Remembering Our Caden

We have felt so blessed by the way that people have helped us memorialize our baby boy during the holiday season. There was a part of me that was fearful that maybe no one would be comfortable saying or doing anything to help us remember him, which couldn't be further from what we need.

Last week, I was talking with our good friend and sonogram angel Jan, who told us that Caden's story is being shared at the Liberty Women's Clinic...young women who are conflicted about their pregnancies are learning about our son...he is serving as an example of how precious life is...whether lived inside or outside the womb.

We have also received a couple of very special ornaments for Caden. A teddy bear from Paula, and an angel with Caden's name on it from Grandpa and Grandma Carlson, who buy our children ornaments every year. Another colleague of mine asked if we had an ornament for Caden and said that if we didn't, she wanted to buy us one.

A beautiful evergreen wreath arrived on our doorstep last week from our friends the Hoffmanns. Our friends' words on the card that came with it said "May this Christmas bring you a peace that passes all understanding". The tears rolled down my face as I hung the wreath on our front door. With its big red bow and fragrant needles, it is a symbol of the beauty of Christmas.

Today the Alexandra's House newsletter came to us in the mail. In it are stories of several babies who left this earth too soon, and in the midst of the newsletter was Caden's story. Seeing his perfect and beautiful face in print was overwhelming. We are blessed to share his story with others.

As we seek for the peace that passes all understanding, we know that our peace comes, in no small part, through the prayers of others. Please know that each and every gesture you make to remember our youngest son touches us in the deepest part of our hearts. The greatest gift of all is knowing that his life, however brief, had a purpose...and that he touched people with his strength, innocence, and heavenly presence.

5 Months

Wow. Five months ago today, we met our precious Caden Adair. Then, about 5 hours later, we told him "goodbye".

I suppose it might be a bit cliche' to say that we can't believe how quickly the time has gone. But I'm going to say it anyway. It has been five months since I felt our baby move inside me. Five months since I held him, smelled him, kissed him, and looked at him, trying to memorize every tiny detail of his face and body. Five months since I saw all three of our children together.

8 months has passed since we were diagnosed and told our baby would not live. And now, we prepare to face our first holiday season without our fifth member.

Thanksgiving went well. We travelled to Lindsborg and spent time with Brandon's family. It was a short trip, but a good one. The day after Thanksgiving, however, was really hard. The kids and I decorated the house for Christmas, which is always a sentimental time for me. Many of the decorations we put out belonged to either my Mom or my Grandma, who both LOVED Christmas. So, I think of them as I put things out...happy for the memories, but saddened because they are not here with us. The hardest part of decorating for me, though, was realizing that last January, as I put the decorations away, I did so thinking "Next year, we'll have a new baby in the house when I put these out!". Realizing that this wasn't so was not unlike being punched in the gut. I was supposed to have a little one with me. The Christmas music was supposed to be interrupted by a little one cooing or fussing. I was going to get to shop for three kids this year. Oh....

As usual, it was Connor and Kylee to the rescue. They were SO excited to put the decorations all over the house, and watching them sift through boxes while wearing their pjs...all of us warm and cozy together...made it possible for me to find joy in the midst of a painful day. We made a special Christmas ornament for Caden and hung it on the tree. They were both so excited to incorporate our baby into the preparations.

We have been told that many families who have dealt with infant loss find something symbolic that reminds them of their little one..common ones being angels, butterflies, or rainbows. We have found that our symbol for Caden is a teddy bear. I have always loved teddy bears, and it seems that they remind us of our special boy more often than anything else. I think that Santa will be bringing Connor and Kylee a little teddy bear in memory of Caden this year. It is nice to have some way to bring him into our Christmas tradition...because he is, of course, always in our hearts.

10 Thoughts

Good Evening.

I came across this list on another blog this last week, and wanted to share it with all of you. I find it very poignant.

When speaking with my students about our experience, many of them have asked me..."What do I do or say when caring for someone who is dealing with loss?" I think this hits the nail on the head.

The timing of this is interesting to me...as we approach the holidays, I think it is important to remember that they are not necessarily all joyful for many families. While it is a wonderful time of year, it is also a time that reminds us in a very real way that those that we have said goodbye to will not be with us around the Thanksgiving table or opening presents with us on Christmas morning. Be it death, divorce, illness, job loss, financial hardship...whatever...the holidays can be a lonely and painful time. I pray for those families who are hurting this year and invite you to pray along with me.

At any rate, here is the list. I hope it will be especially helpful to those of you who are comforting someone who is hurting this holiday season and in the months and years to come. Maybe, if you are the one who is hurting, it will help to put words to some of your emotions.

Thank you, once again, to all those who have comforted us in so many, many ways:

1. BE THERE FOR ME. If you are my friend, reach out, talk to me, hold my hand, hug me. Know that even though we may say we are all right, we will never be all right again.

2. WE ARE DIFFERENT. Understand that what has happened will change us forever and if you are my friend, you will accept me for what I have become, for who I am now, a person with different goals and different priorities. What was once important to me may no longer have any meaning.

3. BE A GOOD LISTENER. We want above all else to talk about our loved one. To us, they will always be alive in our hearts, and we don't want others to forget them either. Don't be afraid to mention their names in our conversations. They were real people at one time, even though they are no longer with us. They had hopes and dreams we'd still like to share with others. Please don't pretend they never existed.

4. NO ONE ELSE KNOWS HOW I FEEL. We all grieve differently. Please don't tell me you know how I feel. You don't. Rather than asking me, "How are you feeling?" ask me "What are you feeling?" I can probably give you a more honest answer.

5. I MAY GRIEVE FOR A VERY LONG TIME. There is no set time limit to my grief. It may take me two years; it may take me five years. I have to do what is comfortable for me. Be patient. I will do the best I can in whatever amount of time it takes.

6. KEEP IN TOUCH. Call me once in a while. I promise to do the same. Invite me to lunch or to a movie. I will eventually go, because I will eventually feel better. Don't give up on me and don't forget me. I am trying to do the best I can right now.

7. I MAY CRY AT TIMES IN FRONT OF YOU. Please don't be embarrassed, and I won't be either. Besides being a natural emotion, crying is also a cleansing emotion. By crying I can relieve a lot of anger, frustration, guilt and stress. And best of all, I feel much better after a good cry.

8. I PUT A MASK ON FOR THE PUBLIC. Don't assume just because I am functioning during the day that I am "over it." I will never get "over it." I try to function normally because I have no other choice. You should see me when the day is over, and I am in the privacy of my own home and free to let my emotions out. My day mask comes off and I am just a mother, aching for her child.

9. SOME DAYS MAY BE OVERWHELMING. The slightest thing can trigger a bad time. It can be a song, a place I go, a holiday, a wedding or even smells or sounds. If I break down and start crying or seem to be in another world, it is because I am thinking of my loved one and longing for what I will never have again. I may need to try different things before I find what will be right for me in my new life. Encourage me to reach for the stars.

10. LET ME DO WHATEVER MAKES ME HAPPY. We will never forget our loved one. The pain never leaves. It just softens a little with time. We eventually function again, feel hope again, find joy in our lives. It is a long road that we travel, but with the help of friends and relatives who understand a little of how we feel and what we are going through, perhaps that road will lead to new paths to enrich our lives in new ways we never dreamed were possible.

