Hello...
It has been a good week so far. Mondays have been difficult for me since Caden's birth...since he was born early on a Monday morning, I tend to relieve the moment we realized he was not alive over and over again. But this Monday was different. Time moved relatively quickly and I found I wasn't totally sad. It was a welcome relief.
Then came Tuesday...and I kind of hit the wall. I was having what my husband refers to as an "off day". The tears stung the back of my eyes several times as the day progressed. My heart ached. I REALLY missed our baby. I know there are many that I could call in these sad moments, but sometimes, the words just escape me. And although I know that we are blessed with many friends that would just listen to me cry, there are moments that I need to grieve our baby on my own. But it is no fun.
Today has been better.
This emotional roller coaster is trying. Although I have dealt with grief before, grieving for your own child is an entirely different matter. We are also at that point now...nearing the one month mark....where many folks have gone on about their daily routine (as they should!), and we are left continuing to deal with the emptiness we have inside. It is the natural progression of things, and it is painful, but a necessary step in the process. Your continued comments on the blog warm our hearts...we are grateful that you all are still checking in. :)
One of the things we are able to think about now is a gift from our friends....several of whom have come together to organize a memorial garden for Caden. They will begin the work of preparing a space for the garden in our backyard on Saturday. We have been completely overwhelmed by their desire to help us memorialize our son in this way....and even more overwhelmed that they are willing to come on a HOT Saturday in July to work on it. :) Our friends have worked tirelessly....planning, visioning, shopping, purchasing, organizing....to make this space so special for us. I have no doubt that the finished product will be amazing. Stay tuned...
We still have not received our professional pictures of Caden. We are hopeful that we might have them in the next two weeks. Our photographer assures us that she is working on it.
I read a book last week..."I'll Hold You in Heaven". Jan brought it by for me and it was a spectacular read for someone in our situation. For anyone who has experienced abortion, miscarriage, or early infant loss, I'd highly recommend it. It was good to get back into something that is Scripturally based. I haven't been able to do any sort of Bible study in awhile, so it was a comfort to me to ease into the Word that way.
Speaking of spiritual matters, we went back to church for the first time on Sunday. We were welcomed with love...lots of hugs and "we're glad you're heres" were given to us. We held it together quite well (if I do say so myself) and it was good to be back at North Star. Going back to church was one of those hurdles that we needed to get over, and we did it. It felt a bit surreal to stand there singing a praise song, when inside, there is a part of me that is so sad. I know, however, that God knows exactly how I am feeling, and that brings me comfort. He knows I am trying. We talked about it afterwards, and going was more an act of obedience than anything else for us at this point, but if felt good. And it was such a blessing to be so well-received. We are grateful for our church family.
Thank you for your continued prayers.
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Lindsey,
ReplyDeleteI know its hard when you brace yourself for the "Mondays" and seem to get through them well only to be blindsided by the "off days" when you least expect them. Unfortunatly this will be a reality that you will be faced with. You'll find yourself feeling strong during days you expect to have trouble only to find yourself falling apart a few days later. This is very NORMAL. I think it's your bodies defense mechanism kicking in that gets you through the tough days and when you feel safe enough to let your guard down the grief creeps back in and tucks at your heart. Remember, it's ok to let that guard down and tears are to be expected. You are right, this grief is like none other.
I'm glad you were able to go back to church and to feel some of the healing that being there provides. There is nothing like being surrounded by a loving church family.
I'm praying for you and am excited about the plans for Caden's garden.
Lindsey,
ReplyDeleteWhat wonderful friends to create a garden for Caden! What a huge blessing that will be. I hope there will be pictures posted once it is done? ;)
The good and bad days are absolutely normal. I hesitate to call them "bad" days though. Those emotional days full of tears and crying out to God are the days that provided the catalyst for my spiritual growth. Growing closer to God can never be a bad thing, even when we aren't sure we trust Him at the time. He will prove Himself trustworthy and faithful!
By the way, I just did a post last week on my other blog about the songs that were so difficult to sing at church on those first times back. I didn't feel like I could sing the words, because I didn't believe them. Now, they are my favorite songs! Hang in there!
Sending prayers up for you all tonight!
Lindsey,
ReplyDeleteI think about you all the time and pray for your days to be gentle. I completely agree with Tracy and Hope and the things they shared with you.
This is the New Normal that so many speak about on this road of healing. One month is just a blink of the eye when grieving losing someone so precious as Caden. I am glad for you to have been surrounded by loving and caring people on Sunday. It is a huge step on this road you walk. I love the idea of Cadens Garden and I wish I lived close enough to come and help. I love gardening and would love to contribute a little something to it. Would you mind sending me your address so I could send it to you when I get it? I look forward to Cadens' pictures when you post them. He truly is a beautiful little boy and so perfect. I continue to lift you up in prayer and also your friends you posted about. So many hurting hearts right now, it makes my heart heavy for you all. Just keep letting the tears flow when they come, it is exhausting but so healing for your soul. God collects them Lindsey and He loves you so very much.
Love and Hope, Laurie in Ca.
Hi--
ReplyDeleteThis is a time when you may feel like everyone else has moved on and left you in the dust to grieve alone. There is so much to say, but nothing left to say. Life goes on, but your world seems to stand still. You can't go around, over, or under this. You have to go through it. There are times when your prayers seem to be met with elevator music. But you just need to know that we ARE still praying for you, thinking of you, and that God is right there, all the time. He'll let you do the talking till you're all talked out. Peace will come slowly but surely. Hang in there!
ELW
I know you know this, but I just want to remind you that we think of you all and pray for you every single day.
ReplyDeleteLindsey, it was so good to see you, Brandon, and the kids at church last Sunday. I know it had to be extremely difficult, but I was so glad that your church family was able to let you know how happy we were to see you all and how much we care. I know you and Brandon will make it through this difficult time in your life and only through the Grace of God. He will be there. I wish He could take away all your pain, but like others have said it will lead you to a stronger spiritual path.
ReplyDeleteI'm so excited about the garden for Caden. What a wonderful idea and I hope you will post pictures. Lindsey, I hope it will bring you comfort to know that Caden will never be forgotten. Take care!
Karla