Back to Reality...

Good Afternoon!

We are all sitting together here in our family room, eating some snacks and staring at the TV. This has become a bit routine for us this week, and I have to say, I don't mind it. We just got home from taking the kids for a swim at the local Community Center (well, the three of them swam and I sat on the side of the pool). It was so fun to watch Connor and Kylee try new things in the water, and it is always a joy to watch Brandon interact with the kids.

Aaron and Rachel (Brandon's parents) left on Thursday afternoon, and it was a bit strange having the house to ourselves again. I was nervous about how that might go...would not having extra people in the house magnify our sadness? While it was tough to see them go, we have enjoyed our time together at home....and although we have often commented on how much we miss our baby, this time of healing together as a family has been just what we needed.

Physically, this has been a tough week for me. As many of you know, a woman's body doesn't know whether or not the baby she's carried for 8 months survives or not, so I have dealt with all the typical discomforts of the postpartum period. Yesterday and today have been much better, which is a welcome relief. I have often struggled with the fact that my body is almost literally crying out for my baby, much in the same way my soul longs for little Caden.

And speaking of matters of the soul, I have also found myself grappling with the "what-ifs" surrounding Caden's birth. Not getting any time with him alive has been the thing we're both struggling with most. And then, as is so much my nature, I ask "What did I do wrong?" "If we had chosen a different path, would he have survived?" "Did we induce too soon?" Medically speaking, I know what the answer is, but as the mother of this precious baby, my heart wanders through these very dark tunnels. It is almost too easy to question decisions when one knows exactly how the story will end (you know, hindsight is 20/20)...which, of course, we didn't know until a week ago. My husband offers me great reassurance by pointing out that we made the best decision we could make with the information we had at the time. And he is right. We did the best we could. I must confess that it makes me angry to feel even the slightest guilt about our decision. The last three months have been the most painful in our family's history...if you go through that, shouldn't you get to walk away guilt-free? I think that not having answers about why Caden was stillborn is going to be more difficult than maybe I had imagined it would be.

And in the name of healing, Brandon will go back to work tomorrow. He is dreading it. He wonders how people will handle him...and is a bit fearful, I think, of people asking dumb questions or saying dumb things....but he knows, in his heart, that everyone means well. I am hopeful that it will be easier than he's thinking it will be, as anticipation is often worse than just diving in. If you think of it, please say a prayer for him. I think this is one situation where he might be grateful for the depersonalized environment of corporate America. :)

Connor and Kylee have handled all of this like true champions. They have been happy and full of life, which is just what their Mommy and Daddy need right now. They haven't said much about Caden...I am guessing that perhaps the questions will come later. We are so grateful that they appear to be coping with everything so well. Thank you all so much for your prayers for them. They have LOVED celebrating the fourth of July...Connor was totally into lighting the fireworks and watching them illuminate the sky, and Kylee, while a bit afraid of the noise, had a pretty good fourth, too.

One foot in front of the other, one step at a time...