes, the words just escape me. And although I know that we are blessed with many friends that would just listen to me cry, there are moments that I need to grieve our baby on my own. But it is no fun.

Today has been better.

This emotional roller coaster is trying. Although I have dealt with grief before, grieving for your own child is an entirely different matter. We are also at that point now...nearing the one month mark....where many folks have gone on about their daily routine (as they should!), and we are left continuing to deal with the emptiness we have inside. It is the natural progression of things, and it is painful, but a necessary step in the process. Your continued comments on the blog warm our hearts...we are grateful that you all are still checking in. :)

One of the things we are able to think about now is a gift from our friends....several of whom have come together to organize a memorial garden for Caden. They will begin the work of preparing a space for the garden in our backyard on Saturday. We have been completely overwhelmed by their desire to help us memorialize our son in this way....and even more overwhelmed that they are willing to come on a HOT Saturday in July to work on it. :) Our friends have worked tirelessly....planning, visioning, shopping, purchasing, organizing....to make this space so special for us. I have no doubt that the finished product will be amazing. Stay tuned...

We still have not received our professional pictures of Caden. We are hopeful that we might have them in the next two weeks. Our photographer assures us that she is working on it.

I read a book last week..."I'll Hold You in Heaven". Jan brought it by for me and it was a spectacular read for someone in our situation. For anyone who has experienced abortion, miscarriage, or early infant loss, I'd highly recommend it. It was good to get back into something that is Scripturally based. I haven't been able to do any sort of Bible study in awhile, so it was a comfort to me to ease into the Word that way.

Speaking of spiritual matters, we went back to church for the first time on Sunday. We were welcomed with love...lots of hugs and "we're glad you're heres" were given to us. We held it together quite well (if I do say so myself) and it was good to be back at North Star. Going back to church was one of those hurdles that we needed to get over, and we did it. It felt a bit surreal to stand there singing a praise song, when inside, there is a part of me that is so sad. I know, however, that God knows exactly how I am feeling, and that brings me comfort. He knows I am trying. We talked about it afterwards, and going was more an act of obedience than anything else for us at this point, but if felt good. And it was such a blessing to be so well-received. We are grateful for our church family.

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Special Families

Good Afternoon!

I write this post with a heavy heart and am asking each of you who is still kind enough to check in on us to pray for some new friends of ours.

We came to know Greg and Shelly and Royce and Susan through Alexandra's House. It has been a rough summer for all of us. You know our story, and both of these families have their own stories as well, as they chose to carry their babies, both of whom had been diagnosed with Trisomy 18, to term.

Royce and Susan welcomed baby Gabriella into their lives on Saturday, July 5th. She has defied the medical community's odds in many ways....by making it to term, by surviving birth, and by now, surviving for two weeks. Royce and Susan were able to bring their precious pink bundle of joy home after just a couple days in the hospital. However, Gabriella is now having episodes where she stops breathing...resulting from her brain not telling her body to breathe....and these episodes are occurring more and more frequently. As you can imagine, this has been a very difficult time for Gabriella's family (she has a big brother and a big sister, too!), but they are such a testimony to God's strength as they share how much they are enjoying their short time with Gabriella here on earth. As Royce has said, she is "sprouting her angel wings" as heaven prepares a place for her.

Greg and Shelly, who have three older children, gave birth to their fourth child, Noah James, on Friday the 18th. Unfortunately, they are familiar with our pain, as their son was not born alive. They are now back home together, healing, grieving, and feeling empty. Hearing of their feelings instantly takes us back to the sheer rawness of emotion that occurs in the hours and days after telling your baby good-bye. And it breaks our hearts.

We are amazed at how, even though we have not spent much time with these families, we have felt instantly bonded with them as a result of the shared experience of carrying terminally ill babies first in our wombs and subsequently, in our hearts. We ask that you would say a prayer for these two families and thank you, in advance, for doing so.

Sparkles and Carl

We have been especially touched by a gesture that some friends of ours, Doug and Polly, made for Connor and Kylee. They wanted to offer each of the kids "something to hold", in Polly's words, that would remind them of their baby brother. We were very touched.

Our friends funded a trip to Build-A-Bear for our kids. Connor and Kylee each picked out a bear that would remind them of Caden. Connor picked "Carl" and Kylee picked "Sparkles". We have been encouraged to take pictures of things that we do to memorialize Caden, so we snapped some photos of this excursion.

This was such a great gift and we have been truly inspired by it. It was so fun to watch the kids enjoy picking something out and then dressing their bears with love...I have to admit that throughout this adventure, I had a lump in my throat....remembering our youngest and wishing that the kids could love on him directly instead of choosing something to hug in his absence.