Trick or Treat, Smell our Feet...:)

Give us something good to eat! I must note here, that if our son were finishing this chant, he would conclude with something about pulling down your underwear if you don't...ah, television.

We had a great time trick-or-treating on Halloween. Our Halloween began with our traditional first stop at Grandma Paula's house. After that, we enjoyed dinner at the Blakemore's, and then the kids went and participated in a trunk or treat sponsored by a nearby church. We then headed up and around The Square, where again, the treats abounded. Above is a picture of Connor (pirate mummy) and Kylee (Tinkerbell) with Georgia (the flower fairy) and Georgia's friend, Tiernan (a bride).

The kids both made quite a haul. Now, three weeks later, we have polished off the "good" candy. Now the residual Smarties, Now N Laters, and Tootsie Rolls will sit in the cannister on our kitchen counter until Easter, at which time they will meet the bottom of the trash can in order to make room for chocolate eggs (which trump Smarties any day of the week in this house).

Prior to Halloween, the kids were excited to carve their pumpkins:

Kylee actually just painted hers, and then enjoyed making her own design with the carving tool (which resembled more of just a hole in the pumpkin rather than an actual jack-o-lantern face). However, over time, we have learned the hard way that it is certainly NOT in our best interest to advise our daughter on her artistic creations (particularly when she is holding a carving tool).

Connor and I were grocery shopping on Halloween. A man came on the loudspeaker and announced "Happy Halloween! Today all our pumpkins are FREE!". The pumpkins were in a big pile outside the front door. We already had our pumpkins for the kids. But...the word free invokes some kind of strange adrenaline rush in me. I looked at Connor, said "We've got to hurry!", and made a mad dash for the front of the store (I was somewhat impaired in my mad dash by my cart that was heaped with groceries). We abandoned the cart in the entryway of the store and ran outside. Connor picked his pumpkin (with me standing there chanting "Hurry, Hurry!"...I was afraid an innocent stocker was going to try to put our abandoned groceries away), and I picked out one for Kylee. Just what our cart needed...two huge pumpkins. But they were FREE! We paid for our groceries and went out to the car. I decided in that moment that I wanted to pick up one more pumpkin...for Caden. I debated, and then went and grabbed one more (after all, they were FREE!)...telling myself that really, decorations look better in odd numbers rather than even numbers. Later, I realized that it was okay to pick out a pumpkin for Caden...for no other reason than I just wanted to.

Now, our free pumpkins grace our porch. All three of them.

Reflections

It is a relatively quiet Sunday evening here at our house. Connor and Brandon are outside playing football (they went to the Chiefs game today and came home all pumped up despite another dismal loss), and Kylee and I are holding down the fort indoors. Ah, peace.

In anticipation of the holidays, I have been thinking a lot about Caden...and am wondering how this season will be for our family. Last year at this time, we were just finding out that we were expecting another little one, and spent the holiday season in anticipation of having three kids to celebrate the holidays with in 2008. Little did we know, we were beginning a different kind of journey with our third child.

I have been struggling a bit lately with handing situations over to God...and realizing that just because you go through something really trying and difficult in life, it doesn't mean that you are exempt from pain from that point forward (the last two years of our lives have made that much evident). We are both waiting to find some sense of tangible purpose in Caden's death...and some days are easier than others.

One morning a couple weeks ago, I was driving home from dropping Kylee off at preschool. I was listening to the local Christian radio station, and a Pastor was giving a mini-sermon on the air. Usually, I change the station (I do not share my husband's passion for talk radio) when this happens, but on this particular morning, I listened. The sermon was about having gratitude in any situation. That had my name all over it. I needed to listen.

The Pastor concluded his lesson by telling the story of God's promise to Abraham...that he would be blessed with more descendants than he could count. Of course, you may know that what makes this story most interesting is the fact that Sarah, Abraham's wife, was well past child-bearing age when God revealed this plan. The Pastor went on to say that God fulfilled His promise to Abraham, through the birth of a son and then many other descendants, but Abraham didn't live long enough to see the entire promise fulfilled (descendants that numbered more than the stars in the sky).

God always fulfills the promise.

But He may not choose to do that in my lifetime.

If He doesn't show me, His will is still perfect.

Hmmmm.....

This day gets even more interesting, because I heard the story of Abraham and Sarah two more times on THIS SAME DAY through different venues.

Wow.

I miss our baby terribly. Will we hang a fifth stocking on our fireplace this year in memory of a boy that is not with us? Buy a special ornament for Caden? Cry on Christmas morning because he isn't here with us? I don't know.

But, this I do know...God will be there to hold us as we feel our pain or sadness. I suppose that's all that matters. Hopefully there will be joy for us as we celebrate the birth of the Christ child. I hope that this holiday and birth celebration will begin a new phase of life and rememberance for us. In a season of hope, I will be making a conscious effort to acknowledge that God is with us, fulfilling his promises to us....and whether our Caden is with us or not, he is the fulfillment of a very special promise to us, as every child is.

For that, I am thankful.

Four Months

My brother sent me these pictures of the kids earlier in the week. They were taken outside the hospital as we all sat outside together on June 29th, waiting for the medications I had been given to induce labor to take effect (when you are facing infant loss, you get different privileges, like being allowed to sit outside in the fresh air during your induction).

These pictures strike an interesting chord with me. They are actually some really great photos of our kids. However, looking at them is, for obvious reasons, heartbreaking. In a way, these pictures show my children with an innocence that would no longer exist just 12 hours later...when they were brought into the hospital room to hold their baby brother who had already left this earth.

The picture of the two of them sitting on the picnic table is interesting to me. As Connor looks upward, Kylee looks more toward the ground. I feel this is an interesting parallel to the journey we have been on since losing Caden four months ago. Desperately looking towards heaven for comfort, and at the same time, feeling the weight of the situation dragging us down. As you look at this picture, you can see the peace in both of the kids' faces. Amazing.

This month has been a tough one. I said goodbye to my Grandpa on October 2nd. I have since been struggling to wrap my mind around the last two years...why on earth God would ask me to say so many good-byes to people that I love the most. I haven't found an answer to that one yet. I am struggling daily to feel His peace. Some days are better than others. The image of my Grandparents, my Mom, and my son all together in heaven is a beautiful one, but also one that evokes a certain amount of jealousy and sadness in me. Someday I will join them, but for now, I am blessed to be here amongst my family and friends on Earth.

I wonder what Caden's legacy will be. I have a sense that He was sent to us as a part of something bigger...and we are searching for what that legacy is. As I reflect on our experience, it seems a bit surreal that we went through such a long and painful process. In some ways, the pain is so fresh it feels like yesterday. On other days, it seems like it has been 4 years instead of 4 months. The newness of the grief is wearing off a bit, and in its place is a sort of grief that is almost more difficult to bear. It is the grief that occurs when you realize that your arms are empty, that right now, Caden would be 4 months old...receiving his second round of immunizations and learning to play with baby toys....the shock wears off and in its place is different pain.

