Checking In...

We have been blessed with many visitors this week, and have also appreciated your phone calls, e-mails, and cards sent through the mail...all letting us know that you are thinking of us and continuing to pray. Thank you so much.

I have had really good moments, and really rough moments...which I know is to be expected. There are moments when I absolutely cannot stop the tears, and then moments when I get a glimpse of the peace that has eluded us since our diagnosis.

Brandon called our neonatologist, Dr. Hall, earlier this week. He was very reassuring to us. He said that he, too, was surprised that Caden wasn't born alive, and he intended to do some research on our situation to see if he could glean some answers about what might have happened. At this point, his best guess was that perhaps Caden got caught up in his cord. He did warn us that there might not be much data out there for him given that most people in our situation choose to end the pregnancy shortly after diagnosis. We shall see. We are fully prepared to not ever have an answer, but Dr. Hall's affirmation that the decisions we made were sound and provided our baby with the best chance possible is valuable to us.

Speaking of Brandon, he has had a good week at work, so thank you all for your prayers. He has felt blessed by everyone's response to him being back in the office. While his motivation level is still a bit low (understandably so), people have been very understanding and accepting, and he has found it helpful to have other things to focus on.

It has been hard for me to ride herd on the kids by myself. I am finding that my hormones are still fluctuating quite a bit, and my energy levels are fairly low by the end of the day (which is probably nothing new, but the exhaustion runs a bit deeper after all this, I guess). I think that the last 3 months, in many ways, is beginning to catch up with me. The kids have been excellent. We try to get out for at least a couple hours each day, which helps all of us quite a bit. I am sleeping very well at night, which makes a huge difference in how I am able to cope with things throughout the day. Physically, I am doing much better, so thank you all for your prayers for that, too.

A couple nights ago, I got the brilliant idea that we should watch our video of Caden's birth. My sister had taped it for us at our request, and I wanted to see what had been captured. Bad idea. We sat and watched it together, and it was as horrific as I remember it being. I have since reflected on that morning and realize that I felt completely forsaken at the moment we realized Caden's spirit had left his body. While I had hoped that the moment that Caden was born would be a peaceful one, instead, I felt that God had abandoned us as I looked at my lifeless son laying on my chest. I struggle with this because I do believe that God does not ever forsake us, but I question His purpose in that moment in particular. What would it have mattered to Him to give us just a few minutes with our son alive? Was He saving Caden from pain? What was the plan? We will never know. It is a tough one to reconcile.

I am hungry for God's presence...and yet, I feel a sense of resentment towards Him as I reflect on Caden's birth. I long to feel God's arms around me. I want to crawl up on His lap and sob. I want to feel joy in the truest sense again....I want to make it through a day without crying, but I also want the memory of my son to stay as fresh as it is today....

I have contacted an infant loss support group leader and we plan to attend a meeting next month. I am hopeful that will be a good resource for us as we continue to work through our grief. We have found great comfort in talking with other parents who have experienced loss, so hopefully attending the support group will be an extension of that.

Speaking of memories of our son, some of you have asked about our Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (NILMDTS) pictures...we did have them taken, and we are hopeful that we will get them in the next week or two. We will certainly share them as we are able. We are both really looking forward to seeing them, and yet, dreading it all at the same time. I break out sobbing just looking at the NILMDTS website...I can only imagine how I will feel when that precious baby in the picture is ours.

We thank you so much for continuing to support us through prayer and in so many other ways. We are so grateful.