The opportunity to do something specifically for Connor and Kylee was wonderful. In trying to meet the needs of ourselves and, of course, Caden, I have often found a huge need to make sure Connor and Kylee's emotional needs are met, too....but that can be difficult when my own emotional and physical energy is low. This was a wonderful way to do something just for THEM, as Caden's siblings. Just as it is important to remember big brother or sister when a new baby comes to the house, it is also important to remember siblings in a time of loss. We were grateful for the opportunity to do this with our children.

Thanks, Doug and Polly!

Welcome Home!

Good Morning!

We took off this weekend for a spur of the moment trip to St. Louis. My sister Sarah had some hotel points built up and she let us cash them in for a couple nights at a hotel (thanks, sis!), so The Carlson Crew was off and running (nothing gets us moving quite as quickly as something that is FREE!!!). We had a great time visiting the St. Louis Zoo and the City Museum. We got home late last night and will spend today in recovery mode...although Brandon had to go back to work like a real grown-up today, so Connor, Kylee, and I will enjoy recovery mode on his behalf. :)

It was really great to get away for a couple nights. I have to admit, however, that I was a little surprised by how much I missed Caden on our trip! Even though he never got to travel with us outside of my belly, we had gotten kind of used to having him along wherever we went. I missed that this time around. At the zoo, we (of course!), ran into two young mothers who were pushing newborn babies around. Seeing their babies' little feet peeking out of their strollers made my heart ache. Our experience makes me want to stop folks with newborn babies and just let them know how fortunate they are to have those tiny feet in their lives....

When we arrived home, we had some cards waiting for us. We read all of them and continue to be overwhelmed by all the folks who have extended their love and prayers to us. There was one card, though, that stood out to me last night...it says, quite simply..."Long before we're ready, we sadly say goodbye. But there are those, in a far more beautiful place, who are saying "Welcome Home." I thought this was exceptionally beautiful, and it caused me to stop and reflect on what our little Caden is up to right now and who might be saying "Welcome Home" to him....

Caden had two Grandmas waiting for him in heaven. My mother, Beth, and my grandmother, Elinor. I know they were standing there waiting for him when he arrived. Caden also has a Great Aunt, Mary...Brandon's mother's sister, who has received him with open arms. Caden has some smaller friends...other infants who were applauding his heavenly birth....Jael, Gianna, Jayke, Jeffrey, Danny....and he has friends who will be coming up to join him in God's time....Gabriella, Noah.....thinking of all these angels warms my heart. And let's not forget, Caden has a dog, Winnie, licking his face and probably stealing food right off of his heavenly plate. :)

We have received a great deal of comfort from families who have walked through this valley previously, and I am realizing that maybe another benefit of getting to know these amazing people is so that we can have a glimpse of who Caden is spending his time with in Christ's mansion. Doesn't every parent want to know a little about their children's friends? I am getting that privilege, even though my baby isn't here. And it is incredible. So many wonderful people, both big and small, saying "Welcome Home!" to our little man.

I am so grateful to know that Caden is surrounded by such love and hope. Selfishly, I pray that he will find some time to come and peek in on us every now and then...I am so grateful for our little angel...and all of his friends.

Some day, we will get to see our son again. I look forward to the day I get to hug him and hear him say "Welcome Home, Mom!".

Checking In...

We have been blessed with many visitors this week, and have also appreciated your phone calls, e-mails, and cards sent through the mail...all letting us know that you are thinking of us and continuing to pray. Thank you so much.

I have had really good moments, and really rough moments...which I know is to be expected. There are moments when I absolutely cannot stop the tears, and then moments when I get a glimpse of the peace that has eluded us since our diagnosis.

Brandon called our neonatologist, Dr. Hall, earlier this week. He was very reassuring to us. He said that he, too, was surprised that Caden wasn't born alive, and he intended to do some research on our situation to see if he could glean some answers about what might have happened. At this point, his best guess was that perhaps Caden got caught up in his cord. He did warn us that there might not be much data out there for him given that most people in our situation choose to end the pregnancy shortly after diagnosis. We shall see. We are fully prepared to not ever have an answer, but Dr. Hall's affirmation that the decisions we made were sound and provided our baby with the best chance possible is valuable to us.

Speaking of Brandon, he has had a good week at work, so thank you all for your prayers. He has felt blessed by everyone's response to him being back in the office. While his motivation level is still a bit low (understandably so), people have been very understanding and accepting, and he has found it helpful to have other things to focus on.

It has been hard for me to ride herd on the kids by myself. I am finding that my hormones are still fluctuating quite a bit, and my energy levels are fairly low by the end of the day (which is probably nothing new, but the exhaustion runs a bit deeper after all this, I guess). I think that the last 3 months, in many ways, is beginning to catch up with me. The kids have been excellent. We try to get out for at least a couple hours each day, which helps all of us quite a bit. I am sleeping very well at night, which makes a huge difference in how I am able to cope with things throughout the day. Physically, I am doing much better, so thank you all for your prayers for that, too.