I miss our baby. Connor opted to share about Caden on his show-and-tell day at school earlier this month. He took Carl, his Build-A-Bear that was created in memory of Caden, and a picture of him holding Caden to show his classmates. They asked great questions, and our oldest son fielded them like a champ. It was the first thing out of his mouth when he found out it would be his turn to share..."I want to tell them about Caden". I was able to be there when he shared, and it was incredible. Kylee asks, on occasion, to watch Caden's DVD. Sometimes I try to talk her out of it because I know it upsets her, but she is insistent on seeing her baby brother. We hold her and watch the images flash up on the screen. She now has her favorite pictures and her favorite songs on the DVD. She gets a Kleenex and settles in for a good cry. We shed some tears together (she often uses her own Kleenex to wipe Mommy's cheeks, too), trade hugs, and then she goes on with her playtime. Our kids teach us so much about life....and I am so blessed that they want Caden to continue to be a part of our daily lives. Sometimes we need to share him with someone who didn't previously know of his existence....and sometimes, we need to take a quiet moment to look at him and just cry because we miss him so much. It's all a part of healing.

I ask for your prayers as the holidays approach. When we found out we were pregnant, one of the first things we dreamt about was having three kids with us at Christmas. I know that this season will be hard as I mourn the loss of both Caden and my Grandpa. I pray for joy in the midst of sorrow. Hearing the Christmas story this year will hold a new meaning...Mary anticipating the birth of a son whom she would later watch on the Cross. While I would never pretend that I could even comprehend that moment in Mary's life....the death of her son....in some ways, I feel that we were called to make a similar sacrifice.

To our Caden...you are so deeply, deeply loved and treasured. Your presence in our family is not diminished because you are not here. We carry you with us each and every day...in our hearts and in our souls. We look forward to being reunited with you in heaven...when we can hold you, touch you, smell you, kiss you...get to know you outside the womb.

Thanks for being our precious angel.

A Different Kind of Healing...

Good Evening!

This last week has been full of fun for our family. I have been perusing petfinder.com over the last several weeks, sometimes out of a strong desire to adopt a puppy, other times just because looking at four footed little ones is fun. Last week, I stumbled across a litter of shepherd/lab/retriever mix puppies that happened to be right here in Liberty at the local animal shelter. Uh-oh.

With Brandon's blessing, I showed pictures of the puppies, who had been dumped on the roadside, to the kids. They decided they'd like to go and meet the puppies (big surprise). I talked with them about the responsibilties a puppy brings along with it (I could almost hear my parents delivering the same speech to me when I was a kid), and they both decided they were open to the challenge. Last Tuesday, the kids and I went and looked at the litter. There were five there...two yellow males, one yellow female, and two black and tan females. One of them, in particular, caught our eye. That very evening, we adopted and named Buster, an 8 week old male lab mix. He came home with us on Wednesday afternoon.

The next two nights quickly reminded us why we had originally decided not to get a puppy. Buster whined, scratched, and whimpered in his crate. However, the loud noises and lack of sleep at night was easily made up for by watching the joy in Connor and Kylee's faces as they played with Buster. Wicket, our eight year old mutt, although slightly less enthusiastic about the new addition, has handled it well.

Over the last several evenings, Buster has come to be okay with being in his crate, and is coming out of his shell (which means chewing on everything in sight). He seems quite happy here. It is nice to have something vibrant, cuddly, and adorable in the house for the kids to play with. Now, if only we could convince him to go to the bathroom outside all the time....but really, training a puppy seems a little easier after potty training two children.

It feels good to do something that allows us to move forward. We had put off doing something like this, believing that we just didn't have the time or energy to invest in it. I personally came to the point at which I decided I was tired of waiting...and was tired of asking our kids to wait...for something to bring a new sort of joy into our lives.

We are glad Buster is here.

Grandpa

Hello.

Just wanted to take a few minutes this evening to give you an update on my Grandpa. As you may recall, I had posted about him back in January when he suffered two strokes. It has been a very long 8 months for our family as we have sought the best possible treatment for him, both in Kansas City and in Great Bend.

My Uncle Craig made the decision about a week ago to move Grandpa to a Hospice Center in Salina, KS (www.hospiceofsalina.org). The place is beautiful and the care that Grandpa has received there has been nothing short of incredible. Craig moved Grandpa there with the intention of stopping his tube feedings, believing that continuing them was a violation of Grandpa's living will (he was receiving the feedings 16 hours a day as a sole source of nourishment due to being unable to swallow following the stroke). This was a decision that could be considered highly controversial by some, but Grandpa had always been very clear about NOT wanting to live the kind of life he was living following the stroke. We had hoped that therapy might help him rehabilitate, but results from therapy weren't what we had prayed for. Given all this, Craig approached us about discontinuing Grandpa's tube feedings at the end of October.

I was torn about discontinuing the feedings...knowing that Grandpa wouldn't have wanted them, yet at the same time, not wanting to play God. God heard our prayers...and while the answer was not easy to take, it is an answer we are grateful for. Over the weekend, while still receiving his tube feedings, Grandpa started having some difficulties breathing. On Monday, Grandpa slowly slipped into an unconscious state and has become less and less responsive. We got a call yesterday, and Sarah, Jordan, and I were told to come right away...Grandpa was fighting to breathe and his nurses didn't believe he had much time left. We drove to Salina last evening and spent the night at Grandpa's bedside. We spent the morning there and left in the early afternoon after taking some precious moments to tell our amazing Grandpa "goodbye". It hurts to see him go, but we know he is ready to shed his current body and be restored in heaven.

Grandpa is being medicated and kept comfortable. It looks like he wanted to do things on his own terms. Pretty typical of this strong man. Doctors predict that today was his last day on earth, but as a former oncology nurse, I know how hard it is to guess how much time someone has left on this planet. We shall see. I am back home, checking in frequently via phone.

As I laid beside Grandpa in bed today, I realized that by being with him in that moment, I was incredibly close to heaven...specifically close to my Mom, and, of course, Caden. Grandpa is going to be seeing them shortly. I asked him to greet my mother and son for me when he arrives at the gates. I have a feeling they are already calling to him, appearing above him, preparing to welcome him Home.

We will keep you posted.

Three Months

Good Morning!

Three months ago today, we met and told our precious Caden goodbye. I was reflecting a couple days ago about how we knew about Caden's condition for three months before our delivery, and now, that same amount of time has elapsed since he was born. That is crazy to me. It has been six months since all of this began. Wow.

This month has held its own challenges and heartache. The beautiful garden in our backyard was finished. The dedication was held, despite tornado activity and torrential downpour. Our dear friend, Jan Witzke, walked in the first annual Liberty Women's Clinic "Strides for Life" walk in memory of Caden. She carried his picture with her while she walked. We all signed her t-shirt. Yesterday, I had the privilege of speaking with a group of senior nursing majors at William Jewell as part of the OB class' perinatal loss lecture. The Holy Spirit was right there with me. Wanda, a colleague of mine who has also experienced the loss of her son, sat beside me and encouraged me as we both shared together. The students were receptive, interested, and genuinely compassionate. It was exhausting and wonderful.

I am finding that it is easier to talk about Caden. I am also finding that, despite the fact that he is not here with us, my love for him is actually growing with each passing day. Isn't that amazing? I am beginning to let go of the hurt, anger, and uncertainty that came with not knowing how things would end, and now that those questions are answered, I am now able to instead focus, little by little, on what an amazing little boy he was. Doing so makes me love him more and more. Don't get me wrong, I miss him more and more, too...his place in my heart grows deeper and deeper with time.

I often wonder what he's doing up there. Is my Mom holding him? Is he playing with other children? How does he look? Is he watching over us? I know that he is happy and fulfilled. And for today, that is good enough for me.

We love you, precious boy!

"There's More of Us, Mommy!"

We took the kids out to do some shopping this weekend. One of the salespeople at a local store was talking with us and was asking Connor and Kylee what their names were, how old they are...you know the drill. She then asked "Do you have any other brothers and sisters?" and then she looked to Brandon and I and inquired, "Do you have other children?" At first, I was a little put off...did she think we did have other children but just left them somewhere else ("Why, yes, but we left the others out in the car!")?

Connor and Kylee looked at me and waited for an answer. I think the saleslady sensed there was more to the story. I wasn't sure what to say. What I wanted to say was "Yes! We have more children. You see, on March 30th, we were told that...." but I didn't think it was the time or place to get into all of that. So I simply shook my head and said "No. Just the two of them."

Connor looked at me, and almost immediately said "Mommy! There's more of us! Not just two! We have Caden! Our little brother!"

I then revised my answer...."Yes, we have one more son, but he's not here with us. We have one in heaven and two here." The saleslady said something like "Oh, that's too bad."

I looked at Connor and said, "You're right, Buddy. There are more of you."

And there always will be.

A Rough Patch

Hello.

I am writing tonight to ask for your prayers. It has been a rough week for me. I think the garden dedication, while providing a great deal of closure for me, also dug up a fair amount of grief and sadness...in that fresh sort of way that it hit me right after Caden was born.

I struggle because, while I do believe with all of my heart and soul that God is with me, I feel as if He is just standing there, watching me. Not intervening. Not even comforting, necessarily. I have a strong sense that He is right beside me...however, I wish He would reach out, hold me, and show me some true joy.

Selfishly, I cannot help but reflect on the incredible and painful sacrifice He asked us to make. We were denied any time with our son after making a decision (to continue the pregnancy despite a terminal diagnosis) that we believed to be within God's will for us. It is a tough pill to swallow. I want a reward. And I, in a very human form and fashion, desire it NOW. After all, God has MY baby up there with Him.

We have been told by many who have also lost children that incredible things will happen in our lives as a result of this experience. Many of them also report having visions of their children in heaven or seeing signs here on Earth that lead them to believe that their child is happy and well. Today, I hunger for this sort of affirmation. Just like any parent, I wonder what my son is doing up there. I want to know that God sees the sacrifice we've made and that He's going to make it right for us.

I am so grateful to know that my son is sitting at the Father's feet. But, has God forgotten about those of us who are grieving here on earth? Caden's mother and father? His brother and sister?

The evil one would have me believe that I am forgotten. However, I know that I am not, but I seek His comfort and reassurance desperately. I want him to show me the rainbow behind the clouds. In a tangible, undeniable way.

I see the parallels to my own parenting. I can just hear God saying to me what I might say to Connor or Kylee..."When you choose a better attitude, I will help you." Folks...right now, I don't know if I have a better attitude in me. My tank is pretty empty.

After six months of extreme unrest, my soul longs for peace and joy that only He can bring. And I am going to have to find that in spite of enduring my worst nightmare...telling one of my children "goodbye" forever.

I know it will come. I pray it happens sooner rather than later. I believe He can bring it to me.

The Dedication

We learned the true meaning of the word "dedication" on Friday night.

As many of you know, the Kansas City area was hit with severe weather on Friday evening, with tornadoes being sighted around the metro area. When the tornadoes finally blew threw, a torrential downpour started. So, those who ventured out to North Star Church on Friday evening were truly dedicated!!! We debated about cancelling everything, but then decided to make a go of it despite the bad weather (growing up in central Kansas has led us to perhaps not be as afraid of Mother Nature as we should be sometimes). The tornado sirens shut off as we were walking out our front door.

We were amazed at the turnout despite the bad weather. Several were unable to join us because of the storms, but we know those that weren't able to be there in person were with us in spirit.

The Dedication was PERFECT. We did move it to our church because of the inclement weather, so we created a PowerPoint that we showed so people could see the progression of our garden. The names you see on the last couple slides are names of all the families who donated to our garden, either financially or with their time. Wow.

I am so thankful that we proceeded with the dedication despite the bad weather. Brandon and I both really needed the closure it provided. Our pastor spoke, Chris and Tiffany, our worship leaders, sang two beautiful songs, and Brandon spoke for a few moments about what the garden has meant to us. It was short, simple, intimate...just what we'd wanted.

Thank you to all of those that made the special effort to come out and join us. It meant the world to us to have you there. For those of you who were unable to attend, here is a piece of the dedication just for you. You can check it out here.

Hopefully that link will work, but let us know if you have any problems with it!

Planting Day!!

Planting Day in Caden's Garden was a HUGE success. Several of our friends came out and put planted some beautiful flowers and gorgeous bushes in our yard today. Our garden comes complete with solar lighting, too (thanks, Berrys!). We are so pleased with how it came out.

Here are some pictures:

Caden's "Treasure of Heaven" windchime (thanks, Laurie!):

A plaque engraved in Caden's honor (thanks, Debbie!) that sits underneath the Magnolia tree from Caden's grandparents:

Kirsten brought Kylee a special bug to put in the garden:

We are looking forward to dedicating the garden next Friday evening. THANK YOU again to all of you who have made this outdoor sanctuary possible!!

Two Months

Good Evening!

We are sitting here, listening to the Republican National Convention. I don't dabble in politics often (Brandon does that enough for both of us), but it is interesting to hear the perspectives of those that are speaking. I am excited about a woman running on the McCain ticket. I look forward to hearing her speak tonight.

This week has been a good one. Brandon and I took a trip to Chicago over Labor Day weekend. The time without the kids was so nice. It was great for us to be able to rest, relax, shop, and eat on our own schedule. We took in some of the sights of the city, slept in, and ate ourselves into oblivion. The kids spent time with Grandpa and Grandma McKinney in Baldwin, and, despite spending three days there, Kylee still cried when it was time for her to come home with us. They had a blast over the weekend, too.

Friday was a difficult day as we learned that baby Gabriella Duffet, at 55 days old, passed away. We have come to know Gabriella's family through Alexandra's House. Gabriella was born on July 5th and had Trisomy 18. As I mentioned in a previous post, she defied the odds by being here on earth with us for as long as she was. As her Daddy said on their family blog...Gabriella sprouted her wings and went to heaven....on August 29th. It brought back many painful memories of losing Caden, and, again, the question "Why must anyone endure this kind of pain?" We may never know. Of course, our love, thoughts, and prayers continue to be with the Duffett family. Please include them in your prayers as well.

Saturday was the two month anniversary of Caden's birth. I felt funny and then realized what day it was. I often find that my heart tells me when an anniversary date is approaching even if I don't consciously realize what the date is. I was grateful that we were doing something fun together. It made the day more bearable.

I am finding more peace as the days go by. There isn't a day that I don't miss our baby, but time is healing our wounds. Life is moving forward. Brandon and I talk about Caden often. The kids are doing well...Kylee hasn't had any more meltdowns, although she still looks at the baby stuff in Target with sad eyes. Above, you see her wearing her napkin on her head at dinner. Look out, Little Red Riding Hood!

We are picking up the pieces and finding our new normal. I have found that I speak of Caden in normal conversation as one of our children, which, of course, he is. Sometimes it catches people off guard, but it feels good to say his name. Some inquire about him when I mention his name, and it gets easier to share his story each time we do it. As we share our story, we have found that many people open up and share their own story of loss. It is humbling and soothing all at once. Many have looked at Caden's picture in our entryway and commented on how beautiful he was. We agree. :)

On Saturday, our friends will be here planting flowers and shrubs in Caden's garden. We are excited to see it all come together. We will dedicate the garden in just two weeks...another step in the healing process for us. We will post pictures when it is finished.

We are so grateful to have a garden full of living, beautiful things to help us memorialize our baby boy. Thank you so much to all of you who have helped bring the garden into being.

We continue to appreciate your love, thoughts, and prayers. Keep them coming!

Here It Is!

I had mentioned posting this for all of you to see about a week ago, and am just now getting around to it.

If you choose to watch this DVD clip, you will get a glimpse of some of our family's most intimate moments. If you've been reading this blog over the last several months, you have already shared some of our family's most intimate times, and I feel it is appropriate to invite you into our sanctuary through this 12 minutes, too. I do not take sharing this lightly. These images were captured about a half hour after Caden was delivered. It was 5:00 in the morning, after a very long day and night of labor.

Please know that posting this is an act of trust and love on our part. We thank you for being interested and for desiring to know our little boy in whatever capacity you can. What makes me most emotional when I watch this is not just seeing our precious son, but also seeing how much love he was surrounded with in his brief time on earth. As you watch his grandparents, aunt, uncle, siblings, and friends gaze at him, I hope you can sense what we have been blessed with as we have grieved our loss.

I hope you will enjoy the music on this clip, too. These are songs created by artists especially for the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep song bank. They are amazing. The last one, in particular, does a particularly excellent job of putting into words so much of what I have felt in the last 6 months.

It seems strange, and a bit inappropriate, to ask you to enjoy this. Instead, I think I will humbly ask you to approach viewing this reverently....in whatever form that takes for you....saying a prayer, shedding a tear, being thankful for a loved one, holding your baby a little tighter (be they 2 years old or 52) or marveling at the beauty of a newborn....our prayers are with each of you as yours have been with us.

Our Kylee J

Hello!

We have been enjoying the cooler weather here in KC. We ventured out to Adventure Oasis on Monday (courtesy of my wonderful colleagues at William Jewell) and enjoyed the (very cool) water. Connor especially loved the lazy river, which he went on at least 5 times. Kylee was a little hesitant about the waterpark, so she and I enjoyed sunbathing together on the lounge chairs.

Kylee has dealt with the loss of her little brother in her own unique way. When we watch Caden's DVD, she often starts crying. We shared the DVD a couple times this weekend, and it was rough for her. We believe that part of this is she doesn't like to see her Mommy being upset...and the tears still roll when I watch the DVD. So, I have tried to keep it together when she's around because it breaks my heart to see her hurting.

Our printed pictures arrived yesterday, one of which was an 8X10 of the 5 of us together (it is the same one I posted previously for you all to see). I put the picture in the "family photo spot of honor" in our entry way. Kylee looked at it and screamed "I don't like that picture! I don't want to see myself be a big sister! I HATE being a big sister!" I was caught off guard by her reaction and pulled her up on my lap. She started crying. I tried to get her to verbalize her feelings, which, of course, is difficult in this situation. "Does it bother you to look at pictures of Caden?" I asked. She nodded. "Is it because it reminds you of a sad day?" She nodded again.

God was with me in this moment, because I was able to speak to her without crying myself. I gently explained that it's important for us to remember Caden, and having pictures up will help us do that. I also acknowledged that it is hard for all of us to look at pictures of him, but reminded her that she has a special angel up in heaven watching over her. I also told her that when she felt sad, she could pray about it. That seemed to calm her down a bit. I asked if we could leave the family picture up for awhile and she could see how things go. She decided that would be okay. She then helped me pick some other spots around the house where we could put pictures of her little brother up.

Bless her heart.

Please pray for little Miss Kylee...that God would protect her heart and bolster her spirit. She was so excited to be a big sister and I think the blow of not getting to bring her baby brother home has hit her a bit harder than we imagined it would. While it is painful to see this, I also feel so blessed to have a daughter that feels things so deeply. Even though she is unable to verbalize her feelings completely, her love for Caden is so evident.

Caden is truly loved and missed...by all of us.

Another Week...

Good Morning.

Another week draws to a close. This one has been fairly uneventful around our house, which is okay. We have enjoyed playing with friends and are trying to soak up what is left of summer. Connor will start school on August 19th, and Kylee on August 20th. I am back at work at Jewell on August 25th. Yikes!

Last night, we attended our first meeting of the infant loss support group that meets at Antioch Bible Baptist church in Gladstone. We were referred there by Tracy, a former student of mine who has also had a very personal experience with infant loss. The group is led by a woman who lost her son over 15 years ago.

Despite all my experience with loss over the last 9 years, I have never attended a grief/loss support group, so this was a first for me. I have to admit that as we drove to the church last night, I was quite nervous. Brandon had agreed to come with me at least once (often times, Moms attend these groups for a much longer period of time than Dads do due to the differences in grief patterns between men and women). So, we pulled into the parking lot, not sure of what to expect.

There were several other new folks attending the group last night, so that was a blessing for us in terms of feeling more comfortable. We all took turns sharing our stories. For some, the grief was very fresh....losing a baby just 3 weeks ago. For others, they were attending the group after realizing they hadn't dealt with a loss that occured 17 years ago. It was the first time I had shared our journey with Caden to complete strangers. There was a collective gasp in the room when I got to the part about continuing the pregnancy despite being advised to terminate. In a strange way, it was reassuring to hear people recognize what a difficult decision that was. It was painful and healing to share our experience.

Brandon said that he'd go with me at least once more, which I take to be a good sign. I think we were both a little fearful that we'd end up chanting the serenity prayer or singing kum-by-ya together holding hands in a circle. We were grateful that this wasn't at all the case.

We left the group meeting and then stood in the parking lot and talked with other folks who had attended for another 30 minutes. It is amazing to me how going through infant loss instantly bonds you. Instantly. There is nothing like a hug from another mother who has told her baby goodbye.

It will be six weeks Monday since Caden was born. I can't believe it has been that long since I held my youngest son. I laid in bed last night, remembering all the nights I laid awake because Caden had the hiccups or was doing gymnastics inside my belly. Although I (obviously) carried him with me 24 hours a day, nighttime was our bonding time together. I miss him and that time we had together.

One foot in front of the other...

A Preview for You...

Our prayers were answered on Friday, when we were able to pick up our Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep pictures and DVD. It was worth the wait. We are planning to post our DVD here for all of you to see, but we want to share it with our families first. Watch for it early next week and break out the Kleenexes! The images of our time with Caden are priceless to us. While it is VERY painful to look at them right now, it also brings us great peace to know that we have this account of his time with us forever. Looking at these pictures is a sharp reminder of what we've lost, so there have been lots of tears over the last few days. But ultimately, we are amazed at how beautiful Caden was, and how much love we, and our families, were able to lavish upon him.

It's Friday!!

Good Morning!

It's hard to believe that another week is drawing to a close. It has been a good week....probably the best we've had so far. I think maybe it's because I have such a beautiful garden to look at outside my kitchen window! :)

Things have been busy around here...in a good way. We spent an evening with Sarah, Cara, and Collin earlier in the week, and then Dana and Aleksander drove down from Springfield to spend some time with us, so we had fun cruising around town with them.

We are preparing for a weekend trip today. Brandon's cousin will be getting married tomorrow night in our hometown, Lindsborg, so we decided to make a weekend of it by driving to Great Bend to see my Grandpa, too. We will go visit him in tomorrow morning after spending tonight in Great Bend, and will then head on to Lindsborg from there. The wedding on Saturday will be the first time we've seen most of Brandon's extended family since Caden was born. This wedding will be in the same church that Brandon and I got married in, so that always brings back warm memories for us.

We have been a bit frustrated because we still have not received our pictures from the NILMDTS photographer. We are supposed to get them at some point this weekend, but after being strung along for so long, we won't believe it until we have them in our hands. We have both gotten nervous, wondering if maybe our pictures have gotten lost....so we are anxious to see them soon. We went and spent sometime with another Alexandra's House family last night and got to see their DVD, and it was amazing...making us want to see ours all the more. We will certainly keep you all posted...

We are finding healing in each and every day, which is such a relief. I still have my muffin top :) and we still shed tears, but the searing, raw sort of pain is diminishing. We know this is, in no small part, because so many continue to lift us up in prayer.

Thank you.

Sweating for a Good Cause

Hello!

As I have mentioned in my previous post, some friends of ours approached us about creating a memorial garden for Caden. They have worked tirelessly to arrange everything, and the grand groundbreaking took place yesterday. We woke up to our dear ones out in the back yard, digging away. It was incredible and I wanted to share these pictures with you so that everyone can enjoy the fruits of their labor.

For those of you that don't know, our backyard is roughly the size of a football field. It is 1/2 acre in size. Seriously HUGE. Many people have peeked out at it from our kitchen and just stared at the sheer vastness of it. So, putting in a garden to fit the yard is NO small task. Our friends designed the perfect space with which to memorialize our precious boy. Overheard from one participant: "I thought we were just putting in a flowerbed!" This is a garden of amazing proportions. A true outdoor sanctuary. And it is absolutely incredible.

They started by digging trenches for the retaining walls:

If you were able-bodied, you were invited to join in the fun...Connor worked tirelessly ALL DAY. Really. It was incredible. Here he is with his friend Braden. 15 children of our friends that came to help were over at another friend's house, where two very brave women took care of them for the day so we could get this work done. Bless them.

The next step was tilling up the sod and then putting the edging around the garden:

One retaining wall done:

Two retaining walls done:

We have always had a deep appreciation for our friends, but let me tell you, we have a whole new level of appreciation for everyone that came out yesterday and sweated along with us (Brandon and I joined in the fun around noon). Folks worked tirelessly despite the 95 degree heat. And, they acted as if they were genuinely happy to be there. We also have a new appreciation for landscapers and, just level ground in general. We moved A LOT of dirt to get things to this point. Butch was our faithful tiller operator (props to Ron for being a worthy second string tiller operator) and he did an AMAZING job getting the ground prepared.

Here is where we left off. After about 50 bags of mulch, it looked amazing. The remainder of the planting will be done in September when the plants will fare a little better. Notice that the little bushes are in the shape of a "C".

Thank you to those of you who came to help, and thank you to those of you who supported us in spirit. We are so very, very grateful. I picture us sitting out in Caden's garden on a quiet evening, enjoying our beautiful surroundings and knowing that our baby boy is watching over us while we're doing it. I can't wait.

Blessings Abound

Hello...

This week has continued to be very rough for me on an emotional level. I don't know if anyone out there can relate, but I can generally go a few days feeling down in the dumps, and eventually, the MASSIVE MELTDOWN occurs. After several times of me answering "I'm fine" when Brandon asks what's wrong, he asks one more time (because he is an exceptionally patient and loving husband), and the dam breaks.

I admire his bravery in continuing to ask, because quiet frankly, dealing with the dam break is no fun for anyone...and if I were him, I might wish to avoid that. But he persists, knowing that eventually, the emotions will come rushing out, along with a great deal of whining, tears, and verbal diarrhea. Thanks, honey.

This week has actually been a good one for my wonderful husband. He got to go see the new Batman movie with our neighbor (rave reviews, by the way) AND, he is getting a new cell phone (this rivals our wedding day and the births of our children in terms of joy for those of you who don't know of my husbands love for gadgetry, particularly a good cell phone). I love it that my husband finds so much excitment in these things. He deserves it. Truly. But, as a result of this, I started feeling sorry for myself because I am currently craving some "happy things" in my world. So, the downward spiral began.

The dam broke and the meltdown occurred last night. Part of my meltdown resulted in somewhat of a realization (it is always nice when I can pull something constructive out of the verbal diarrhea)....that I am feeling very RESENTFUL right now.

Now, I am resentful about the obvious...continuing a difficult pregnancy and then not getting to hold my baby while he was alive. But I am also resentful about less obvious things...allow me to process with you all...

1.) My children are going to school in about three weeks. I had anticipated this being a wonderful time for me to bond with our new baby...and now, there's no new baby, and not only that, but I am sending my other two babies away (granted, the youngest will only be gone for 3 hours twice a week, but still!). I was not ready for an empty house, but now God going to make me figure out what to do with it. I feel like I have been asked to "figure out" enough. Ugh.

In talking with many people that have dealt with infant loss, we have noticed two means of coping....the first of which is getting a new family pet, and the second of which is a trip to DisneyWorld. This greatly amused us, because prior to hearing this, we had discussed the exact same methods of coping....

2.) We had contemplated getting a new dog....more or less so I will have something to nurture while my kids are away at school (plus, what is there in this world that sweet puppy kisses won't make feel better?). Now, I think that deep in my heart, I know a new dog probably isn't the right solution for us (we have been down to one dog for about 4 months now and it has been really nice, plus the potty training, the expense, the messes, yadda, yadda, yadda)....but, there is a part of me that defies logic and longs for SOMETHING little, furry, cute, and cuddly in the house. And, I know the kids would love it. We went to Petsmart last weekend and Kylee asked if she could have a chinchilla for her birthday. I think a dog would be a great alternative. Anyway, we can't get a dog right now because we will be travelling a lot throughout the next month or so. So, that idea is out for now. Ugh.

3.) We are not going to go to Disney. We have worked very hard over the last year to pay off our "bad" debt. We have been able to make decent progress, and so putting a trip to Disney on the credit card wouldn't be the most financially sound decision we could make. It sucks to have to be responsible at a time like this, but I know that, in the end, we wouldn't feel good about spending that much money on a vacation right now. But still, I resent that. Ugh.

4.) I can't fit into any of my clothes. I feel squishy, and once again, have been left wondering if my abdomen will ever resemble anything other than a muffin top. When a girl is down in the dumps, she does NOT need to stand in her closet contemplating which pair of elastic-waistband pants she is going to wear. This is much easier to deal with when you have a beautiful newborn in the house...and I don't. So I just get resentful. I know if I watch what I eat, I can lose the weight (although I am afraid that the muffin top is here to stay). However, I don't WANT to deny myself ice cream and french fries right now. But again, if I want to lose the weight, I must be disciplined. One might say, "but Lindsey, it has only been four weeks". But trust me, four weeks of alternating between the two pairs of pants that fit is enough for me. Plus, in a way, it is nice to have at least one aspect of this situation that I can do something to remedy. I just wish it involved consuming more grease and chocolate. Ugh.

I feel like, if God is going to put me in this situation, he needs to help me get through it. And sometimes it is hard to see how He is doing that. But then I look around me and realize how MANY wonderful people are praying for us right now. I see my husband sitting beside me in the dark, just listening. I watch my children play in the swimming pool, splashing without a care in the world. I get an e-mail from someone who is contributing to Caden's garden. I speak with another mother who lost her baby just a week ago and realize that, in fact, although it's all hard, each day does get easier. I am already being given the opportunity to comfort another, and God will use this situation for good....somehow. Through all of these people and things, He is helping me.

After my meltdown last night, I came downstairs this morning, puffy-eyed and praying for the strength to make it through one more day. I found a plate of eggs that Brandon had fixed for me, still warm on the counter. I noticed our kitchen smelled good, and I saw two beautiful lilies that my husband had bought for me last night sitting on our kitchen table in a vase. I am currently watching our two children hard at work coloring on our family room floor....

The blessings abound. I confess my resentfulness and am grateful that God has already forgiven me for it. I know that, despite the fact that I have told Him multiple times this week that He is a real jerk, He is still providing for us in ways we are not even aware of. And, I know that, as the tears roll down my face, our baby is Home.

I know that, while the most painful, this is the best blessing of all.

"God is able to provide you with every blessing in abundance, so that by always having enough of everything, you may share abundantly in every good work." 2 Corinthians 9:8

Hanging In There...

Hello...

It has been a good week so far. Mondays have been difficult for me since Caden's birth...since he was born early on a Monday morning, I tend to relieve the moment we realized he was not alive over and over again. But this Monday was different. Time moved relatively quickly and I found I wasn't totally sad. It was a welcome relief.

Then came Tuesday...and I kind of hit the wall. I was having what my husband refers to as an "off day". The tears stung the back of my eyes several times as the day progressed. My heart ached. I REALLY missed our baby. I know there are many that I could call in these sad moments, but sometimes, the words just escape me. And although I know that we are blessed with many friends that would just listen to me cry, there are moments that I need to grieve our baby on my own. But it is no fun.

Today has been better.

This emotional roller coaster is trying. Although I have dealt with grief before, grieving for your own child is an entirely different matter. We are also at that point now...nearing the one month mark....where many folks have gone on about their daily routine (as they should!), and we are left continuing to deal with the emptiness we have inside. It is the natural progression of things, and it is painful, but a necessary step in the process. Your continued comments on the blog warm our hearts...we are grateful that you all are still checking in. :)

One of the things we are able to think about now is a gift from our friends....several of whom have come together to organize a memorial garden for Caden. They will begin the work of preparing a space for the garden in our backyard on Saturday. We have been completely overwhelmed by their desire to help us memorialize our son in this way....and even more overwhelmed that they are willing to come on a HOT Saturday in July to work on it. :) Our friends have worked tirelessly....planning, visioning, shopping, purchasing, organizing....to make this space so special for us. I have no doubt that the finished product will be amazing. Stay tuned...

We still have not received our professional pictures of Caden. We are hopeful that we might have them in the next two weeks. Our photographer assures us that she is working on it.

I read a book last week..."I'll Hold You in Heaven". Jan brought it by for me and it was a spectacular read for someone in our situation. For anyone who has experienced abortion, miscarriage, or early infant loss, I'd highly recommend it. It was good to get back into something that is Scripturally based. I haven't been able to do any sort of Bible study in awhile, so it was a comfort to me to ease into the Word that way.

Speaking of spiritual matters, we went back to church for the first time on Sunday. We were welcomed with love...lots of hugs and "we're glad you're heres" were given to us. We held it together quite well (if I do say so myself) and it was good to be back at North Star. Going back to church was one of those hurdles that we needed to get over, and we did it. It felt a bit surreal to stand there singing a praise song, when inside, there is a part of me that is so sad. I know, however, that God knows exactly how I am feeling, and that brings me comfort. He knows I am trying. We talked about it afterwards, and going was more an act of obedience than anything else for us at this point, but if felt good. And it was such a blessing to be so well-received. We are grateful for our church family.

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Special Families

Good Afternoon!

I write this post with a heavy heart and am asking each of you who is still kind enough to check in on us to pray for some new friends of ours.

We came to know Greg and Shelly and Royce and Susan through Alexandra's House. It has been a rough summer for all of us. You know our story, and both of these families have their own stories as well, as they chose to carry their babies, both of whom had been diagnosed with Trisomy 18, to term.

Royce and Susan welcomed baby Gabriella into their lives on Saturday, July 5th. She has defied the medical community's odds in many ways....by making it to term, by surviving birth, and by now, surviving for two weeks. Royce and Susan were able to bring their precious pink bundle of joy home after just a couple days in the hospital. However, Gabriella is now having episodes where she stops breathing...resulting from her brain not telling her body to breathe....and these episodes are occurring more and more frequently. As you can imagine, this has been a very difficult time for Gabriella's family (she has a big brother and a big sister, too!), but they are such a testimony to God's strength as they share how much they are enjoying their short time with Gabriella here on earth. As Royce has said, she is "sprouting her angel wings" as heaven prepares a place for her.

Greg and Shelly, who have three older children, gave birth to their fourth child, Noah James, on Friday the 18th. Unfortunately, they are familiar with our pain, as their son was not born alive. They are now back home together, healing, grieving, and feeling empty. Hearing of their feelings instantly takes us back to the sheer rawness of emotion that occurs in the hours and days after telling your baby good-bye. And it breaks our hearts.

We are amazed at how, even though we have not spent much time with these families, we have felt instantly bonded with them as a result of the shared experience of carrying terminally ill babies first in our wombs and subsequently, in our hearts. We ask that you would say a prayer for these two families and thank you, in advance, for doing so.

Sparkles and Carl

We have been especially touched by a gesture that some friends of ours, Doug and Polly, made for Connor and Kylee. They wanted to offer each of the kids "something to hold", in Polly's words, that would remind them of their baby brother. We were very touched.

Our friends funded a trip to Build-A-Bear for our kids. Connor and Kylee each picked out a bear that would remind them of Caden. Connor picked "Carl" and Kylee picked "Sparkles". We have been encouraged to take pictures of things that we do to memorialize Caden, so we snapped some photos of this excursion.

This was such a great gift and we have been truly inspired by it. It was so fun to watch the kids enjoy picking something out and then dressing their bears with love...I have to admit that throughout this adventure, I had a lump in my throat....remembering our youngest and wishing that the kids could love on him directly instead of choosing something to hug in his absence.

The opportunity to do something specifically for Connor and Kylee was wonderful. In trying to meet the needs of ourselves and, of course, Caden, I have often found a huge need to make sure Connor and Kylee's emotional needs are met, too....but that can be difficult when my own emotional and physical energy is low. This was a wonderful way to do something just for THEM, as Caden's siblings. Just as it is important to remember big brother or sister when a new baby comes to the house, it is also important to remember siblings in a time of loss. We were grateful for the opportunity to do this with our children.

Thanks, Doug and Polly!

Welcome Home!

Good Morning!

We took off this weekend for a spur of the moment trip to St. Louis. My sister Sarah had some hotel points built up and she let us cash them in for a couple nights at a hotel (thanks, sis!), so The Carlson Crew was off and running (nothing gets us moving quite as quickly as something that is FREE!!!). We had a great time visiting the St. Louis Zoo and the City Museum. We got home late last night and will spend today in recovery mode...although Brandon had to go back to work like a real grown-up today, so Connor, Kylee, and I will enjoy recovery mode on his behalf. :)

It was really great to get away for a couple nights. I have to admit, however, that I was a little surprised by how much I missed Caden on our trip! Even though he never got to travel with us outside of my belly, we had gotten kind of used to having him along wherever we went. I missed that this time around. At the zoo, we (of course!), ran into two young mothers who were pushing newborn babies around. Seeing their babies' little feet peeking out of their strollers made my heart ache. Our experience makes me want to stop folks with newborn babies and just let them know how fortunate they are to have those tiny feet in their lives....

When we arrived home, we had some cards waiting for us. We read all of them and continue to be overwhelmed by all the folks who have extended their love and prayers to us. There was one card, though, that stood out to me last night...it says, quite simply..."Long before we're ready, we sadly say goodbye. But there are those, in a far more beautiful place, who are saying "Welcome Home." I thought this was exceptionally beautiful, and it caused me to stop and reflect on what our little Caden is up to right now and who might be saying "Welcome Home" to him....

Caden had two Grandmas waiting for him in heaven. My mother, Beth, and my grandmother, Elinor. I know they were standing there waiting for him when he arrived. Caden also has a Great Aunt, Mary...Brandon's mother's sister, who has received him with open arms. Caden has some smaller friends...other infants who were applauding his heavenly birth....Jael, Gianna, Jayke, Jeffrey, Danny....and he has friends who will be coming up to join him in God's time....Gabriella, Noah.....thinking of all these angels warms my heart. And let's not forget, Caden has a dog, Winnie, licking his face and probably stealing food right off of his heavenly plate. :)

We have received a great deal of comfort from families who have walked through this valley previously, and I am realizing that maybe another benefit of getting to know these amazing people is so that we can have a glimpse of who Caden is spending his time with in Christ's mansion. Doesn't every parent want to know a little about their children's friends? I am getting that privilege, even though my baby isn't here. And it is incredible. So many wonderful people, both big and small, saying "Welcome Home!" to our little man.

I am so grateful to know that Caden is surrounded by such love and hope. Selfishly, I pray that he will find some time to come and peek in on us every now and then...I am so grateful for our little angel...and all of his friends.

Some day, we will get to see our son again. I look forward to the day I get to hug him and hear him say "Welcome Home, Mom!".

Checking In...

We have been blessed with many visitors this week, and have also appreciated your phone calls, e-mails, and cards sent through the mail...all letting us know that you are thinking of us and continuing to pray. Thank you so much.

I have had really good moments, and really rough moments...which I know is to be expected. There are moments when I absolutely cannot stop the tears, and then moments when I get a glimpse of the peace that has eluded us since our diagnosis.

Brandon called our neonatologist, Dr. Hall, earlier this week. He was very reassuring to us. He said that he, too, was surprised that Caden wasn't born alive, and he intended to do some research on our situation to see if he could glean some answers about what might have happened. At this point, his best guess was that perhaps Caden got caught up in his cord. He did warn us that there might not be much data out there for him given that most people in our situation choose to end the pregnancy shortly after diagnosis. We shall see. We are fully prepared to not ever have an answer, but Dr. Hall's affirmation that the decisions we made were sound and provided our baby with the best chance possible is valuable to us.

Speaking of Brandon, he has had a good week at work, so thank you all for your prayers. He has felt blessed by everyone's response to him being back in the office. While his motivation level is still a bit low (understandably so), people have been very understanding and accepting, and he has found it helpful to have other things to focus on.

It has been hard for me to ride herd on the kids by myself. I am finding that my hormones are still fluctuating quite a bit, and my energy levels are fairly low by the end of the day (which is probably nothing new, but the exhaustion runs a bit deeper after all this, I guess). I think that the last 3 months, in many ways, is beginning to catch up with me. The kids have been excellent. We try to get out for at least a couple hours each day, which helps all of us quite a bit. I am sleeping very well at night, which makes a huge difference in how I am able to cope with things throughout the day. Physically, I am doing much better, so thank you all for your prayers for that, too.

A couple nights ago, I got the brilliant idea that we should watch our video of Caden's birth. My sister had taped it for us at our request, and I wanted to see what had been captured. Bad idea. We sat and watched it together, and it was as horrific as I remember it being. I have since reflected on that morning and realize that I felt completely forsaken at the moment we realized Caden's spirit had left his body. While I had hoped that the moment that Caden was born would be a peaceful one, instead, I felt that God had abandoned us as I looked at my lifeless son laying on my chest. I struggle with this because I do believe that God does not ever forsake us, but I question His purpose in that moment in particular. What would it have mattered to Him to give us just a few minutes with our son alive? Was He saving Caden from pain? What was the plan? We will never know. It is a tough one to reconcile.

I am hungry for God's presence...and yet, I feel a sense of resentment towards Him as I reflect on Caden's birth. I long to feel God's arms around me. I want to crawl up on His lap and sob. I want to feel joy in the truest sense again....I want to make it through a day without crying, but I also want the memory of my son to stay as fresh as it is today....

I have contacted an infant loss support group leader and we plan to attend a meeting next month. I am hopeful that will be a good resource for us as we continue to work through our grief. We have found great comfort in talking with other parents who have experienced loss, so hopefully attending the support group will be an extension of that.

Speaking of memories of our son, some of you have asked about our Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (NILMDTS) pictures...we did have them taken, and we are hopeful that we will get them in the next week or two. We will certainly share them as we are able. We are both really looking forward to seeing them, and yet, dreading it all at the same time. I break out sobbing just looking at the NILMDTS website...I can only imagine how I will feel when that precious baby in the picture is ours.

We thank you so much for continuing to support us through prayer and in so many other ways. We are so grateful.