A couple nights ago, I got the brilliant idea that we should watch our video of Caden's birth. My sister had taped it for us at our request, and I wanted to see what had been captured. Bad idea. We sat and watched it together, and it was as horrific as I remember it being. I have since reflected on that morning and realize that I felt completely forsaken at the moment we realized Caden's spirit had left his body. While I had hoped that the moment that Caden was born would be a peaceful one, instead, I felt that God had abandoned us as I looked at my lifeless son laying on my chest. I struggle with this because I do believe that God does not ever forsake us, but I question His purpose in that moment in particular. What would it have mattered to Him to give us just a few minutes with our son alive? Was He saving Caden from pain? What was the plan? We will never know. It is a tough one to reconcile.

I am hungry for God's presence...and yet, I feel a sense of resentment towards Him as I reflect on Caden's birth. I long to feel God's arms around me. I want to crawl up on His lap and sob. I want to feel joy in the truest sense again....I want to make it through a day without crying, but I also want the memory of my son to stay as fresh as it is today....

I have contacted an infant loss support group leader and we plan to attend a meeting next month. I am hopeful that will be a good resource for us as we continue to work through our grief. We have found great comfort in talking with other parents who have experienced loss, so hopefully attending the support group will be an extension of that.

Speaking of memories of our son, some of you have asked about our Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (NILMDTS) pictures...we did have them taken, and we are hopeful that we will get them in the next week or two. We will certainly share them as we are able. We are both really looking forward to seeing them, and yet, dreading it all at the same time. I break out sobbing just looking at the NILMDTS website...I can only imagine how I will feel when that precious baby in the picture is ours.

We thank you so much for continuing to support us through prayer and in so many other ways. We are so grateful.

Images of Our Precious One

We have received many pictures from our family members and just had to share some of them with you. What overwhelms me most about these pictures is not just how beautiful our precious Caden was, but also, the love that you see in his family's faces as they gaze at him. Our hospital room was so filled with love on June 30th, and the support we felt from our families both before and since Caden went to heaven has been, in a word, remarkable. We are forever grateful for the way in which our kin embraced our son, figuratively and literally. In most of these pictures, Caden is wrapped in a blanket that was made by his Great Granny Loretta.

Here you go:

Mommy and Son...I want to remember forever how soft his little head felt under my fingers...

Daddy's turn. There's just something about seeing an infant nestled in his father's big, strong arms...

Grandma and Grandpa Carlson...

And Grandpa and Grandma McKinney....

Here is Caden with Aunt Sarah, one after which he was named....

And, Uncle Jordan....

And, I can't sign off without one more picture of his AMAZING head of hair...

Sleep tight, precious angel.

Back to Reality...

Good Afternoon!

We are all sitting together here in our family room, eating some snacks and staring at the TV. This has become a bit routine for us this week, and I have to say, I don't mind it. We just got home from taking the kids for a swim at the local Community Center (well, the three of them swam and I sat on the side of the pool). It was so fun to watch Connor and Kylee try new things in the water, and it is always a joy to watch Brandon interact with the kids.

Aaron and Rachel (Brandon's parents) left on Thursday afternoon, and it was a bit strange having the house to ourselves again. I was nervous about how that might go...would not having extra people in the house magnify our sadness? While it was tough to see them go, we have enjoyed our time together at home....and although we have often commented on how much we miss our baby, this time of healing together as a family has been just what we needed.

Physically, this has been a tough week for me. As many of you know, a woman's body doesn't know whether or not the baby she's carried for 8 months survives or not, so I have dealt with all the typical discomforts of the postpartum period. Yesterday and today have been much better, which is a welcome relief. I have often struggled with the fact that my body is almost literally crying out for my baby, much in the same way my soul longs for little Caden.

And speaking of matters of the soul, I have also found myself grappling with the "what-ifs" surrounding Caden's birth. Not getting any time with him alive has been the thing we're both struggling with most. And then, as is so much my nature, I ask "What did I do wrong?" "If we had chosen a different path, would he have survived?" "Did we induce too soon?" Medically speaking, I know what the answer is, but as the mother of this precious baby, my heart wanders through these very dark tunnels. It is almost too easy to question decisions when one knows exactly how the story will end (you know, hindsight is 20/20)...which, of course, we didn't know until a week ago. My husband offers me great reassurance by pointing out that we made the best decision we could make with the information we had at the time. And he is right. We did the best we could. I must confess that it makes me angry to feel even the slightest guilt about our decision. The last three months have been the most painful in our family's history...if you go through that, shouldn't you get to walk away guilt-free? I think that not having answers about why Caden was stillborn is going to be more difficult than maybe I had imagined it would be.

And in the name of healing, Brandon will go back to work tomorrow. He is dreading it. He wonders how people will handle him...and is a bit fearful, I think, of people asking dumb questions or saying dumb things....but he knows, in his heart, that everyone means well. I am hopeful that it will be easier than he's thinking it will be, as anticipation is often worse than just diving in. If you think of it, please say a prayer for him. I think this is one situation where he might be grateful for the depersonalized environment of corporate America. :)

Connor and Kylee have handled all of this like true champions. They have been happy and full of life, which is just what their Mommy and Daddy need right now. They haven't said much about Caden...I am guessing that perhaps the questions will come later. We are so grateful that they appear to be coping with everything so well. Thank you all so much for your prayers for them. They have LOVED celebrating the fourth of July...Connor was totally into lighting the fireworks and watching them illuminate the sky, and Kylee, while a bit afraid of the noise, had a pretty good fourth, too.

One foot in front of the other, one step at a time...

Hour By Hour...

Good Morning. Brandon has done such a great job keeping things updated, but I have missed you all and wanted to take a turn. :)

I am feeling up to writing a bit...almost feeling as if I need to purge....you all have been such a receptive community and for that, we thank you. You have loved our precious baby Caden right along with us....

Although I knew that these days would be difficult, I had no idea just how painful they would be. My heart literally aches, and the tears burn in my eyes almost constantly. My body mourns the loss of our son, also....cramps, pains, tenderness....they all serve as a reminder that Caden is no longer inside of me. To ask a mother to tell her infant goodbye...it seems unreal to me, as I know it does to many of you. It just isn't nature's order, and although I know that God is sovereign, I can't help but question this call.

I hadn't realized how desperately I wanted Caden to be born alive. I am grappling with why God didn't allow us at least a few moments before He brought Caden to be with Him. I already know that I will probably NEVER get a reason why. I won't lie and tell you that I am okay with that. I simply am not. The look on Brandon's face when the Doctor told us Caden wasn't alive is one that won't soon be erased from my memory.

I wish I could convey to you how BEAUTIFUL Caden looked. His hair was my favorite part of him...a gorgeous color and absolutely silky soft. His little head was perfectly shaped, and his skin, although cold, was truly baby soft. His eyes were closed so peacefully, yet opening them revealed the deepest blue color you could ever imagine. His fingers were long, slender, and delicate. His little feet were also perfectly formed, with one little toe on his left foot that stuck up just a bit.

It was simply amazing to watch our family members embrace our little man. They held him so tenderly, with love reflected in their faces. It didn't matter that Caden's spirit wasn't inside his body...they showered him with love and acceptance and marveled right along with us at how perfect he was. Connor and Kylee each took turns holding him...how painful to realize that he will never get to run and play with them, but I know that he is watching over them from above. Connor really wanted to dress Caden, and carefully laid out and folded the onesie we had brought...he and Brandon worked together to get the littlest Carlson all dressed up. Now the onesie is in Caden's memory box, a true treasure.

Brandon and I were allowed some very precious time alone with Caden as well. We curled up in bed together, just the three of us, and we stroked his soft head and inhaled his faint baby scent before laying him in the basket for the last time. We knew, in those moments, that our struggles over the last three months had been worth it.

We went to the funeral home yesterday and that was a total nightmare. I know it's their job, but getting a sales pitch about purchasing family burial space just wasn't what we needed. We signed all the paperwork, and paid a bill that I had never fathomed paying...for the cremation of our precious son. Looking at his death certificate and seeing that the "never married" and "never employed" boxes were checked brought a great deal of pain, but I have to remind myself that such earthly pleasures are far beneath the splendor of heaven that Caden is experiencing right now. We picked out an urn that is a little teddy bear, and Alexandra's House will cover the cost of that for us as they assist us in memorializing our son. They offered us one last chance to see Caden, but we opted not to. A difficult decision, but we decided that the image of him resting peacefully in the white basket (the picture posted on our earlier blog), is the one we want to carry with us.

Looking at pictures of him is still so painful. I know that eventually, these momentos will bring me a great deal of comfort, but for now, they are symbols of something that has been lost. I talked with another Mom who has experienced infant loss, and she said "you just have to get through this, hour by hour." She's right. There's no way out but through it.

The day I left the hospital, it was bright and sunny out. As she wheeled me outside, the nurse said, "At least it could be rainy. That would be more appropriate, wouldn't it?" I don't know that I actually responded to her, but inside I thought, "No. My baby boy knows I need the sunshine on my face today."

Today is a rainy day. I guess God is crying with us.

Miracle of the Moment

We came across a song a few weeks ago that really spoke to us, and we wanted to share it with you. Steven Curtis Chapman simply has a way with words, and "Miracle of the Moment" is no exception: